Abide Vicereine

“Odd Jobs has ridden on... the little girl from in back of the clothesline cast a shadow like a crow. It’s beak spoke open. ‘Why doesn’t old Odd Jobs come around anymore?’ He used to ride his form-a-heap bike, and his basket was a whole candy store. He used t’make Xs from door to door. All the women and the young girls around here ask why old Jobs don’t come anymore, why old Jobs don’t come on home. And the gate without its paint on danced and creaked and moaned. Here he comes peddlin’ up on his form-a-heap bike, a bag of skin and bones. Spokes were scraping two rust fenders. Oh.”
Captain Beefheart (Don Van Vliet) & His Magic Band, Odd Jobs [1976], Grow Fins - Rarities 1965 - 1982, Revenant, 1999

Had an elderly pal Joe, since passed, who was keen on political debates for what they really mean, legislative tactics that affect lives unseen. Having stormed Iwo Jima for liberty and life, Joe would be offended at strife with which America has become rife. A dyed-in-the-wool Democrat due to their one time staunch support of labor, would be hard to imagine degree of his rage vis-à-vis GOP’s gun proliferation, oil profits, power lust, self service, and standing shoulder to shoulder with a sociopathic loser. After introducing so many tax cuts for wealthiest few, none in Congress cast a single vote for latest relief law, even one without a minimum wage hike. They’ve made it clear who they like: Billionaires, businessmen, and corporations they fear, never those in need and suffering from want. Repeats historic mistake, “Let them eat cake!”

Ideologues mustn't assume a party stays the same; members and platforms change, and policies get strange. Both major parties say whatever might sway votes their way, and sell influence to the highest bidder, so tacitly pass along trickle up swindles to enrich every supporter. Token pittances aren’t going to make eligible individuals solvent, but will pay any advancement and wend through economy, unlike bank bailouts and tax cuts that wind up in some offshore balance statement. Lots of bills make billionaires, who seldom seem to pay own loans, rather lash costs on backs of worker drones.

Ghost bike for a 6-year-old mowed down during a family outing on a bike path by a motorist.

Examples set indirectly cause fatal consequences. GOP’s disrespect for laws and stance on guns goad domestic terrorists. Self proclaimed patriots and white supremacist separatists indiscriminately kill those to whom they have access simply because they are heavily armed and mentally defective. How many bystanders and children have died in US gun massacres? According to official figures cited by Congressman Desaulnier, more than soldiers in Vietnam War, over sixty thousand in last 5 years alone! They'll massacre innocents, then crucify dissidents.

Recently, six women were murdered in what appears to be a hate crime against Asians, in part from frustration over coronavirus. News media exaggerates an incident as trending, but this regrettable splinter only reinforces a global constant of targeting unarmed, vulnerable and weak, sometimes by those in positions of authority. So many Americans own ammo and guns, no army would stand a chance of ground conquest. Only biological and nuclear weapons would work, which creates a dilemma over what would be left to seize. America’s strength had been its diverse people and their work ethic. Power is only worth possessing as long as you don’t use it indiscriminately.

Furthermore, news denounces sudden mistreatment of women. Would be laughable if not so shortsightedly pathetic. For millennia, patriarchs backed by popes put women down, reckoned them third class chattel, sometimes sold them as slaves. Consequently, femininity focused on charms to manipulate machismo morons. Longing to attract right mate, Americans, more women than men, now spend $50 billion each year on cosmetics and $2 trillion on fashion apparel. Toss in crowding, ego, hormones, peer pressures, and stereotypical behaviors, what should you expect? Mixed messages sent, so begins series of events that result in Thelma and Louise tragedies everyone resents.

One cannot be the voice of abandoned, disappointed, disenfranchised, disillusioned, or dismissed and not anger those so delusional to believe themselves in control. Human reality has both concrete external and emotional internal elements. A great deal of life’s experience depends upon how they interact. Both demand expert handling, but rank amateurs stand in, so make for a comic or melodramatic mess. Only those with intact shreds of self esteem can expect success. Every woman wants to be treated at least like a vicereine, if not queen. Lust is the vice through which she's supposed to reign and you abide. After years of neglect of her lowly subject, who’s left to deliver respect?

Biggest myth of all is that you receive commensurate with what you contribute. Doesn’t take into account grifters, malingerers, taxmen and thieves, who laugh up their sleeves at what your hard work achieves. Doesn’t matter, because you’re stuck with whatever defective programming you were born, dealt or nurtured into. Behooves a person to test self and skills against many challenges to find a role in which one can prevail, and foresee a fall back once equipment begins to fail. Even so simple a formula can never be assured in an unreliable world with rugs pulled out from beneath your feet, savings reduced by inflation, and threats strewn upon your sweet cheat.

Pandemic and recession proof industries meet basic needs. Certain manufacture, farms, mines, pharma, ranches, state services, and supermarkets haven’t laid anyone off. Home deliveries have expanded due to personal distancing. But minimum pay hasn’t risen in decades and wealth disparity is worse than ever. You’re neither entitled nor owed anything for sure. If wages matched growth in productivity, minimum would be $24/hour, though $15/hour would preserve jobs and raise 32 million families from poverty. If neocons won’t permit, unions might see to it.

Enormity and extent of problems crush individuals; only through consensus and teamwork does anything important get accomplished. Yet you’re surrounded by gross incompetence and oppositional defiance that says, “Makes no sense, so let’s do it.” Nation will never truly appreciate how close it came to totalitarian rule. Whatever you think works won’t once universe ceases bestowing and commences reclaiming. Gravity’s a bitch, but there it is, always dragging or slowing you down.

Captains like to impart groans of hate and indignant insights, since they're so easy to relate. Art forms that resonate draw audiences, but efforts to produce soon become drudgeries that no longer elate. Bicycling humbles one, instills doubts, reveals fatal flaws that cannot be resolved, such as inevitable mortality, needs to pursue what’s unpopular and unprofitable among dopes, and support systems built on slippery slopes. Closest you’ll ever be to literally free is out bicycling apart on lonely back roads or where sky meets the sea.

Warren Buffet’s life hacks say be positive, don’t overthink, do play and sleep more, and exercise outside today. Bicycling will forever fill that bill unless you're suicidal. TOMORROWS might be the heaviest 3 syllable word in English language, heavier, say, than manifestos (often go unread), braggadocio (rolls off tongue), or simply future (some unspecified date). Tomorrows has bulky, wavy, wide letters that occupy space, and oppresses procrastinators with its imminence and inevitability. Waking up to a new tomorrow with hope treats every cell in body to universe's pure energy. 

Both book and reader were sprinkled throughout with easter eggs that revealed facts too personal outside context. Writers write to be read, a one-way dialogue. Offered an option to comment, which is why so many debatable perspectives were presented. One can only assume too few readers or too much truth limited. Either way, B&C in totality was never worth the effort, so intend to end. Thus concludes suffering while resurrection awaits.

Ides Marchpane?

(Kim) Chung Ha, Bicycle [Korean], Querencia, Genie Music, 2021 

Messages might not be timely, and time plays tricks on memory. Labann scratches his head on why Richard Ballantine (1940-2013), American scion of Bantam Books publishing family, author of Richard’s Bicycle Book (aka “the bike-shed bible” from a half century ago, 1972) followed by 7 other cycling-centric titles (millions sold), and founder of Bicycle Magazine, has been forgotten. From early recognition of 1970’s bike boom, exposés of automotive greed, practical advice on buying and owning not just bikes but in general human powered vehicles, and protests against Vietnam War, wouldn’t be surprised his works were actively suppressed. Could explain why he mostly resided in London, where he kick started mountain biking by importing England’s first 20 units of Ritchey Montares. Ironically, when you google his name, you find dead twenty-year-old Marine PFC Richard Ballantine on Vietnam Veterans Wall of Faces, but not so much about this eccentric but influential cycling advocate, who gradually grew to understand how bicyclists are reluctant warriors against a vicious paradigm fueled by blood and petroleum.

For the first Earth Day, April 22, 1970, ecology aware San Jose State College students bought a brand new Ford Maverick, disrespected it in a mock parade, then buried it on campus. After Ralph Nader, people began to see cars as counterproductive to human survival. Still under attack 5 decades later, environment received a chance for justice after post-election policy reversals. Had to expect that fighting for planet’s sake would be controversial. They say the first casualty of war is truth, though soldiers whose lives are on the line don’t buy it.

While Biden promises a new round of bicycling infrastructure projects, he also intends to create a million new stateside automaker jobs. Reliance on obsolete, unsustainable mono-industry makes little sense in long run, whereas grants and rewards for positive innovations and practical inventions do. Yet elite pols heavily invested in EPVs, solar and wind rile neocon wonks. Cars and computers are no longer such necessities; climate, energy, food, housing, potable water, and vaccines remain biggest challenges to survival, especially if your policies do nothing to mitigate motor vehicles, which remain world’s biggest threat to all when you take wars for oil and wastes collectively into account.

Texas shut down in February with widespread suffering after decades of oil production caused climate change that affected jet stream and drew a polar vortex to freeze them, while regulators neglected to foresee and plan a suitable contingency. Texas is the only US state that privatized its electric grid, shuffling contract to insiders, all of whom have been fired or chosen to resign. So typical: Suck millions in obligatory taxes, then stick payers with consequences, so you can abscond to relax in tropical luxury. Global warming poses yet another threat, howling, punishing winds; never before saw so many rogue gales that menace bicyclists more than most. Regular people are forced to hunker down and read by candlelight, or computer screens, if lucky enough to still have service. In aftermath of catastrophe and contagion, some bake sourdough bread, sculpt marchpane whimsies for guests who weren’t invited, or solve crossword puzzles while sensing a García’s Márquez’s moment of love, plague, solitude, and yearning.

Busy online in advance of Earth Day 2021, collected 5 dozen previously unlisted bicycling songs from all over the globe, posted below (in order by year of release), many thanks to Alex Chang, who has been continually updating a Youtube channel that has reached 200+ videos from widespread sources and years, including Finland and Russia. Also updated definitive spreadsheet linked on Wikipedia, which, while impossible to ever be comprehensive, does contain more vetted non-covers than any other list on planet, about 2,150.

Cal Stewart, Uncle Josh on a bicycle [spoken word], single, Berliner, 1899

Cal Stewart, Uncle Josh Weathersby on a bicycle [spoken word], single, Victor, 1901
Comedy from over a century ago viciously attacked cycling for its impracticality. For decades dozens of different but similar versions were recorded. Joke’s on Josh, because bicycling got better and safer, and four times as many go by bike as by car.

Orquesta Tropical, Mi Amor En Bicicleta [one-step dance instrumental,”My Love on a bicycle”], single, Victor, 1924

Earl Rouse & Brothers, Pedal Your Blues Away [c&w, 1936], John’s Old Time Radio Show, East River Records, 2015
Apparently R Crumb with Cheap Suit Serenader’s weren’t song’s originators, as this recent rerelease points out.

Six Hits and a Miss with Gordon Jenkins Orchestra, Two on a Bike, single, b-side of Bye Bye Blackbird, Capitol Records, 1943
Composed by Gene de Paul with lyrics by Don Raye, was included in soundtrack of Hi’Ya Chum (Harold Young, dir., 1943).

Silvana Pampanini, Ma dove vai bellezza in bicicletta [Italian], Beauties on a Bicycle [soundtrack], EDIC, 1951
From 70 years ago, this farce about chorus girls on a mixed modal road trip stars Pampanini, who sings title song, “But where are you going, beauty, by bicycle? Do not be in a hurry, stay a little on my heart. Leave the bike, give me your kisses...”

Freddie Sandy, The Bicycle Song, single, [unknown label and date]
Cover of Max Miller’s Let’s Have a Ride on Your Bicycle (1953) rife with sexual harassment and innuendo, probably comes from early 1960’s. “I said, my dear, if there’s nobody near, I’d like a ride on your bike... After the ride I began to perspire. It wasn’t the ride; I’d been pumping her tyre.”

Brita & Eikka, Polkupyörä [Finnish, juvenile, “Bicycle”], Brita ja Eikka laulavat lapsille, Scandia, 1960
Sung to Freddy Quinn tune Oh, My Darling Clementine, “We borrowed a bicycle... I pedal, you control, as a dance journey goes, to Grandma when we cycle the skyscraper is not visible... After a bike ride to grandma, I put the bike behind the barn next to the wall to sleep...”

The Rolling Stones, Something Happened to Me Yesterday, Between the Buttons, Decca, 1967
At end of trippy album closing tune, Mick Jagger says, ”So if you're out tonight, don't forget, if you're on your bike, wear white. Evening, all.” Album was one of their top sellers.

Jean Saint-Paul, Vas-Y Eddy [Belgian, “C’mon Eddy (Merckx)”], single 7", Phillips Records, 1967
Notable for being the first recorded song about Merckx, it’s partisan praise for nation’s biggest bicycling champion and most famous citizen.

Singing Guitars, aka Поющие гитары, Песенка велосипедистов [Russian rock, “Cyclist’s Song”], single/video, Мелодия [“Melody” label], 1969
“It was difficult for a man ten thousand years ago. He walked to the pharmacy, to work, to the zoo. He didn't know the bike, blindly believed in miracles. Because I have not tasted all the virtues of the wheel... Sit down and just press the pedal. And now in this world everyone is romping somewhere. Adults and children are riding to work, to the zoo. They go to the bathhouse and the pharmacy. They’re going to my mother-in-law for lunch.”

Wachauer Buam, Ja mir san mit'm Radl da [Austrian beer hall polka], “Yeah, we are here by bike”], single, Philips, 1971
“... two cavaliers, they’re going to the country party. You expect a Porsche, chrome-painted and super fine. But suddenly the boys hear it screaming from afar: ‘Yes, I'm there with my bike; yes, I'm there with my bike!’”

Peter Hinnen, Mir sind mit em Velo [Swiss-German, “I’m on my bike”], single, self 1973

Christoph Busse, Fahrradsong, Sesam, Öffne Dich! (Mit Liedern Aus Der Sesamstraße)[‘Open Sesame! (With Songs from Sesame Street)”], Fontana, 1976
Ripoff of Neil Young’s tune After the Gold Rush (1970) with own lyrics, supposedly aimed at juvenile listeners.

Marcos Valle, Bicicleta [Brazilian funk], single, Som Livre, 1984

Sahnie (Hans Runge), Fahrrad fahr’n [German], Erste Sahne, EMI, 1989 “I have an old bike, just like I need it. It's beautiful and environmentally friendly too! I'm riding a bike, my old rattling bike. I'll get new rims made of light metal and chrome.” An aside, Runge is also a bespoke state-of-the-arts super-fast car brand, whereas Rudge was a British bikemaker, like Humber, swallowed by Raleigh.

Jason Wang, Bike, Wang Shixian Sings Old Chinese Songs 4, Sinuo Beite/Sony, 1990

Rick Reed & The Ethereal Bastards, Dr. Hoffman's Million Year Bike Ride [eam], single/video, self, 1990 

Bottlecap, The Bicycle Song, single, Tummy Button Cassingles, 1994

cLOUDDEAD, Bike 2, cLOUDDEAD, Mush/Bigda, 2001

cLOUDDEAD, Physics of a Bicycle, The Peel Session, self, 2001

cLOUDDEAD, Physics of a Unicycle, Ten, self, 2003
Used to think these four, including Bike 1 previously listed, were all the same under a different name. Once posted to Youtube, got to actually hear, and they are not, though that hardly matters given unintelligible content.

Eason Chan, 單車 [Chinese, “Bicycle’], Shall We Dance? Shall We Talk?, Emperor Entertainment Group/EEG Music, 2001

Juice Leskinen, Einarin polkupyörä [Finnish, “Einar’s Bicycle”], Juice Leskinen & Coitus Int, Love Records, 2003 rerelease bonus track
Lyrics describe finding a rusty bike under a barn, and riding it to a bar for beer and fallen angels.

Egotrippi, Polkupyörälaulu [Finnish, “Bicycle Song”], Matkustaja [“Passenger”], Zen Garden, 2003
“On your bike from the top of the hill, if you pedal really hard and don’t use the brakes, you can get into town in half an hour... Temptations in every direction. The wheels spin at a steady pace. I guess the bills go unpaid. How can it be possible... that all his money can be wasted... down to the last penny together in a record store. You can waste all your money down to the last penny with a good conscience.”

Bergelheim, Ich fahr Fahrrad [German indie, “I Ride a Bicycle”], Neuer Deutscher Pop - Aufnahmezustand 5 [compilation], XYX Music, 2006
“Only ride a bicycle and do what makes you happy.”

Holy Crow, The Bicycle Song, single/video, self, 2008

The Wonder Years, An Elegy For Baby Blue [indie punk], Won't Be Pathetic Forever EP, Hopeless Records, 2008
Anguish about bike being stolen: “It's like the world stopped revolving in the absence of you...Nothing about you but your wheel's been anything but true. Come on, man. You've been a good friend. I had that dream where we found you again... We didn't stand a chance. It broke my heart to watch them ride you down Mifflin. Sometimes, at night, I swear I hear you screaming, ‘No! No! Don't let me go...’ Dylan was right because it's all over now, Baby Blue... We're never (never) getting caught again. So, if you see them, tell them, 'Man, I just want my bike back.'"

Rock & Rollinger, Fahrrad [German, explicit], Rollst Du noch oder Rockst Du schon? ["Are you still rolling or are you already rocking?"], SM Noise Rec., 2009

Egotronic, Fahrradlied [German punk, “Bike Song”], Was Soll’s, self, 2010

Honey Trappists, Bicycle Ride Through the Nation’s Capitol (Lokin Out), Rough Jazz: Volume One, self, 2010

Vocokesh, Dr. Hofmann's Bicycle Ride [instrumental psychedelia], Dr. Hofmann's Bicycle Ride, Phonosphera Records, 2010

The Aquabats, Poppin' A Wheelie!, Hi-Five Soup!, Fearless, 2011
“I love love love love love love poppin' a wheelie! On my bike! When you see me outside with my wind-swept hair riding by with my wheel in the air, You’ll never see me happier... That’s when I pull those handlebars and get 'em in the air... And I'm the king of the world as I'm balancing.”

Dynamo Team, feat. Lulu, Roll the Dynamo [Slovak disco in English], Slavia, Lark Records, 2011
“After all day at school I am down. I need to get out, so I leave the town. I take my bike and roll the dynamo. I worked all day, now I should stop. It’s time to relax, at least I hope.”

Nico Touches the Walls, バイシクル [Japanese, “Bicycle”], Humania, Ki/oon Records/Sony, 2011

Ryan Hardy, Bicycle, Heavy Mandolin, self, 2011

Charity Kahn & the JAMband, Bike [juvenile], Family Values, self, 2012

Choi Jung In & Kang Gary aka 정인&개리, (자전거 [Korean, “Bicycle’], single, Sony-ATV, 2014
“We bike in the breeze. I keep smiling... Don’t stop, keep riding toward the sunset.”

Craig Richey, Girl on a Bicycle [instrumental], Girl on a Bicycle [soundtrack], Lakeshore Records, 2014

Charlie Burg, feat. Daniel James, Phillip's Bicycle, One, Violet, self, 2015
“On my bicycle I go too fast. The little shops that I ride past, he people's faces, they make me laugh. I approach the curve and stop to see a hill of true adversity. I think to myself, can anybody see me? I can't believe I'm better than I ever was... I am taken to a forest path where I trample autumn leaves and grass... my shoes are worn, my helmet's loose. I packed a sandwich and some juice. The wind and I have made a little truce”.

Bike, Enigma Do Dente Falso [Brazilian psychedelia, “False Teeth Puzzle”], 1943, 30th Cent. Rec., 2015
No discernible bike lyrics on this trippy album devoted to Dr. Albert Hoffman’s invention of LSD.

Schlappn, Altes Fahrrad [German, “Old Bike”], Back from Klappse, self, 2015

Dota Kehr, Rennrad, Keine Gefahr ["No Danger"], Believe Music, 2016

Vavan aka Владимир Селиванов (Vladimir Selivanov), Велосипед aka Velosiped [Russian, “Bicycle’], Zhenshchiny. Svoboda, Sony Music Entertainment (SME), 2016
“We'll leave here on a bicycle. We'll go wherever we want from here. Palm trees, the sea and the people.We will be welcomed and they'll notice that we're awesome.”

Celo & Abdi, Shimano XTR [German, explicit gangsta hip-hop], Diaspora, Azziackz, 2017
“G's on the street packaging tool, digital scales, cash, and my bike, get on the pedals, Bianchi Methanol [brand model]. Down the mountain, pack and seal, roll on carbon. Keep your balance with your phone to your ear. My driving style, sometimes fast, sometimes nice and slow.”

Chris Komus, Bicycle Rides with Dr Hoffman [eam], Sickly Fingers, Shanti Planti, 2017

Jason Bartsch, Son of Anarchy, 4478 Bochum, recordjet, 2017
I'll get my bike out of the garage, steering wheel up, nice retro look. My bikes are from Schwalbe. I'm a gangster in my hood... Whenever I cruise I am super ecological. I don't need an exhaust. I have legs and I am fashionable in time... I'm doing the tour through the village of Jan-Ullrich-Style... Cars stink. I'm more of the bicycle type.”

Stereophonics, fea. Kelly Jones, Boy On A Bike, Scream Above the Sounds, Parlophone Records Limited, 2017 “What am I running from? I used to be so fearless... I’d fly around the world. Suppose I’ve seen a lot of things, and maybe they left their mark. I know when you can't see what you're afraid of It's like being afraid of the dark... I used to feel so free when I was that boy on a bike riding down that silent snowy street in the valley that made me feel alive... But what's around the corner for me now? I gotta ride the whole street and take a turn.”

Auro, Schöne Mänsch Ufem Velo [German], single, self, 2018
Beautiful cyclists protesting too much war over last decade endure rubber pellets and water canons.

Rie Takahashi, Jitensha [Japanese], Hoshino Kizuna, Pony Canyon, 2018
“Go to see the sea by bicycle, aiming at the sun in the dawn sky. Chatting on undecorated days continues. Ride a bicycle and aim at the sun.”

Chevy & Park Bird, If I Could Ride a Bike, If I Could Ride a Bike, Sneaker Kids, 2019
“If I could ride a bike, I’d zoom around the world with you sitting there behind me. I’ll take you to places past several faces just livin' life so carefree... Oh, when you call me I'm drifting on clouds, like I'm dreaming. But in the morning, I’ll wake up and see that you're stuck here with me.”

D.A.B. feat. Spikey Spike, Op De Fiets [Dutch hip-hop], Het Begin Van Iets Groters [“The Beginning Of Something Bigger”], Walboomers Music, 2019

Jitterin’ Jinn, Jitensha [j-pop, “Bicycle”], single/video, Nippon-Columbia, 2019

Dominic Miller, Bicycle [jazz instrumental], Absinthe, ECM Records GmBH/Deutsche Grammaphon, 2019

Richard Eaton, The Bicycle Song [jazz instrumental], Songs of the Parkade, 1048381 Records DK, 2019

Team Dresch, Take on Me, Captain My Captain, self, 2019
“Wish I was riding bikes with you; I've sat down in the middle of this mess I've made of letters and clothes. Wish i was anywhere with you.”

Underwood, Vélocipède [eam], Vélocipède EP, Tanzgemeinschaft, 2019

Kinjal Dave, Cycle [Gujarati/Mumbai], Cycle, Zee Music, 2020

Myung-Jun Kim, Bicycle, Night walking alone, Five Senses Entertainment, 2020

Nick Goodman, I Want to Be Your Bicycle Seat, Heaven Sent Or..., self, 2020
“Honey, this Christmas I don’t want to fill with food... this year your love is all I need and to be the seat on your ten speed... I promise to be discrete.”

Spike Ectodomain

“More laundry, muddy pants: study weathercasts, maps, thumb catalogs, take naps. Window another chance.” - Labann, Winter Cadence, 2008

Sounds simple: Acquire and apply skills, collect pay, save for retirement, settle bills, and stay within means. When your life is made too complicated, depressing or difficult to bear, you look for someone to blame, though many assume it’s their own fault after years of brainwashing, browbeating and brutal upbringing. Doesn’t mean that corporate protocols, criminal schemes, and government policies don’t prevent you from thriving. Laws don’t care and life isn’t fair. The bimbo in a Mercedes who parks in a restricted zone won’t get ticketed, but you would. Conspiracy theorists spend excess energy concocting senseless arguments denying contagion threat and justifying own stupidity, never forget.

Coronavirus gets its name from its crownlike protein spikes, an ectodomain finger that helps them impale and infect host cells. Cretins ignore need to vaccinate themselves, infect others, yet somehow deflect high death rate. They’re so full of poison even a deadly disease wants out and won’t linger. Scrotus and entire staff allegedly had it, though none seemed unduly impacted, though they misrepresented threat to bolster hardline Republicans, particularly Rubio, who heads Small Business subcommittee. More Americans died from COVID, half a million, than US soldiers in all 20th Century wars. COVID singlehandedly reduced average life expectancy by a full year, the deepest plunge in a century, not to mention causing its worst economic recession. Poverty kills more people than infection, and reduces survivors to slaves.

Siddhartha Mukherjee’s New Yorker article wonders why pandemic death rates were counterintuitively and disproportionately higher among wealthy Caucasian elderly and lower among poor Asian youth. “It was an epidemiological whodunnit... After the age of thirty, your chance of dying if you get covid-19 doubles roughly every eight years.” No studies to date factored in race, but suspect it was a bio-engineered racial weapon. Even those not so convinced have begun to boycott Chinese products based on Beijing’s lying about COVID’s high communicability thereby delaying what would have saved millions of lives. No one knows how long vaccines boost immunity or whether those vaccinated can still infect others. Yet China’s Xi Jinping remains The Chump’s “very, very good friend,” whose totalitarian crackdown in Hong Kong forced self censorship and squashed democratic protests.

Whose friends were Fala, Feller, Edgar, Charlie & Gaulie, Heidi, Edgar & Freckles, Checkers, Liberty, Rex, Millie, Socks, Spot, Bo, and Champ? They were presidential pets of FDR, Truman, JFK, Johnson, Bush I, Clinton, Bush II, Obama and Biden, respectively. Teddie Roosevelt, Cal Coolige, and JFK had entire menageries. Not surprisingly, noticeably missing from this list is Dolt 45, who said outright he had no love or time for animal companions, although he surrounded himself with ass kissers, bootlickers, bottom feeders, opportunists, sycophants, thieves, and yes men, who served his will alone and suffered consequences. He cowered Birx and Fauci into violating Hippocratic Oath to save face, while 10% of Americans contracted and 1% died. Now he’s collecting donations for his own PAC instead of relying on RNC for another run, provided DOJ investigations don't result in indictments and convictions.

Cold and COVID set cycling priorities. Biggest difference between indoor spinning and outdoor riding is commitment. Once you venture forth, you must defy odds and endure whatever yet somehow return. On an indoor sprinter or stationary rig, you meet no one, never shiver to stay warm or steer clear of potential carriers, see same old floors and walls, and step off as soon as you sweat. While better than nothing and more efficient, there’s no glory, regret, risks, scars, tears, or toxic clouds of wind whipped road salt, at least in most northern states. Filthy piles of snow glower where sun doesn’t shine.

Rather ride paved roads than sloppy single tracks: Not so likely to run into fauna and flora, plus, should one drop dead being overtaken by an impatient motorist, someone might find intact corpse sooner. Hold little interest in gravel and mountain bikes, though wildly popular among fitness freaks afraid of motorists. Justify so many pedaled miles by supplanting driven miles for free vitamin D, gym visits, health appointments, low impact exercise, shopping trips, and work commutes that meant necessary motility.

A bright light might blur blemishes or expose blight. Shouldn’t you shine yours and stand in the sun? You buy little with silence, but risk shame and worse for speaking up. Duty of any citizen is to participate in democracy, but political opinionated people are subject to cancel culture, a new term for ostracism. Prepare to be dismissed as bitter, ignorant and vile by those in denial. Labann does read news but isn’t on Clubhouse, Facebook, 4chan, forums, Gab, Instagram, LinkedIn, Listserv, Parler, Patriots.win, Reddit, Telegram or Twitter yakking with dolts and trolls by the busloads. Blind mute service stands you in good stead until world implodes. Participation in life can be active or passive, which translates into having some small say or reacting to policies against you decided by blowhards, loudmouths, and tightwads. Live by a stone cudgel, sword, gun, pen, computer, smartphone on worldwide web, each mightier by degrees, but, according to debatable old saying, you’ll die by which one you seize.

Life is not defined by scientific hypotheticals that contrast Erwin Schrödinger’s feline fodder against Max Planck’s predatory Manx: All in on sin, or believe in afterlife inevitability, higher purpose, ineffable karma, influential spirituality, probable retribution, or simply you’ll do better when everyone does well. Apathetic or oblivious enablement equal tacit approval. Office of POTUS is a wet dream for an opportunistic con man: Power to promise anything, renege anytime, screw over whomever, take without consequences or limits because world’s biggest army and treasury backs you. Someone, usually those seeking knowledge and truth, have to pay the price.

What young adults don’t need is another bad example to emulate. What they do need more than anything are bicycles, since they get zero exercise with their noses stuck in smartphones all day until onset of diabetes, heart disease and obesity. Internet is loaded with serious content if you’re willing to “sign up’ to some service for loss of anonymity or some small fee. With Alexa or Siri you don’t even have to surf browsers to find bad advice or biased suggestions. Life isn’t buried behind digital barriers but right outside your door, which you should be cautioned to keep closed with home invasions, misery-loves-company contagion spreaders, and utility scams on rise due to pandemic and recession.

Instead of diligently pedaling, doing interesting research. Movies or tunes can be just as infectious as viruses; though fewer die as a result, ear-worms or plots might exasperate enough to distract from meaningful tasks or safe practices. As promised, got back to Grace Papy’s Vélo Bicyclette Remix, reviewed more movies she cited along with others newly discovered for a dozen new, ruled out several as insufficient reference or previous mention, and wrapped up. French film titles seldom match original English titles already covered, which creates confusion. Always try to provide instances where bicycling figures into plot lines, not just naturally appears, or lists would be even longer.

Maria (Marlene Dietrich) meets Count Dino (Vittorio De Sica) while gambling in The Monte Carlo Story (Samuel A. Taylor, dir., 1957). Thus begins an affair, both penniless imposters believing other might ensure her/his future, but it’s short lived. Once Maria learns Dino is chronically broke and compulsively gambles like her, she instead hooks up with a wealthy American and plans to marry him. But Maria can’t shake her fondness for Dino. A vintage poster portrays them in Monaco bicycling together as if sophisticated fun. Period photos also show Dietrich pushing pedals, possibly contributing to America’s bike boom between 1965 and 1975.

Anime miniseries Golden Boy: Sasurai no o-benkyô yarô, aka The Wandering Student (Hiroyuki Kitakubo, dir., 1995-96) stars voice of Doug Smith as Kintaro Oe, a 25-year-old law student who dropped out of Tokyo University, because he had already mastered entire curriculum, to pursue a simpler life of traveling on his bicycle between diverse part-time jobs. Humor comes from his lust for babes who he thinks want his attention.

Mom drags Lola (Lindsay Lohan) away from her beloved Manhattan to suburban New Jersey, where she’s adapting to stifling provinciality, biking to high school, and exploring gated communities in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, aka Le Journal Intime d’une Futur Star (Sara Sugarman, dir., 2004). She runs afoul of popular bully Carla (Megan Fox) but shows her up in final reel.

Anthropology student Annie Braddock (Scarlet Johansson, Avenger Black Widow) takes a summer domestic role in The Nanny Diaries, aka Le Journal d’une Baby Sitter (Shari Springer Berman and Robert Pulcini, dirs., 2008) to study the strange marital customs of Manhattan’s Upper East Side. Rent’s free, but she’d rather have a corporate internship. She does learn a lot about how husbands and wives shirk commitments. When family vacations on Nantucket, she gets desperate to reconnect with handsome Harvard neighbor back in city, so bikes to a pay phone, which precipitates her being fired.

L.O.L (Lisa Azuelos, dir., 2009) has hormonal school teens emoting uncontrollably. Lots of honesty about post pubescent behaviors, Lola (Christa Theret) dumps Arthur (Felix Moati) to date folk singer Maël (Jérémy Kapone) and follow him down a dark tunnel on her bike.

In 2008, family of Sami Ben Boudaoud (Samy Seghir) settled into ritzy Paris locale Neuilly-sur-Seine. For 10 years he rides his tandem bike alone and with friends and studies political science aspiring to conservative office, until his idol loses presidential election, parents forfeit fortune, and they have to leave their beloved neighborhood. Neuilly Sa Mere, aka Neuilly Yo Mama (Gabriel Julien-Laferrière, dir., 2009) sees Sami’s embarrassing downfall and moving in with country cousin Charles de Chazelle (Jérémy Denisty).

Best friends Grace (Selena Gomez) and Emma (Katie Cassidy) quit their waitress jobs in rural Texas for an adventure in Paris, accompanied by Grace's stepsister. While there, Grace is mistaken for a philanthropist socialite, which leads trio to Monte Carlo, aka Bienvenue a Monte Carlo (Thomas Bezucha, dir., 2011). Farces, fights and flirts later, heart throb Theo (Pierre Boulanger) sees Grace riding a bike and whistles to stop her so they can reunite.

Noémie Lvovsky directs and stars in charming French magic realist flick Camille Rewinds (2012) as a middle aged wife whose husband (Samir Guesmi) leaves her. This triggers her alcoholic binge that leaves her in an ethylic coma. When she awakes in a hospital bed, she’s back in 1980’s, and society sees her as a 15 year old girl pedaling jejunely to school on a pink Peugeot, though she still appears 40 to herself and moviegoers and remembers everything that occurred. Determined to relive her life without repeating choices she regrets, she tries to avoid future husband altogether and to protect mom (Judith Chemla) from a fatal stroke, but fails on both accounts. After a bike crash and a t-bone collision, she’s back to present with a renewed attitude.

Montreal short The Man Who Lived on His Bike (Guillaume Blanchet, dir., 2012), best film in its category at a slew of film festivals, shows what one can do while living for an entire year on a bicycle... everything, including eating, phoning, Rubik's cubing, shaving, showering, sleeping, and suggesting even dating.

This is 40, aka 40 ans mode d’emploi (Judd Apatow, dir., 2012), shows how unhappily married couple Debbie (Leslie Mann) and Pete (Paul Rudd) confront midlife. After overhearing that Debbie’s pregnancy is being kept from him, Pete goes for an angry fast 40th birthday spin on his Trek roadie, where he encounters just about every obnoxious Los Angeles motorist behavior and gets doored by a thoughtless SUV driver, while wearing his Giro helmet, fortunately. Driver punches him in the stomach when Debbie catches up to find him. Nominated for a dozen industry awards, it won two.

In chick flick Endless Love, aka Un Amour Sans Fin (Shana Feste, dir., 2014) sheltered debutante Jade (Gabriella Wilde) falls hard for troubled car valet David (Alex Pettyfer) enflamed by parental disapproval. He knows how to drive but rides her seductively on his handlebars.

On their farm in Aries, everyone in La Famille Bélier (Éric Lartigau, dir., 2014) is deaf except 16-year-old Paula (Anne Peichert, aka popular singer Louane Emera). Paula, who acts as interpreter for her parents, bikes everywhere, and is vitally important to farmstead operations, though they can’t appreciate her vocal talents. Movie earned 7-fold and won César Awards for Best Actor, Actress and Film despite some criticism by deaf activists, who complained affliction was insensitively played for laughs.