La Bore, de Tour, la Bane

“Good news in today’s world is like a fugitive, treated like a hoodlum, and put on the run. Castigated. All we see is good-for-nothing news. And we have to thank the media industry for that. It stirs people up. Gossip and dirty laundry. Dark news that depresses and horrifies you.” - Bob Dylan, Nobel Laureate for being a Protest Poet, New York Times 2020 interview. Protesters he influenced shown cycling to convene recently for BLM in Oakland, CA. 

Labann interlaces facts, fancy terms, fantasies, rhymes and rhythms. Takes an insane amount of labor every day to be such a bane and bore, to lead readers into such a repulsive detour. Poetry and vocabulary can be off-putting, yet truths send people recoiling and screaming. Journalism can be a mirror that shows blemishes, cracks and wrinkles, and who wants that? Have lately, however, reported in line with B&C’s primary mission, to explore bicycling culture, not necessarily to advocate participation but embrace all aspects, minus and plus. Doesn’t misery love company? How you react is your own business. Feature films always seem to personalize pedaling to individual circumstances; viewers could claim they were entertained or complain they were cheated. If you can soon die alone by an invisible and vicious disease from an unmasked sneeze, you let a horrid lampoon fly, never question why, before you say your last goodbye.

Swan family’s three daughters, fetching fiancée Anna (Gretchen Mol), fierce feminist Karen (Martha Plimpton) and fully blind Nina (Jennifer Tilly), named after Tolstoy’s novel, all heed Music from Another Room (Charlie Peters, dir., 1998), which is how Danny (Jude Law) describes being in love in this romantic farce. Supposedly, if you are in love, no amount of noise can keep you from singing along in sync even when you can’t hear song during an extended distraction. After Danny loses his apartment, he elects to move into a flat over a bakery, where he delivers pastries by bicycle to defray rent while awaiting a gig as a mosaic artist. Danny’s personal association with the Swans goes back to when he was 6 years old and had to help his doctor dad deliver Anna. Fate had them meet again 25 years later, having crashed his bike when doored by a Mercedes driver, who turns out to be Anna’s brother Billy attending same party at parent’s home. Danny imposes on their lives, influences sisters, and introduces chronically fearful Nina to dancing, where she meets a Latin lover, Jesus (Vincent Laresca), who awkwardly buys her a bicycle. Remarkably, Jesus gets Nina to actually ride it by putting cards in his spokes and telling her to follow his clacking sound. He should have bought her a tandem, but, no matter. Anna Karenina, by the way, wasn’t a love story, rather Tolstoy’s warning against delusions of romance.

Monella (Tinto Brass, dir., 1998), aka Frivolous Lola (Anna Ammirati), is a teenager living with her widow mom in 1950’s rural Northern Italy. Lola is already engaged to Masetto (Max Parodi) but has an intense libidinousness to begin conjugal bliss, and torments town by riding her bicycle around incessantly in an immodest skirt and lace panties. This strains her Catholic relationship with Masetto, who insists upon virginity before their nuptials. Muslims believe likewise. Religions blame pandemic patients, interpret as God’s sign that they should die or suffer for their sins, particularly the one where they don’t tithe sufficiently. Primitive pagans professed something akin, sacrificed virgins to ensure successful harvests and hunts. Science shows zero correlation between earthly rewards and spiritual rituals. Doesn’t negate prayer as a positive influence or self improvement.

House of D (David Duchovny, dir., 2004) has Tom Warshaw (director Duchovny) on his son's 13th birthday recalling his own in 1973. Back then, young Tom (the late Anton Yelchin) has a friend in developmentally challenged Pappas (the late Robin Williams), and they pedal together on an ice cream vendor cart pranking pedestrians. For some reason this film was ticket bane, lost over $5.5 million. Although Duchovny's directorial debut, acting was good and New York location sets did show vehicles appropriate to period.

Dutch tragicomic adventure Ventoux (Nicole van Kilsdonk, dir., 2015) recalls 30 years earlier when five high school buddies climbed the infamous, practically sacred mountain repeatedly included on Tour de France stages. Upon descent, one dies. When remaining four meet again in middle age, they resolve to repeat this challenge in memory of their lost friend, though no longer in teenage shape, as have millions of cyclists from all over the world out of love for this sport. Old flame Maruschka Detmers shows up to complicate matters and resurrect jealousies. Ventoux is sort of a male sequel to Zadelpijn (Nicole van Kilsdonk, dir., 2007) in which seven females survive each others petty barbs on a week long bicycling tour of Normandy. Happiest woman in group is one who’s worse off, who has cancer and is likely delighted just to be able to belong on tour.

Brothers Hussin, Noah and Timothy, inspired by Dylan, Kerouac, and Thoreau, build bicycles from recycled components for themselves, then spend next 2 years tracing Southern border of USA for 5,000 miles from North Carolina to Los Angeles making a DIY crowdfunded documentary, America Recycled (Hussins, 2015). It answers question about where nation’s anarchists, commune dreamers, dumpster divers, freaks, hippies and libertines who’ve survived disappeared to: Homesteading and squatting off the grid, the only place where The American Dream isn’t yet dead.

Prizefight biopic Bleed for This (Ben Younger, dir., 2016) opens with a scene of light welterweight Vinny Pazienza (Miles Teller) riding a stationary bike in his bedroom while trainers enclose him in a saran wrap cocoon. Paz is desperately trying to loose a few pounds to qualify for his 1988 fight against Roger Mayweather (Peter Quillin), while organizers are on phone threatening default for not showing up for mandatory weigh-in. Bicycling is often associated with boxing, usually trainers riding alongside contender’s roadwork used to build leg muscles and overall stamina. They call a peloton racer who attacks solo and builds a sustained lead a baroudeur, meaning brawler or fighter, though term originated with foreign legionaries who settled differences with fisticuffs. 

An unrealistic Christian indie film called Baroudeur (Frans Cronjé, dir., 2012), aka Breakaway (not to be confused with classic often cited Breaking Away) has a laid-off family man taking up bike messengering, then, with encouragement of a local shop owner, ne’er-do-well brother, and professional cyclist, enters some races for prize money.

In seriocomic feature Baked in Brooklyn (Rory Rooney, dir., 2016), inept bicyclist David (Josh Brener) loses his consultant job, so resorts to pedaling around his New York neighborhood selling weed for a livelihood. He meet love interest Kate (Alexandra Daddario), who worries about him as demand proliferates and paranoia overtakes. More about cannabis sales later...

Ingrid Goes West (Matt Spicer, dir., 2017) to impose on beautiful bicyclist and Instagram friend Taylor Sloane (Elizabeth Olsen), “the coolest and most interesting person she ever met”. Ingrid (Aubrey Plaza) is an insane internet stalker that Taylor permits to become a constant confidante and mutual admiration companion. How can this end well?

Izzy Gets the F*ck Across Town (Christian Papierniak, dir., 2017) when she (Mackenzie Davis) finds out her ex-boyfriend Roger (Alex Russell) is having an engagement party to announce nuptials with her ex-best girlfriend. But her journey from Santa Monica across LA in a day requires several modes of borrowed transportation, one exasperating segment by bicycle. Izzy intends to cause havoc and crash bash, maybe get back boyfriend she trashed. Fact that she spends so much time riding sidewalks attests to LA’s lack of cycling infrastructure. As a gig worker Izzy would be eligible for unemployment, but free COVID handouts prove no good comes from redistributing treasury revenue. It's just a way to funnel taxes into creditors, insurers, mortgage holders, and tax assessors who send bills you can’t avoid due to extreme consequences including homelessness and starvation.

Marlo (Charlize Theron, Academy Award Best Actress) is an imperfect mom who births her third child and suffers from postpartum depression. Her brother-in-law and husband urge her to consider a night nanny, which she considers an extravagance. When things turn for the worst, she hires Tully (Jason Reitman, dir., 2018). Initially awkward, Marlo and Tully (Mackenzie Davis, who starred as Izzy, above) grow friendly, share intimacies, work through issues; they even plan to meet at a bar in Marlo’s old Brooklyn neighborhood. One night Marlo rides with her favorite barista (Emily Haine) though Bushwick, just the thing to shed 35 pounds the former model and 100 times nominated actress gained for this role. Wonderful how imagination can play a part in healing, isn’t it?

Postponed Tour de France finally underway, recall how HBO’s mockumentary Tour de Pharmacy (Jake Szymanski, dir., 2017) ridicules UCI racing in general and world’s premier race as tainted by unnatural biochemistry. Not about Amgen’s Tour of California despite name, a crew of celebrities, fans of cycling, join in, including avid riders Andy Samberg and Jeff Goldblum. Austrian cyclist Gustav Ditters (WWE champion John Cena) has a bit of a problem with ‘roid rage when reporters accuse five remaining competitors including him of “dogging it” during 1982’s race. TdF’s 69th edition was in fact won by Bernard Hinault, his 4th of 5 TdF victories, and 35 years ago last Frenchman to win a TdF. Ditters can ride faster, but gets disqualified just like rest of field, who were caught bribing UCI President Ditmer Klerken (Kevin Bacon). Americans are unaware that Tour de France, by virtue of being free for spectators, is the best attended sporting event ever, fifteen million in a typical year, with one billion television viewers, 10 times as many who tune in NFL’s Superbowl. Stamina to ascend mountains and endure 2,800 miles in 21 stages averaging 30 mph seems impossible to summon without special help. Top teams earn millions of euros, so profit motives push riders past sensible limits.

Argentine family of sensitive teen Lorenzo (Angelo Mutti Spinetta), who’ve decamped city for barren Patagonia, take in older, troubled teen Caíto (Lautaro Rodríguez), who hides secrets too delicate to reveal. For LoLo, Caíto becomes My Best Friend (Martin Dues, dir., 2018). Both learns things from each other on a bicycling/camping trek, while a same sex crush develops. In Spanish with subtitles, appeals mostly to LGBTQ crowd.

Callow bicyclist and comic book artist Enn, short for Henry (Alex Sharp), thinks he’s learning How to Talk to Girls at Parties (John Cameron Mitchell, dir, 2018), but Zan (recently mentioned Elle Fanning) is actually an extraterrestrial landed in 1977 Croydon, South London, for a conformity ritual. She admires Enn’s punk attitude and forms an alien bond. He’s grateful for a smidgen of physical stimulation.

Punk rebellion also stands out in The House of Tomorrow (Peter Livolsi, dir., 2018). Home schooled and socially isolated, geeky bicyclist Sebastian (Asa Butterfield) lives with his grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) in their aging Minnesota geodesic museum designed by futuristic architect Buckminster Fuller. In one visiting group, he encounters brother and sister Jared (Alex Wolff) and Meredith (Maude Apatow). A friendship grows and they form a punk band. As youth comes of age, it’s normal that they find their own way and overthrow past conventions, though this instinct seems to skip satisfied generations who place little value on individual innovations. That’s when fascism reappears, freedoms start to disappear, and some civil disobedience becomes de rigueur.

The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie, dir., 2020) involves Mickey Pearson (Mathew McConnaughey), who’s an American pot grower operating in London trying to divest himself of that business, which triggers turf takeover by rival gangsters. When a bunch of hooligan bicyclists use cell phones to video a murder, Raymond (Charlie Hunman) and his proper gangsters confront them. Can’t come prepared for a knife fight when misjudged gentleman you want to intimidate pulls out a machine gun. Street scum scatter. Raymond’s crew chase them down on foot, as if decent riders could be caught by joggers, and convince them to turn phones over, in one case by dooring a fleeing loose end. Movie’s box office success derives from its vicarious appeal to criminally inclined minds. Economic downturns inspire renegade behaviors that conveniently overlook how they harm innocents.