Civil "Emanci-pain”

Never forget that roads are public space for all to share for which those who buy merchandise, earn paychecks, or own property fund by paying taxes. It's not motorists paying fuel excise fees who foot the bill, far from it. Asphalt paving comes as a byproduct from fractioning crude oil, so gasoline does now play an integral part. Yet ancient Romans slaves paved tens of thousands of miles with cut stones, segments still around after millennia. Asphalt is an ephemeral, ersatz and expensive substitute. Bicycling brought a byway boom, construction practicality which enabled motoring, but motorists betray benefactors by pushing bicyclists aside. No need to kiss butt; a modicum of civility would befit mutual benefit after or astride.

Roads resemble magic carpets that take you where you need to go and transport sustenance you can't forego. They link farms to towns, harms to clowns, qualms to frowns, whatever rolls down the pike that you do or don't like. Pandemics and polemics race along jet paths, sea channels, and transportation corridors. What makes them so deadly efficient is that segments are contiguous. Streets connect in such a way you can drive from here to there, portal to portal, and return from destinations to origins with no drama at all. Not so bike paths, which can end abruptly and just disappear annoyingly. Bikes are freedom machines except for pains to which you’re subjected. It all should flow together, each path exit onto a wide road shoulder, not steal so much time your liberty is imprisoned by detours for a year.

Republican regime currently in charge doesn’t care, prefers polling places where fewest constituents appear and voters from whom they never hear. Culpable for atrocity and hypocrisy, they generate fear and mistrust so they can take clear advantage of the fair and just with their shameless crust. None has any worthwhile goal in mind, simply derides opposition’s as recklessly blind, and nominated an impeached crime boss to run again and subjugate mankind. Gone are leaders who quoted facts and reacted in kind. Now you only feel cheated by rhetoric’s emptiness. The closer you study, the clearer you see who’s your adversary. News opinion conflates reported facts, fosters self fulfilling forecasts, goads criminal acts, pits parties at odds in order to profit and suit specific agendas. At what point does so-called news cross line into felonious sanction and sedition? When innocents perish, social inequality worsens, and vulnerable lament, time to oust those who were supposed to prevent. People should also flow together, in productive cooperation, not suffer intolerant division. Though the opposite describes what goes on today, evil should be punished and good rewarded, as movies usually portray, though most aren't more than feckless illusions anyway.

Drifter Jack McCloud (the late Patrick Swayze) travels with a dog, who’s really a genie who grants Three Wishes (Martha Coolidge, dir., 1995) to the Holman family: War widow Jeanne (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) and her two sons, Tom (Joseph Mazzello) and Gunny (Seth Mumy). Jack, who may have been a major league ball player or medal of honor winner, becomes a father figure and sports coach for Tom after mom takes Jack in to heal from a broken leg for which she feels responsible. Set in 1955, kids all travel by bike between grade school and little league practice. Tom diligently oils his chain, but fails to chase down Jack, who leaves once cast comes off to resume his mission of finding folks who deserve granted wishes.

Biopic of 1960’s radicals Abbie and Anita Hoffman (Vincent D’Onofrio and Janeane Garofalo) Steal This Movie (Robert Greenwald, dir., 2000), a film half of critics hated, faithfully describes why Woodstock Nation evaporated. According to country’s founding father Thomas Jefferson, revolutions should reoccur every decade or so; otherwise, complacency ushers in tyranny. Critics serve establishment, so they better not legitimize counterculture. CIA, FBI, local police, and other agencies illegally and repeatedly targeted the Hoffmans to oppress them politically and suppress their ideas. Conservatives have zero tolerance for honesty or infamy. They forced Abbie into a 6 year, 63 town underground odyssey of bicycling from cheap tenements to temporary jobs to dodge bogus charges and cruel entrapments. You don’t need to prove your identity if you bike instead of drive. Codefendant Jerry Rubin is quoted from a speech, “We’re irrational and crazy because America destroyed our dreams.” Faced with precipitous arrest for his willingness to attest, Hoffman endured bouts of mental distress, but emerged a discredited but unrepentant activist, more altruistic in nation’s best interest than deserved by ambivalent liberals and apathetic rest. Nevertheless, Nixon Nazis never really left The White House, because too many citizens are still disposed to acquiesce.

Kind hearted but lonely young bicyclist Richard (Richard Vallejos) embarks on an uplighting 10-speed vacation from downtown San Francisco to forests and seaside. He takes along his dwarf hamster Etienne! (Jeff Mizushima, dir., 2008), who vet diagnosed to die shortly, so his only friend can live out his tiny life under towering redwoods. Along the way Richard collects souvenirs and encounters several nomads who enrich his experience. You are limited only by your endurance, imagination, and willingness to bear burdens for love.

Victorian psychologist Dr. Robert Dalrymple (Jonathan Pryce) suspects when women don’t reach orgasm it causes Hysteria (Tanya Wexler, dir., 2011). His manual treatments have frustrated ladies lining up. He engages hunky young Dr. Mortimer Granville (Hugh Darcy) to assist, whereupon he augments patient list and meets Dalrymple’s two daughters, Charlotte and Emily. Bicycling feminist Charlotte runs a settlement house for London’s poor. When a hand cramp gets Mortimer fired, he co-develops world’s first electrical vibrator, makes a fortune, and marries Charlotte after saving her from a court ordered hysterectomy. Just because she punched a policeman doesn’t mean she’s disturbed. Pedaling goddesses don’t need a vibrator, do they?

Not to be confused, Hysterical (Chris Bearde, dir., 1983), deemed one of the worst films ever, does have its moments. Throughout Crazy Ralph (Robert Donner) rides his bicycle into dangers he shouldn’t while telling everyone, “You’re doomed!” It’s he who narrowly escapes such harrowing predicaments as being nearly mowed down by a tractor trailer.

The Giant Mechanical Man (Lee Kirk, dir., 2012), played in shiny loose suit, silver face paint, and strap on stilts by Chris Messina, owns a bicycle but never appears to ride it, akin to Jerry Seinfeld’s Klein MTB (or was it a silver Cannondale?) hanging in his apartment. Insecurities plague men and women alike. It’s a wonder anyone ever leaves home, never mind rides amidst merciless traffic vulnerable on a bicycle. Blame insurance company, who sells motorists permission to operate irresponsibly, though vehicular negligence still carries a prison sentence.

Boyhood (Richard Linklater, dir., 2014) made cinematic history by filming the same cast over a period of 12 years. Mason (Ellar Coltrane) grows up, learns to ride a bike, and reaches marrying, motoring and voting ages. Participants collected over a dozen top awards: Academy, BAFTA, Golden Globe, and New York Film Critics.

Griffin Cleveland and his foursome of zeroes ride their bikes around Santa Clarita in Southern California, back and forth from middle school, and straight into adventure. In their meanderings they come across a suitcase of incredible Time Toys (Mark Rosman, dir., 2016) from the future. With them they foil Zircon CEO Greg Germann, whose conservative bent and theft of futuristic weapons threatens all life on earth decades hence. High tech shoes enable one boy to pedal up to 80 mph to outrun corporate henchmen chasing by car. Feckless new CEO Ed Begley, Jr. pulls up in a limo to ask children to bail him out and follow on their bikes. Plot devices appear to be purloined from recently reviewed P.U.N.K.S. (1999).

Dear Zindagi (Gauri Shinde dir., 2016) translates to Dear Life. This Hindi drama has novice cinematographer Keira (Alia Bhatt) returning home to live with her overbearing parents and seeking counseling for her insomnia from offbeat Goa psychologist Dr. Jehangir Khan (Shah Rukh Khan), whose treatment methods include riding bicycles. She promptly crashes, but he refuses to help her up, since session time concluded and she needs to learn self reliance.

Hundreds of features, film shorts, and television episodes bear a title of bicycle, though not all have something to do with a two wheeled lifestyle. Outstanding among them, short drama La Biciclette (Sara Glaoua, dir., 2017) stars young Tony (George Missalilidis) who, alone among his cycling posse rides a razor scooter, has a crush on adult Alice (Leschelle Hewett), who’s already in a meaningful relationship. Despite fact that he vandalizes her bike out of spite, they invite him to an age appropriate party.

One Percent More Humid (Liz Garcia, dir., 2017) has Iris (Juno Temple) hooking up with childhood friend Charlotte (Julia Garner), both on summer break from college, after traffic death of their threesome’s third member. Iris grieves, rides around her New England hometown, and skinny dips in nearby swimming hole. Any wetter, everyone will drown.

Paris, post Charlie Hebdo massacre, another jihadist attack kills sister of odd job guy Vincent Lacoste, who barely gets by but nevertheless must take custody of her young daughter, his niece Amanda (Mikhaël Hers, dir., 2017). They deal with their grief and get around The City of Lights by riding their bikes. Survivors move on, but must differentiate between inalienable free speech and intolerable hate crimes.

Low budget Irish comedy The Young Offenders (Peter Foote, dir., 2017) has Cork teens Connor (Alex Murphy) and Jock (Chris Walley) stealing bicycles to ride on a quest to find a bale of cocaine worth €7 million lost after trafficker’s boat capsized. Unknown to them, bike on which Jock, a bike theft suspect, is riding has had a tracking device planted by Sergeant Healey, an obsessed local sheriff out to trap him in a sting. Soon old rivals and provoked smugglers join chase along the Wild Atlantic Way. Film, based on actual events, earned 20 times its investment and won several festival awards. As a feature filmed on location amidst emerald fields of Cork, joins The Runway (Ian Power, dir., 2011) recently reviewed.

Indian comedy Tripping on a Bicycle (Subbiah Nallamuthu, dir., 2018) has two Buddhist monks, Dorje (James Keenan) and Jamyang (Sikandar Bhana) aiding a neighbor by taking title trek. Haven’t viewed this hard-to-find film; no trailer was readily available, either.

Hedonistic poet Moondog (Matthew McConaughey) parties hearty in the Florida Keys while slowly composing a memoir, The Beach Bum (Harmony Korine, dir., 2019). He cheats on his wife Minnie (Isla Fisher), neglects daughter Heather (Stefania LaVie Owen), and sends wife into arms of his R&B singer friend Lingerie (Snoop Dogg). Acting inappropriately, bicycling in a bong mask and nought but a thong, drinking beer, and smoking ganja fill his parrothead, playboy lifestyle that fans so admire though fraught with continual tragedies. Exploit others, go with greed, and satisfy self in the moment seems its empty message. While Labann looks for instances of adults enjoying bikes, this isn’t an ideal example to show tykes.

Millie Bobby Brown plays bicycling sleuth Enola Holmes (Harry Bradbeer, dir., 2020), who enlists her older brother, famous consulting detective Sherlock, to help unravel a mystery in which her feminist mother (Helena Bonham-Carter) disappears. Patriarchs never want women to have any say. Oligarchs never want anyone to vote. Just about every evil that befalls society somehow descends from the top. While it’s myopic to rely on familiarity of World’s best known literary character, sounds like a fun story of female emancipation, which was so associated with 1890’s bicycling.

Feature film Viena and the Fantomes (Gerardo Naranjo, dir., 2020) has occasional bicyclist and punk roadie Viena (Dakota Fanning) on the tour bus traveling across 1980’s America. Self absorbed band members are broke, attract no audiences, perform at empty venues, and take advantage of entourage. Meanwhile, in another feature, bicycling teen Violet (kid sister Elle Fanning shown on her Schwinn) teams with on-probation classmate Theodore (Justice Smith) to report on All The Bright Places (Brett Haley, dir., 2020) around Indiana. Taboos are challenged as romance ensues. 

These known bicyclist, modern feminist sisters will appear together on screen for the first time in WWII drama The Nightingale (Mélanie Laurent, dir., 2021), another film in production slowed by COVID-19. Surprises that Dakota Fanning’s character Sara Howard isn’t seen pedaling in The Alienist miniseries, although she already raises male hackles for owning her own detective business. TV mystery series Home Before Dark, favorably compared to The Alienist, concerns bicycling sleuth and budding journalist Hilde Lisko (Brooklyn Prince) exposing a cold case involving her own father in the Pennsylvania lake town where he once lived. Filming of Season 2 is also in pandemic hiatus. Prospects for decent entertainment soon manifesting seem as grim as these storylines.

Nilou Hemat is tired of being stuck in a traffic jam every day on her way to grade school. Together with equally precocious Belgian friend Tuur De Baere, she invents a game, Cyclomax (Daniel Lambo, dir., 2020), that aims to change Brussels into a bicycling friendly city and get everyone on their bikes, which would relieve traffic gridlock.

German sports movie to be released next month, Madison: A Fast Friendship (Kim Strobl, dir., 2020) stars Felice Ahrens in title role of a teen racer trying to live up to champion dad’s legacy, but gets sidelined by a track crash. While on a healing vacation she meets Emilia Warenski, who introduces her to mountain bike racing despite mom’s reservations.

Out this Fall, social documentary Sex, Drugs & Bicycles (Jonathan Blank, dir., 2020) will try to correlate a high standard of living with Netherlands’s permissive, semi-socialist, supportive government. USA, which has been covertly ruled by anal retentive repressive conservatives for decades, rates much lower, 15th or so, than top 5 countries in order: Denmark, Switzerland, Finland, Australia and Netherlands. To be clear, with a population exceeded by only China and India, USA is distinctly regional; some locations have less crime and more amenities. And SOL describes an amalgam of all sorts of livability and longevity issues. You might feel safe, sated and serene where you reside, while a mile away whenever races collide unarmed people are being tragically shot by nervous patrolmen. Apathy explains why corruption flourishes and inequality exists.

“Musycle” Mountain

Labann maintains world’s most comprehensive list of bicycling related songs, including over 2000 to date. No other comes close, contains more than a few hundred, or covers entire world. Over 2 dozen more are listed below. Bears restating, can’t include every song that merely mentions bikes, of which planet has billions, because certain songs, rap genre in particular, toss in b-word to make a nonsensical rhyme, though many others do reveal bicycling in meaningful ways, as shown in examples below. Also don’t cite artists who cover an earlier recording except when lyrics add a unique reference or put a new spin on relevance. While focus is on newly emerging, sometimes old and overlooked tunes unexpectedly appear, usually because they were obscure, regional or unpopular. Didn't include Julie Andrews' Do Re Mi, though film Sound of Music (1965) is often cited for family cycling scene shown.

Pierre-André Gil, Eddy Prend Le Maillot Jaune [French], single, Monopole, 1969 -
About Eddy “The Cannibal” Merckx taking the Yellow Jersey during the Tour de France.

Frankie en de Trillers (Belgian on Monopole label) and Pierre-André Gil (French on EMI label) recorded same three additional songs about Merckx in their respective languages:
Eddy! Eddy!, single, 1970
Eddy Est Imbattable! [French], aka Eddy is niet to kloppen! [Belgian], single, 1971
Eddy en Claudine (in ’T Bed), single, 1971

Sobut, Bicycle [Japanese punk in English], Judgement Crew, Aaron Field, 1997 -
Song can be found at 10:40 in on album 25:07 long. “There was always a bicycle beside me. Everywhere I wanted to go, it took on me. In so much as I had a simple brain, I could always do as I wanted. Gave me the power, gave me the pleasure. Everything exited me in those days. What did bring a wind I wanted to feel? I thought a bicycle brought a wind. There was so good days. Everyday I'd ridden on a bicycle, everyday.”

Steve Seskin, Use Mine [folk], Something Real, self, 1997 -
“I was eight years old, we were poor as dirt. Mom was pregnant with my sister and dad was out of work. I wanted a bicycle to ride with my friends, a shiny Western Flyer in candy-apple red. I couldn't understand why that bike never came, but money can't buy what I got in its place. Dad tied wooden blocks to the pedals of his Schwinn, rolled out that clunker and said with a grin. Use mine, go ahead, take it; what else is it for? I wish I could do more, just go slow. You're gonna do fine, this is what life's all about. Use mine.”

Mac Benford & The Woodshed All-Stars, Freight Train Boogie (Delmore Brothers bluegrass cover), Willow, Rounder Rec., 1996 -
“Casey Jones he was a mighty man, but now he's resting in the promised land. He made the freight train boogie all the time as he rolled down the line... Casey Jones said before he died, ‘There are five more things i'd like to ride: a bicycle, tricycle, automobile, a four legged mule, and a ferris wheel.’” Adding new stanzas to bluegrass songs is common practice. Delmore Brothers’ original 1946 version didn’t mention bicycles, but tune is still a toe tapper. Tempted to add Bill Monroe & His Bluegrass Boys' 1954 Wheel Hoss, but can't be sure what this instrumental is about, likely more homage to steam trains. 

Art Garfunkel, Turn, Don’t Turn Away, Everything Waits to Be Noticed, Manhattan Records, 2002 -
Romantic bicycling vacation goes awry for actor and six time Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter: “Two tears, my own, fall on my collarbone, roaming in shade in the north of France, beneath where her shoulder meet and the rivers dance. Two weeks have flown, like water runs over stone. Bicycle wheels, bicycle wheels through the fields of grain to feel what I have to feel, learn how to speak your name... And it's turn by turn, the wheels on this gravel road tell me what I need to know.” Latest cycling fad is the gravel bike for those who commune with nature by riding hard pack country lanes and loose washboard trails.

The Hold Steady, You Gotta Dance, Almost Killed Me, Frenchkiss Records, 2004 -
“The gangster disciples knocked me off of my bicycle. It was midnight down by Selby & Griggs. I shouldn't have gone down there but it was too late to switch. You gotta dance with who you came with. You gotta go with what got you there.”

Cloud Cult, What It Feels Like To Be Alive, Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus, Earthology Records, 2005 -
“I heard grandpa on my transistor radio, though he turned in his bones twenty year ago. And he said, ‘Kid, there's something that I'd like to show you. Get your things, it's time for us to go.’ So i grab my backpack, and my flashlight, and a bag of caramel corn. I got my bicycle, and the radio, and I headed on the road. I said, ‘I'm ready for what I'm about to see, yepp.’ We headed north 'till the rain had turned to snow through rusty towns and dusty gravel road. He said, ‘Kid, you got a long way to go.’ So i went through canyons, caves, and catacombs, i sailed on bicycle boats. I slept in chapels, and brothels. I met the nicest folks... And I finally realized what he wanted to show me. Where I've been, and where I am, it's the show.” Full concert on youtube; song is at 1:05.

Kate Miller-Heidke, Caught In the Crowd [Australian], Curiouser, Sony BMG, 2008 -
“There was a guy at my school when I was in high school. We'd ride side by side in the morning on our bicycles. Never even spoken or faced each other, but on the last hill we'd race each other. When we reached the racks we'd each go our own way. I wasn't in his classes, I didn't know his name. When we finally got to speak he just stared at his feet, and mumbled a sentence that ended with James”.Teachers point to video as an example of a tolerant attitude, but social insecurities will always make for stupid bullies.

Japanther, Um Like Your Smile Is Totally Ruling Me, Tut Tut Now Shake Ya Butt, Menlo Park Recordings, 2008 -
“To me punk rock means encouraging bikes not cars. To me it means being sad when you can't see the stars... at night! So get on our bikes, ride downtown by the clear channel billboards, tear them down! They say it's a dream. I hope not! It's more than just a dream to me!”

Alpine, Icy Poles [Australian], Zurich, Ivy League Records, 2010 -
“I ride my bicycle around the park. It goes so very far. And the wind in my hair... Oh, it sets me free. Oh, it's okay now. Anything is possible. Be kind, my icypole summer.”

Kevin Abstract, Bicycle [hip hop], Imagination, [self], 2011 -
“Grab that bike and let's ride to a place, you decide, somewhere that fits that vibe... Happiness will arise, but please just let it be. Young kid, don't rush nothing, or nothing's just what you'll see. And you don't want that, no, a place that's so, so cold, where all the lost souls go. It's such a long, dark road.”

Unchain, My Bicycle [Japanese & English], Sundogs, Style-Missile Rec., 2011

Chronixx, Somewhere [reggae], Perfect Key Riddim, DZL Rec., 2012 -
“And I don't know where you wanna go, but I'm willing to take you there. Me nah no if a bike or a bicycle, but baby come mek me take you somewhere... Come with me. So much things to see.”

McSlappy (Tynan McDonald Davis), I’m in Oakland and I’m Riding My Bike [hip-hop], l.o.r.m.b EP, Funky Finger Productions, 2012

Beenie Man (Anthony Moses Davis), Wine Up U Body [Jamaican dancehall], Mad Step Riddim Mix, DJ Frass Records, 2013 -
From an old Kingston friend comes a hilarious enticement: “Yo fashion no cheap like Toyota parts. Yuh no have no clothe weh wi know by heart. Look good in a yo yard and yo hot in a yo shorts...Skin tone pretty and yuh have sex appeal, waist no have rims like bicycle wheel. And yo hands them no rough like yo work in a field.”

Alec Benjamin, My Old Bicycle, single, [self], 2016

Neil Young, Hawaii. Hitchhiker, Reprise Rec., 2017 -
Rare reference from canon of this legendary singer-songwriter and multiple Grammy, Juno and MTV award winner, originally recorded in Malibu in 1976, released finally from archive in 2017: “Things were getting hard to follow. I was feeling pretty hollow, when the stranger came to me and put out his hand. He said, ‘I think we better talk; there's something you don't understand...’ With my baby and my bicycle, I up and rode away. And many nights have passed since this morning came my way.”

Adekunle Gold [feat Seun Kuti], Mr. Foolish [Nigerian high life], About 30, Afro Urban Rec., 2018 -
“Oun gun keke ni railway; you’re riding a bicycle on railway tracks. Awe sofe pare; my friend, you want to die. You carry petrol put for nylon come dey smoke... Fire dey burn, you no dey run. You dey take selfie.” Suggests fatal consequences of riding dangerously and sitting on a sofa excessively.

Karsen, Bysykkel Illustrert [Norwegian instrumental], single, self, 2018

Powfu (Isaiah Faber), The Story of the Paper Boy [Canadian hip-hop], Some Boring, Love Stories, Independent, 2018 -
Oddly produced by rapping lyrics over instrumental Dead Feelings by Moshi. “So what is up? I got newspapers up in my bicycle. It’s getting cold out, feeling like an icicle. It's a new job on my first day. Didn’t wanna be a paper boy, but gotta get payed. Doing what I have to pedal through the wind. Can’t feel my cheeks and the air is feeling thin...Yeah, I hate this shit, but I'll stay with it. I put a smile on even though I'm faking it... I don't talk a lot, I say this and that. But my bars are clean, yeah they spick and span. I feel like I am flying. I don't wanna calm down now... Hop up on my bike again. Going like 22 except minus 10... Keep my mouth shut, so the bugs don't get in.Yeah, I'm kinda starting to like it. It feels good when my work pays off. I'm a nice kid, everyday grinding, but Sunday I’m a take off... I just hit cat. Try’na run away but my tire's flat. Heartbeat racing I’m a keep on paddling. Taking the steady, my breath feeling heavy. This how it goes when you travel the road you’ve never been down before.”

Drens, Bicycle Rider [German “surf punk” in English], Sunny Side Up, self, 2019

Tom Rosenthal, Bicycle Lane, B Sides, Kudos Records, 2019 -
“You are longer than the road, and you will be home so soon. One of you had a thought; it’s time to make the great escape. There’s no sign of cars. You’re in the bicycle lane.”

Casey Abrams, Def [psychedelia], single, Concord Music Group, 2020 -
“How 'bout you say we go for a bike ride? Definitely. Gonna ride my bicycle... wanna see some miracles. Hey, man, There’s a bike path over there. It looks real... Shall we proceed? Definitely. You gotta keep on movin’... (bike pedals, so soothin’.. Gonna ride a little bit longer... and our legs are gonna get stronger.” Abrams is also shown mountain biking in video for Simple Life. “Don’t need no speedy car to get me home.” But he then ditches bike for a jeep to transport his hippie chippies.

Karsen, Bicycle Song, single, self, 2020 -
“I got a brand new bicycle, and it goes ding, ding, and I can ride it where I like... It’s my cool ride. Can you sit on it? I’ll let you know. And it can go pretty far, now lady, to see the places I want to go, meet all the faces that gaze in wonder at the cool stickers and gears I show... And it can go pretty fast, now lady, but I prefer to be cruising slow.“

Purity Ring, Peacefall [Canadian witch house techno duo‽], Womb, Crystal Math Music, 2020 -
“Spoken like a prophet in all your misery. Peace comes at dawn, but yours comes at night, riding your bicycle into the light... Ride like a maniac into the light.”

Rain in Skåne

Latest push for evidence of bicycling culture began as a pastime during quarantine, but has escalated past obsession into full time occupation. But do a hundred more examples keep notion pristine? Have discussed how bikes add smarts and sparks to health food ads and pharma sales spots. Figure they might sell joint medicines to cyclists with bad ankles, backs, feet, knees, and wrists by showing aged others happily riding despite pain that exists. There’s no question once into your 70’s you’ll take these drugs if it will help you move freely, but they condemn champions and strip titles for same reason among twentysomethings, as scandalously documented in Icarus (Bryan Fogel, dir., 2017), which won an Academy Award. Movies untoward push bikes on kids as if a gateway drug to automotive addiction. You are born a creature with feet without extraneous conveyance predilection.

Neglect can exceed naked aggression in lost lives and ruined property. Amidst government confusion an ammonium nitrate stockpile blasted Beirut, cost billions, and killed hundreds. If you don’t exert yourself physically off and on your job, hydrate religiously, monitor conditions, and rest judiciously, your bag of bones, flab and fluids atrophies into a sickly blob and heart explodes. A cycled half century under 90° loads becomes nearly impossible for any coasting and panting slob. Global warming increasingly confines jaunts to early morning’s same old haunts. Leaves lots of air conditioned hours to address exploratory taunts.

Swedish experimental short film Hämta en cykel [To Fetch a Bike] (Roy Andersson, dir., 1968) stars a morose Monica Löf and pensive Pierre Bené. They wake early after having slept together. Following a minimal breakfast they get his bicycle stored in the attic above his brother’s cold water flat and part ways. He has to get to work, so she saunters off into an existential vacuum of meaningless modernity.

Twenty years later for Icarus Films young Scot actress Tilda Swinton exclusively by bike toured West Berlin’s border alongside its infamous Wall, documented in half hour short Cycling the Frame (Cynthia Beatt, dir., 1988). Goal was to experience poetically its psychogeography. On film’s twentieth anniversary, after Swinton had already won an Academy Award, they decided to team again to retrace this 162 km route where Wall, once graffiti laden yet hardly acknowledged as if a taboo topic, no longer exists, documented in The Invisible Frame (Cynthia Beatt, dir., 2009).

Bicycling trio Bean (Martin Delaney), Chip and Sumo are self proclaimed Peacekeepers, members of an exclusive club. Bean’s dad, science professor McNeil, aka Gadgetman (Jim Goddard, dir., 1996), is also an inventor, but his clever device gets him kidnapped by criminals, who want to use it for ATM robberies. Dad installed jet packs on Bean’s bike, which enable him to outride Cyber Rats bicycling gang and spring dad from captors. But Bean’s girlfriend Frankie and dozens of Cyber Rats create a diversion when McNeils need it most.

My Teacher’s Wife (Bruce Leddy, dir., 1999) is Vicky Mueller (Tia Carrere), whose abusive husband might recommend high school senior Todd Boomer (Jason London) for admission to Harvard University. Having an affair with her wasn’t at all advisable, wrecks his relationship with buddy Faber and girlfriend Kirsten, yet Todd rides his hybrid bike back to Vicky's studio for math tutoring and more as if a moth to a flame.

In a remake of H.G. Wells’ classic The Time Machine (Simon Wells, dir., 2002), Alex Hartdegen (Guy Pearce) hurtling forward into future stops briefly to reveal conditions in May of 2030. New Yorkers who aren’t flying in space cars are mostly bicycling and walking surface streets, except those who’ve begun adapting moon for underground condos. By 2037, after too aggressive tunneling, moon breaks up, which destroys earth’s surface, with bikes strewn haphazardly about burning wreckage. While time travel raises all sorts of physical impossibilities, it has been repeatedly linked with bicycling as a metaphor, such as going backwards to a simpler era. If you remain stationary in space-time, you’d drift off surface of earth as it rotated, planet continued to orbit sun, and sun orbit galactic center. Very accurate chronometers aboard space craft show that the faster you go, the more time slows. After a long journey an astronaut would be much younger upon return than her/his twin sibling, or even younger than offspring, if Einstein’s relativity, conceived while bicycling, is to be believed.

Twelve-year-old Ryan (Bryan Parkes) spending summer with astronomer dad Ned (Thomas Garner), doesn’t get any attention since dad was promoted. Ned compensates by buying Ryan a new bike. He meets three kids his age: Carlos (Wolf Bradley), Kyle (Graham Spillman), and Lisa (Callie Waterman). Kyle invites Ryan on a bike ride intending to embarrass him on a hilly course, so he avoids them and rides alone. When he comes home, pet retriever Jupiter is missing, nowhere to be seen. Resolving their differences to find lost pet, kids form Bike Squad (Richard Gabai, dir., 2005). Collecting evidence by bike, kids break case by following two bumbling dognappers (Michael Vaccaro and Michael Olifiers), who’ve sold Jupiter to Mr. Jackson (Michael McConnohie) for lab experiments.

Modern Indian Muslim girl living in San Francisco, Beena (Melanie Kannokada) is Bicycle Bride (Hassan Zee, dir., 2009). Struggling under thumb of a domineering mother, she hopes to overthrow old school tradition of arranged marriages. Seeing couples riding bikes, she recalls mom’s prohibition, “Bikes are for boys. Girls don’t ride bikes.” She literally bumps into a white Swedish bicyclist James (Andreas Wilson) from state college she longs to attend, who teaches her how to ride. She then sabotages every suitor visit her mother sets up, so they can live happily ever after riding through Golden Gate Park.

To middle class Scot debutante Emma Morley (Anne Hathaway, Academy and Golden Globe Award winner), rich playboy Dexter Mayhew (Jim Sturgess) quotes a proverb involving 9th Century Bishop of Winchester, “St. Swithun's day [July 15th], if thou dost rain, for forty days it will remain.” One Day (Lone Scherfig, dir., 2011) covers 18 years of these feast days that they spend apart or together. Too bad she doesn’t love bicycling comedian Ian (Rafe Spall) the needy slob with whom she lives. After finally ending up happy with Dexter, Emma on her bike exiting an alley is fatally t-boned by a London bus on a rainy July 15th in 2006. Dexter’s in for rough emotional weather, as are all characters in Dogme 95 productions in which Scherfig indulges.

Micro-documentary from Malmö, Skåne County, covers women entrepreneurs who invent The Invisible Bicycle Helmet (Carl Fredrik von Gertten, dir., 2012). Device, worn like a collar, inflates like a car air bag. But is it practical? Skåne is replete with thousands of bicycling routes among nearly half a million kilometers of dedicated lanes, fine ways to segregate cyclists from motorists during short Swedish summer, but to reach a destination roads must still be shared. Seems a crime E20 Öresundsbron to Copenhagen doesn’t allow bicycles, but a segment of Europe’s longest span for both motor vehicles and trains is submerged, so hard to see how that would work. Passenger train allows bikes for a fee, and supposedly there’s a seasonal bike ferry.

Set in 1993, 20 years before date of film’s release, The To Do List (Maggie Carey, dir., 2013) is what high school valedictorian Brandy (Aubrey Plaza) compiles as pre-college chores designed to catch up with missed fun and to ditch her perfect image. Being so organized was how she rose to top of her class. Biking through the Big Bun takeout lane wasn’t an item among them. With Aubrey’s awkward and cringeworthy persona, got to expect an R rated chuckle fest. What a delight she is!

Not to be confused with Adventure Boyz reviewed below, The Adventure Club (Geoff Anderson, dir., 2017) consists of 3 school kids - Bill (Jakob Davies), Ricky (Sam Ashe Arnold) and Sandy (Dalila Bela) - who bike around suburban Regina, Saskatchewan so much that without bikes there’d be no story. Ricky’s mom Jane Young (Gabrielle Miller) runs a science museum founded by her father, an archeologist in the mold of Indiana Jones and reputed recoverer of lost mystical objects. Ricky, eager for excitement, discovers a key and map to what he thinks might be a hidden treasure. It turns out to be an ancient wishbox, which grants a holder who’s “pure of heart” 3 wishes. Ricky hopes to save his family’s museum, but there are those who'll stop at nothing to have this box, in fact, enlist a rival gang of cycling kids to steal it. As these family movies go, this one has decent production values.

Adopted Detroit teen Eli Solinski (Myles Truitt) bikes to scavenge copper wire from abandoned buildings, where he finds a powerful alien weapon. Using it to protect his ex-con brother Jimmy (Jack Reynor) from villain Taylor (James Franco) triggers a signal to its owners, his actual birth KIN (John and Jonathan Baker, dirs, 2018) from another world. Mayhem ensues. Not even an edgy score composed and performed by old friends Mogwai could raise critical acceptance and ticket sales.

Teen son James (Lucius Hoyos) of Phat Tire bike shop manager Randy Nash (Tyler Christopher) finds lovable, one foot tall robot F.R.E.D.I. (Sean Olsen, dir., 2018) in a back pack while hiking in woods near his Bentonville, Arkansas home. He wants to keep this Future Robotics Engineered Design Innovation for an artificial intelligence pet, like E.T., but has an impeding move to Tucson and school science project to complete. Corporate security agents are desperately searching for this robot, programmed to analyze and avert safety hazards through telekinetic capabilities, before its power cell explodes and incinerates everything within village. Gang of kids on bikes lead gasping agents on bikes on a merry chase after they tase dad, who wouldn’t cooperate with questioning as to son's whereabouts. Why they abandoned SUV makes little sense. Teens return robot to Dr Palmer (Kelly Hu) who wants to keep its technology from being used as a weapon.

Emulating motorcycle racer dad Mike Harris (Howard J. Ford, dir. and star), towhead Adventure Boyz (2019) Jake and Sam (Felix and Rory Ford) tear about on their BMXs after dad gets framed and jailed for stealing diamonds. Ability to read lips aids their search for evidence to clear him. Capacity for eluding capture comes from biking around neighborhoods and vicinity which dad had urged instead of spending so much time playing virtual games on electronic devices. One must take physical risks to thrive; bicycling in particular nicely serves that prescription. Such films portray doltish adults schooled by schoolboys. Given so many supposed grown ups act as if emotional infants, including some in highest office, soothes to hope next generation may somehow evolve.

Tall Girl (Nzingha Stewart, dir., 2019) protagonist Jodi (Ava Michelle) is a teenager whose 6 foot plus height makes her insecure and self conscious at Ruby Bridges High School in New Orleans. Dunkleman (Griffin Gluck), a student in her class who always carries a crate, asks her repeatedly for a date, but she declines any request from suitors too familiar or short. Tall Swedish exchange student Stig arrives to stay with Dunkleman, but Jodi's nemesis Kimmy (Clara Wilsey) tries to lure Stig away when she assumes Jodi would be interested in him. Still chasing Jodi in vain, Dunkleman on his bike collides head over heels with a parked car.

Bully Kazakhstain

Lara Croft (Alicia Vikander), Tomb Raider (Roar Uthaugh, dir., 2018): Foxy Londoner as fixie messenger.

After watching so many movies, have begun to question if filmmaking is such a benevolent enterprise. Trillions of dollars invested in mere entertainment certainly circulated cash, inspired audiences, provided diversity, and sectioned economy. But how much better might society be served if that amount was devoted toward curing issues of clean water, climate, energy, food, health, and housing? For example, average temperatures globally have increased for each of last 6 decades because of fossil fuel use and wars fought. Could it be that enough has already been wasted on what you’d deem responsible endeavors?

Giant broadcasting networks spend billions on shaping facts gathered by real journalists and scientists by spinning them into selfish narratives. What’s the point of confirming facts for liars and murderers to misuse? Fox News consistently shores up sinking GOP by conflating stories from other sources; in fact, now that control is slipping through rich Republican fingers it creates a lucrative opportunity for them to lie. It’s hard to see how many swallow such propaganda, but without truth anything goes. More voters are Independent (36%) and unrepresented than either Democrats (32%) or Republicans (30%), that is to say, fully aware other two deceive to exert influence and set policies that only suit their own agendas.

Macho possession, milk money extortion, and wedgie torment only describe classic bullies. Unfortunately, such social aberrations continue into adulthood, business management, parenting, political office, and presidency, where they become a horrid examples for youth and enable worse behaviors. Aryan nazis and supremacist tyrants were bound to rebound once a black individual was elected commander-in-chief, whose first thought wasn’t to pick a fight. Only a morally bankrupt poser would consider a war as a good way to consolidate power or get reelected. Even if you saw it coming, you’d probably assume you couldn’t do anything to prevent. Unless you take a personal stand against, bullies will create tragedies and ruin lives. Labann made up for neglecting to report emerging bicycle culture, particularly in films and songs, when other sources only enumerated not explained their relevance, and tied them into socio-political trends.

B&C described dramedy Rushmore (Wes Anderson, dir., 1998) in which eccentric teen Max Fischer (Jason Schwartzman) and industrial tycoon Herman Blume (Bill Murray) trade vengeful acts including Herman intentionally running over Max’s bike with his luxury sedan, and Max riding a beater replacement to his plant to cut car’s brake lines, for which he’s arrested but unrepentant. But a Youtube clip has since appeared that sums up these scenes. Lately herein tried to limit coverage to 21st Century.

Costume dramas, cowboy westerns, crime thrillers, romance fantasies, slasher romps, and space epics usually disappoint as sources of bicycling culture, but coming-of-age stories, family time tales, and human focus flicks often yield relevant references, though you should sometimes expect pabulum for plots. For example, The Mystical Adventures of Billy Owens (Mark McNabb, dir., 2008) has an 11 year old protagonist biking about Spirit River, Alberta to fulfill his destiny as a third generation wizard. Critics rate it and sequel Billy Owns and the Secret of the Runes (2010) among the worst films ever made, schlocky ripoffs of Harry Potter franchise. Effects were not at all special.

In Cheney, WA, inventive paperboy Owen (Luke Benward) flings deliveries via a bespoke launcher mounted to back rack on his bike. Bullies and dogs attack, but he disengages using boobytraps and dog biscuits. Gem thieves roll into town and so commences the Diamond Dog Caper (Mark Stouffer, dir., 2008). Owen’s high pressure tennis ball cannon made out of bicycle scraps holds off their siege of his hilltop tree fort. Chief bully gets his comeuppance when thieves, racing out of control in a rowboat on wheels, inadvertently chase him on his bike off street into a dumpster.

Dawn (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and Peter O’Neil, their daughter, and three sons live under The Tree (Julie Bertuccelli, dir., 2010) that towers over their home. Peter suffers a fatal heart attack and, while dying, crashes his pickup truck into it. While Dawn grieves, oldest son Tim (Christian Byers) takes charge. Neighborhood busybodies arrive, so Tim has to take bike to school. Crones urge Dawn to engrave family name on belongings, “Haven’t you noticed those boys riding bikes up and down the road lately?” as if evident they intended to steal TVs. Tim bikes to apply for a part time job. Daughter Simone (Morgana Davies) begins spending a lot of time up in tree’s branches, then convinces mom that the ghost of her dead dad can be heard high in its canopy. When Dawn begins to rebound with a new love interest, tree retaliates.

As did fictional news photographer Peter Parker and late street fashion photographer Bill Cunningham, Labann reports freelance. Cunningham advised, “If you don’t take money, they can’t tell you what to do, kid,” which is liberty at its supremely expensive essence. For decades freelancing to the New York Times, Bill only took a job with them in 1994 for health benefits after being struck by a truck while biking about, which is how he could perch at the no parking intersection of 5th Avenue and 57th Street and pursue insights into what real people wear. A documentary on his body of work, Bill Cunningham: New York (Richard Press, dir., 2011), doesn’t reveal the bulk of it, which has never been published. Nice to think a Boston born, mad hatter, vital octogenarian also biked, not just children who dominate this latest post’s reviews.

Supermarket greengrocer with Downs Syndrome nicknamed Produce (David DeSanctis) spreads his uplifting attitude among Louisville townsfolk not so challenged but who’ve created own demons in alcoholism (is set in Kentucky) and despair. Produce rides his bicycle to work, but gets knocked down later by vindictive coworker Colt who he turned in for shoplifting. Major League ex-player Cal Campbell (Kristofer Polaha) tries to take Produce under his broken wing, but instigates more trouble for him than encouragement or recognition. A bourbon soaked texter collides with and nearly kills him, but a hospital ICU is Where Hope Grows (Chris Dowling, dir., 2014) for those who survive. Kudos to Dowling for casting someone actually developmentally challenged in a starring role, the first in an English speaking feature film, who nevertheless does an award worthy job.

Set in Taiwan (what aggressive, imperial PRC bizarrely believes still belongs to them), To the Fore (Dante Lam, dir., 2015) stars bike team leader Eddie Peng and love interest Wang Luodan. Admit to not having actually viewed this Hong Kong Cinema film with an actual story, great racing footage, and lovely scenery dramatizing vicious cycling competitions. Was submitted but not nominated for an Academy Award, which usually depends upon many westerners having viewed. YouTube trailer had less than 50,000 hits after 5 years online, which suggest insufficient interest.

Quentin Jacobsen (Josiah Cerio as a boy, Nat Wolff as a young adult) has hots for miss across his street Margo Spiegelman (Hannah Alligood as a girl, Cara Delevingne as a young adult). Kids instantly bond and inseparably ride bikes, but grow increasingly distant through high school. One night Margo surprises “Q” for a night of pranks against betrayers. Then Margo disappears leaving a clue about where she may be, in one of several Paper Towns (Jake Schreier, dir., 2015) that cartographers add to maps to curtail copyright infringements but remain undeveloped and unpopulated. Q and pals decide to embrace adventure and solve mystery.

All for One (Dan Jones & Marcus Cobbledick, dirs., 2017) documents building Orica GreenEdge, an Australian international peloton team, from 2011 to 2016. Emotional and insightful coverage of major European races probe what decisions, efforts and sacrifices riders and teams must make to ever hope to stand on a winner’s podium. Features inevitable Phil Liggett commentary, and jumps between cheerful and cringeworthy.

India Hair plays a stubborn Quality Assurance Specialist at a French automaker in Crash Test Aglae (Eric Gravel, dir., 2017). When operations are off-shored for labor savings in country of India, employees are given Hobson’s choice of moving for less pay, own relocation costs, and worse conditions, or taking a lousy severance package. Compulsive about her contributions, Algae heads to India with two sympathetic coworkers. Their puttering subcompact gets passed by a group of geriatric cyclists. Companions give up on journey before they even leave Europe. She forges on alone, hitchhiking after car dies, sneaking into Ukraine, then stealing a bicycle in Kazakhstan and a motorcycle in Tibet. She collapses, and two tykes on bikes with a junkyard trailer cart her unconscious body to a dump on Indian border, where she’s miraculously rescued. Company, embarrassed by her ghastly ordeal and lost finger, decide to keep French plant open after all. Although broke and pregnant, she quits after realizing how this quest has freed her from limiting herself to a disposable cog in someone else’s greed machine.

Supposedly grown up friends still chase martial arts sensei Jeremy Renner (Marvel Avengers’ Hawkeye) in a 30 year game of TAG (Jeff Tomsic, dir., 2018), which occurs the last weekend of every.May. Not even suave Jon Hamm can lay on finger on Renner, who has always evaded his four rivals, never been “it”, and outran them on foot when they chased on bikes. Recalls famous Forest Gump scene. Sounds so ridiculous it could only be based on an actual case.

Gamble (Aaron Bartlett & Joe Bowman dirs., 2018) portrays dramatic mountain biking clips in rapid succession as top X-sports talents speed down single track slaloms specially prepared to kick up dust and look super dangerous. Narrated by cockney actor Alan Ford over heavy metal and punk soundtrack including Arctic Monkeys’ From the Ritz to the Rubble, Adverts’ One Chord Wonders, and Black Lips’ Raw Meat, all of which sort of describe how abused and advertised Mongoose and Santa Cruz bikes beat riders back. Klunkerz riders who invented mountain bikes did all this without disk brakes and shock absorbers, though they had to repack bearings after each downhill run.

Macho bully Ivan (Diego Delpiano) terrorizes schoolyard and whoever even talks to Sveva (Clòe Romagnoli), who he calls his girlfriend despite her adamant denials. Teacher Paola (Paola Cortellesi) breaks up his fight with Riccardo (Francesco Mura). Ivan’s gang later ambushes Riccardo, but he eludes and outrides them, only to witness Miss Paolo being kidnapped. After Riccardo summons urchins to crime scene, they discover that teacher is secretly 500 year old Befana of the Legend of the Christmas Witch (Michele Soavi, dir., 2018). After supper, these three and three more set out on their bikes to save her and holiday of epiphany. Having damaged some on Italian Alps terrain, these tiny heroes tie bikes together into a sailing ship. Villains dump bikes and them into a compactor, which they narrowly escape.

“Did anyone disclose to anyone where we’re going?” “It’s only five miles. We’ll be back before lunch.” So begins a group bicycle quest for Alex and two new friends trying to decipher what The Mysterious Note (Richard Aguilera, dir., 2019) means that they found in basement of hardware store which Alex’s dad is auditing before foreclosure. Nice new mountain bikes are left behind when road only slightly bars traffic. Just as well; they get trapped in an abandoned fallout shelter and have to be rescued by luck and prayers. Characteristic of these Christian based, low budget homilies, bad dialogue, heavy handed plot, and poor acting chase away audiences and raise critics’ hackles.

Popular comedy Good Boys (Gene Stupnitsky, dir., 2019) got 80% from Rotten Tomatoes, further evidence that saintly isn’t human and venial amuses more effectively. Max (Jacob Tremblay) and his naughty friends get ready for their first teen party, where they expect to kiss girls but don’t know how. So he uses his dad’s drone to spy on girl next door when not riding bikes with his best buddies on other preparatory capers.

Northern artist Harry Spence (Brad Worch II) ventures down to Charleston, SC on business, welcomed by belle Betty Lane (Lauren Swickard) offering Southern Comfort (Ryan Gregory Phillips, dir., 2016). Fairy tale romance turns into a nightmare. At one point, helping a friend’s son to get home, riding along a quiet road, a jealous suitor in a monster truck runs Harry off and tacos kid’s front wheel. He carries busted MTB through a cornfield and encounters a Ku Klux Klan scarecrow, but later repairs ride so kid can again deliver newspapers. Prejudice damns him as metrosexual Yankee scum, but he’s really popular Academy Award winning child actor Spencer Hayes grown up, who’s trying to research a potential movie role. His big shot news reporter brother interviews him throughout to capitalize on his adventure, but Spencer is actually secretly exposing him as a Pulitzer plagiarist.