La Bore, de Tour, la Bane

“Good news in today’s world is like a fugitive, treated like a hoodlum, and put on the run. Castigated. All we see is good-for-nothing news. And we have to thank the media industry for that. It stirs people up. Gossip and dirty laundry. Dark news that depresses and horrifies you.” - Bob Dylan, Nobel Laureate for being a Protest Poet, New York Times 2020 interview. Protesters he influenced shown cycling to convene recently for BLM in Oakland, CA. 

Labann interlaces facts, fancy terms, fantasies, rhymes and rhythms. Takes an insane amount of labor every day to be such a bane and bore, to lead readers into such a repulsive detour. Poetry and vocabulary can be off-putting, yet truths send people recoiling and screaming. Journalism can be a mirror that shows blemishes, cracks and wrinkles, and who wants that? Have lately, however, reported in line with B&C’s primary mission, to explore bicycling culture, not necessarily to advocate participation but embrace all aspects, minus and plus. Doesn’t misery love company? How you react is your own business. Feature films always seem to personalize pedaling to individual circumstances; viewers could claim they were entertained or complain they were cheated. If you can soon die alone by an invisible and vicious disease from an unmasked sneeze, you let a horrid lampoon fly, never question why, before you say your last goodbye.

Swan family’s three daughters, fetching fiancée Anna (Gretchen Mol), fierce feminist Karen (Martha Plimpton) and fully blind Nina (Jennifer Tilly), named after Tolstoy’s novel, all heed Music from Another Room (Charlie Peters, dir., 1998), which is how Danny (Jude Law) describes being in love in this romantic farce. Supposedly, if you are in love, no amount of noise can keep you from singing along in sync even when you can’t hear song during an extended distraction. After Danny loses his apartment, he elects to move into a flat over a bakery, where he delivers pastries by bicycle to defray rent while awaiting a gig as a mosaic artist. Danny’s personal association with the Swans goes back to when he was 6 years old and had to help his doctor dad deliver Anna. Fate had them meet again 25 years later, having crashed his bike when doored by a Mercedes driver, who turns out to be Anna’s brother Billy attending same party at parent’s home. Danny imposes on their lives, influences sisters, and introduces chronically fearful Nina to dancing, where she meets a Latin lover, Jesus (Vincent Laresca), who awkwardly buys her a bicycle. Remarkably, Jesus gets Nina to actually ride it by putting cards in his spokes and telling her to follow his clacking sound. He should have bought her a tandem, but, no matter. Anna Karenina, by the way, wasn’t a love story, rather Tolstoy’s warning against delusions of romance.

Monella (Tinto Brass, dir., 1998), aka Frivolous Lola (Anna Ammirati), is a teenager living with her widow mom in 1950’s rural Northern Italy. Lola is already engaged to Masetto (Max Parodi) but has an intense libidinousness to begin conjugal bliss, and torments town by riding her bicycle around incessantly in an immodest skirt and lace panties. This strains her Catholic relationship with Masetto, who insists upon virginity before their nuptials. Muslims believe likewise. Religions blame pandemic patients, interpret as God’s sign that they should die or suffer for their sins, particularly the one where they don’t tithe sufficiently. Primitive pagans professed something akin, sacrificed virgins to ensure successful harvests and hunts. Science shows zero correlation between earthly rewards and spiritual rituals. Doesn’t negate prayer as a positive influence or self improvement.

House of D (David Duchovny, dir., 2004) has Tom Warshaw (director Duchovny) on his son's 13th birthday recalling his own in 1973. Back then, young Tom (the late Anton Yelchin) has a friend in developmentally challenged Pappas (the late Robin Williams), and they pedal together on an ice cream vendor cart pranking pedestrians. For some reason this film was ticket bane, lost over $5.5 million. Although Duchovny's directorial debut, acting was good and New York location sets did show vehicles appropriate to period.

Dutch tragicomic adventure Ventoux (Nicole van Kilsdonk, dir., 2015) recalls 30 years earlier when five high school buddies climbed the infamous, practically sacred mountain repeatedly included on Tour de France stages. Upon descent, one dies. When remaining four meet again in middle age, they resolve to repeat this challenge in memory of their lost friend, though no longer in teenage shape, as have millions of cyclists from all over the world out of love for this sport. Old flame Maruschka Detmers shows up to complicate matters and resurrect jealousies. Ventoux is sort of a male sequel to Zadelpijn (Nicole van Kilsdonk, dir., 2007) in which seven females survive each others petty barbs on a week long bicycling tour of Normandy. Happiest woman in group is one who’s worse off, who has cancer and is likely delighted just to be able to belong on tour.

Brothers Hussin, Noah and Timothy, inspired by Dylan, Kerouac, and Thoreau, build bicycles from recycled components for themselves, then spend next 2 years tracing Southern border of USA for 5,000 miles from North Carolina to Los Angeles making a DIY crowdfunded documentary, America Recycled (Hussins, 2015). It answers question about where nation’s anarchists, commune dreamers, dumpster divers, freaks, hippies and libertines who’ve survived disappeared to: Homesteading and squatting off the grid, the only place where The American Dream isn’t yet dead.

Prizefight biopic Bleed for This (Ben Younger, dir., 2016) opens with a scene of light welterweight Vinny Pazienza (Miles Teller) riding a stationary bike in his bedroom while trainers enclose him in a saran wrap cocoon. Paz is desperately trying to loose a few pounds to qualify for his 1988 fight against Roger Mayweather (Peter Quillin), while organizers are on phone threatening default for not showing up for mandatory weigh-in. Bicycling is often associated with boxing, usually trainers riding alongside contender’s roadwork used to build leg muscles and overall stamina. They call a peloton racer who attacks solo and builds a sustained lead a baroudeur, meaning brawler or fighter, though term originated with foreign legionaries who settled differences with fisticuffs. 

An unrealistic Christian indie film called Baroudeur (Frans Cronjé, dir., 2012), aka Breakaway (not to be confused with classic often cited Breaking Away) has a laid-off family man taking up bike messengering, then, with encouragement of a local shop owner, ne’er-do-well brother, and professional cyclist, enters some races for prize money.

In seriocomic feature Baked in Brooklyn (Rory Rooney, dir., 2016), inept bicyclist David (Josh Brener) loses his consultant job, so resorts to pedaling around his New York neighborhood selling weed for a livelihood. He meet love interest Kate (Alexandra Daddario), who worries about him as demand proliferates and paranoia overtakes. More about cannabis sales later...

Ingrid Goes West (Matt Spicer, dir., 2017) to impose on beautiful bicyclist and Instagram friend Taylor Sloane (Elizabeth Olsen), “the coolest and most interesting person she ever met”. Ingrid (Aubrey Plaza) is an insane internet stalker that Taylor permits to become a constant confidante and mutual admiration companion. How can this end well?

Izzy Gets the F*ck Across Town (Christian Papierniak, dir., 2017) when she (Mackenzie Davis) finds out her ex-boyfriend Roger (Alex Russell) is having an engagement party to announce nuptials with her ex-best girlfriend. But her journey from Santa Monica across LA in a day requires several modes of borrowed transportation, one exasperating segment by bicycle. Izzy intends to cause havoc and crash bash, maybe get back boyfriend she trashed. Fact that she spends so much time riding sidewalks attests to LA’s lack of cycling infrastructure. As a gig worker Izzy would be eligible for unemployment, but free COVID handouts prove no good comes from redistributing treasury revenue. It's just a way to funnel taxes into creditors, insurers, mortgage holders, and tax assessors who send bills you can’t avoid due to extreme consequences including homelessness and starvation.

Marlo (Charlize Theron, Academy Award Best Actress) is an imperfect mom who births her third child and suffers from postpartum depression. Her brother-in-law and husband urge her to consider a night nanny, which she considers an extravagance. When things turn for the worst, she hires Tully (Jason Reitman, dir., 2018). Initially awkward, Marlo and Tully (Mackenzie Davis, who starred as Izzy, above) grow friendly, share intimacies, work through issues; they even plan to meet at a bar in Marlo’s old Brooklyn neighborhood. One night Marlo rides with her favorite barista (Emily Haine) though Bushwick, just the thing to shed 35 pounds the former model and 100 times nominated actress gained for this role. Wonderful how imagination can play a part in healing, isn’t it?

Postponed Tour de France finally underway, recall how HBO’s mockumentary Tour de Pharmacy (Jake Szymanski, dir., 2017) ridicules UCI racing in general and world’s premier race as tainted by unnatural biochemistry. Not about Amgen’s Tour of California despite name, a crew of celebrities, fans of cycling, join in, including avid riders Andy Samberg and Jeff Goldblum. Austrian cyclist Gustav Ditters (WWE champion John Cena) has a bit of a problem with ‘roid rage when reporters accuse five remaining competitors including him of “dogging it” during 1982’s race. TdF’s 69th edition was in fact won by Bernard Hinault, his 4th of 5 TdF victories, and 35 years ago last Frenchman to win a TdF. Ditters can ride faster, but gets disqualified just like rest of field, who were caught bribing UCI President Ditmer Klerken (Kevin Bacon). Americans are unaware that Tour de France, by virtue of being free for spectators, is the best attended sporting event ever, fifteen million in a typical year, with one billion television viewers, 10 times as many who tune in NFL’s Superbowl. Stamina to ascend mountains and endure 2,800 miles in 21 stages averaging 30 mph seems impossible to summon without special help. Top teams earn millions of euros, so profit motives push riders past sensible limits.

Argentine family of sensitive teen Lorenzo (Angelo Mutti Spinetta), who’ve decamped city for barren Patagonia, take in older, troubled teen Caíto (Lautaro Rodríguez), who hides secrets too delicate to reveal. For LoLo, Caíto becomes My Best Friend (Martin Dues, dir., 2018). Both learns things from each other on a bicycling/camping trek, while a same sex crush develops. In Spanish with subtitles, appeals mostly to LGBTQ crowd.

Callow bicyclist and comic book artist Enn, short for Henry (Alex Sharp), thinks he’s learning How to Talk to Girls at Parties (John Cameron Mitchell, dir, 2018), but Zan (recently mentioned Elle Fanning) is actually an extraterrestrial landed in 1977 Croydon, South London, for a conformity ritual. She admires Enn’s punk attitude and forms an alien bond. He’s grateful for a smidgen of physical stimulation.

Punk rebellion also stands out in The House of Tomorrow (Peter Livolsi, dir., 2018). Home schooled and socially isolated, geeky bicyclist Sebastian (Asa Butterfield) lives with his grandmother (Ellen Burstyn) in their aging Minnesota geodesic museum designed by futuristic architect Buckminster Fuller. In one visiting group, he encounters brother and sister Jared (Alex Wolff) and Meredith (Maude Apatow). A friendship grows and they form a punk band. As youth comes of age, it’s normal that they find their own way and overthrow past conventions, though this instinct seems to skip satisfied generations who place little value on individual innovations. That’s when fascism reappears, freedoms start to disappear, and some civil disobedience becomes de rigueur.

The Gentlemen (Guy Ritchie, dir., 2020) involves Mickey Pearson (Mathew McConnaughey), who’s an American pot grower operating in London trying to divest himself of that business, which triggers turf takeover by rival gangsters. When a bunch of hooligan bicyclists use cell phones to video a murder, Raymond (Charlie Hunman) and his proper gangsters confront them. Can’t come prepared for a knife fight when misjudged gentleman you want to intimidate pulls out a machine gun. Street scum scatter. Raymond’s crew chase them down on foot, as if decent riders could be caught by joggers, and convince them to turn phones over, in one case by dooring a fleeing loose end. Movie’s box office success derives from its vicarious appeal to criminally inclined minds. Economic downturns inspire renegade behaviors that conveniently overlook how they harm innocents.

Civil "Emanci-pain”

Never forget that roads are public space for all to share for which those who buy merchandise, earn paychecks, or own property fund by paying taxes. It's not motorists paying fuel excise fees who foot the bill, far from it. Asphalt paving comes as a byproduct from fractioning crude oil, so gasoline does now play an integral part. Yet ancient Romans slaves paved tens of thousands of miles with cut stones, segments still around after millennia. Asphalt is an ephemeral, ersatz and expensive substitute. Bicycling brought a byway boom, construction practicality which enabled motoring, but motorists betray benefactors by pushing bicyclists aside. No need to kiss butt; a modicum of civility would befit mutual benefit after or astride.

Roads resemble magic carpets that take you where you need to go and transport sustenance you can't forego. They link farms to towns, harms to clowns, qualms to frowns, whatever rolls down the pike that you do or don't like. Pandemics and polemics race along jet paths, sea channels, and transportation corridors. What makes them so deadly efficient is that segments are contiguous. Streets connect in such a way you can drive from here to there, portal to portal, and return from destinations to origins with no drama at all. Not so bike paths, which can end abruptly and just disappear annoyingly. Bikes are freedom machines except for pains to which you’re subjected. It all should flow together, each path exit onto a wide road shoulder, not steal so much time your liberty is imprisoned by detours for a year.

Republican regime currently in charge doesn’t care, prefers polling places where fewest constituents appear and voters from whom they never hear. Culpable for atrocity and hypocrisy, they generate fear and mistrust so they can take clear advantage of the fair and just with their shameless crust. None has any worthwhile goal in mind, simply derides opposition’s as recklessly blind, and nominated an impeached crime boss to run again and subjugate mankind. Gone are leaders who quoted facts and reacted in kind. Now you only feel cheated by rhetoric’s emptiness. The closer you study, the clearer you see who’s your adversary. News opinion conflates reported facts, fosters self fulfilling forecasts, goads criminal acts, pits parties at odds in order to profit and suit specific agendas. At what point does so-called news cross line into felonious sanction and sedition? When innocents perish, social inequality worsens, and vulnerable lament, time to oust those who were supposed to prevent. People should also flow together, in productive cooperation, not suffer intolerant division. Though the opposite describes what goes on today, evil should be punished and good rewarded, as movies usually portray, though most aren't more than feckless illusions anyway.

Drifter Jack McCloud (the late Patrick Swayze) travels with a dog, who’s really a genie who grants Three Wishes (Martha Coolidge, dir., 1995) to the Holman family: War widow Jeanne (Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio) and her two sons, Tom (Joseph Mazzello) and Gunny (Seth Mumy). Jack, who may have been a major league ball player or medal of honor winner, becomes a father figure and sports coach for Tom after mom takes Jack in to heal from a broken leg for which she feels responsible. Set in 1955, kids all travel by bike between grade school and little league practice. Tom diligently oils his chain, but fails to chase down Jack, who leaves once cast comes off to resume his mission of finding folks who deserve granted wishes.

Biopic of 1960’s radicals Abbie and Anita Hoffman (Vincent D’Onofrio and Janeane Garofalo) Steal This Movie (Robert Greenwald, dir., 2000), a film half of critics hated, faithfully describes why Woodstock Nation evaporated. According to country’s founding father Thomas Jefferson, revolutions should reoccur every decade or so; otherwise, complacency ushers in tyranny. Critics serve establishment, so they better not legitimize counterculture. CIA, FBI, local police, and other agencies illegally and repeatedly targeted the Hoffmans to oppress them politically and suppress their ideas. Conservatives have zero tolerance for honesty or infamy. They forced Abbie into a 6 year, 63 town underground odyssey of bicycling from cheap tenements to temporary jobs to dodge bogus charges and cruel entrapments. You don’t need to prove your identity if you bike instead of drive. Codefendant Jerry Rubin is quoted from a speech, “We’re irrational and crazy because America destroyed our dreams.” Faced with precipitous arrest for his willingness to attest, Hoffman endured bouts of mental distress, but emerged a discredited but unrepentant activist, more altruistic in nation’s best interest than deserved by ambivalent liberals and apathetic rest. Nevertheless, Nixon Nazis never really left The White House, because too many citizens are still disposed to acquiesce.

Kind hearted but lonely young bicyclist Richard (Richard Vallejos) embarks on an uplighting 10-speed vacation from downtown San Francisco to forests and seaside. He takes along his dwarf hamster Etienne! (Jeff Mizushima, dir., 2008), who vet diagnosed to die shortly, so his only friend can live out his tiny life under towering redwoods. Along the way Richard collects souvenirs and encounters several nomads who enrich his experience. You are limited only by your endurance, imagination, and willingness to bear burdens for love.

Victorian psychologist Dr. Robert Dalrymple (Jonathan Pryce) suspects when women don’t reach orgasm it causes Hysteria (Tanya Wexler, dir., 2011). His manual treatments have frustrated ladies lining up. He engages hunky young Dr. Mortimer Granville (Hugh Darcy) to assist, whereupon he augments patient list and meets Dalrymple’s two daughters, Charlotte and Emily. Bicycling feminist Charlotte runs a settlement house for London’s poor. When a hand cramp gets Mortimer fired, he co-develops world’s first electrical vibrator, makes a fortune, and marries Charlotte after saving her from a court ordered hysterectomy. Just because she punched a policeman doesn’t mean she’s disturbed. Pedaling goddesses don’t need a vibrator, do they?

Not to be confused, Hysterical (Chris Bearde, dir., 1983), deemed one of the worst films ever, does have its moments. Throughout Crazy Ralph (Robert Donner) rides his bicycle into dangers he shouldn’t while telling everyone, “You’re doomed!” It’s he who narrowly escapes such harrowing predicaments as being nearly mowed down by a tractor trailer.

The Giant Mechanical Man (Lee Kirk, dir., 2012), played in shiny loose suit, silver face paint, and strap on stilts by Chris Messina, owns a bicycle but never appears to ride it, akin to Jerry Seinfeld’s Klein MTB (or was it a silver Cannondale?) hanging in his apartment. Insecurities plague men and women alike. It’s a wonder anyone ever leaves home, never mind rides amidst merciless traffic vulnerable on a bicycle. Blame insurance company, who sells motorists permission to operate irresponsibly, though vehicular negligence still carries a prison sentence.

Boyhood (Richard Linklater, dir., 2014) made cinematic history by filming the same cast over a period of 12 years. Mason (Ellar Coltrane) grows up, learns to ride a bike, and reaches marrying, motoring and voting ages. Participants collected over a dozen top awards: Academy, BAFTA, Golden Globe, and New York Film Critics.

Griffin Cleveland and his foursome of zeroes ride their bikes around Santa Clarita in Southern California, back and forth from middle school, and straight into adventure. In their meanderings they come across a suitcase of incredible Time Toys (Mark Rosman, dir., 2016) from the future. With them they foil Zircon CEO Greg Germann, whose conservative bent and theft of futuristic weapons threatens all life on earth decades hence. High tech shoes enable one boy to pedal up to 80 mph to outrun corporate henchmen chasing by car. Feckless new CEO Ed Begley, Jr. pulls up in a limo to ask children to bail him out and follow on their bikes. Plot devices appear to be purloined from recently reviewed P.U.N.K.S. (1999).

Dear Zindagi (Gauri Shinde dir., 2016) translates to Dear Life. This Hindi drama has novice cinematographer Keira (Alia Bhatt) returning home to live with her overbearing parents and seeking counseling for her insomnia from offbeat Goa psychologist Dr. Jehangir Khan (Shah Rukh Khan), whose treatment methods include riding bicycles. She promptly crashes, but he refuses to help her up, since session time concluded and she needs to learn self reliance.

Hundreds of features, film shorts, and television episodes bear a title of bicycle, though not all have something to do with a two wheeled lifestyle. Outstanding among them, short drama La Biciclette (Sara Glaoua, dir., 2017) stars young Tony (George Missalilidis) who, alone among his cycling posse rides a razor scooter, has a crush on adult Alice (Leschelle Hewett), who’s already in a meaningful relationship. Despite fact that he vandalizes her bike out of spite, they invite him to an age appropriate party.

One Percent More Humid (Liz Garcia, dir., 2017) has Iris (Juno Temple) hooking up with childhood friend Charlotte (Julia Garner), both on summer break from college, after traffic death of their threesome’s third member. Iris grieves, rides around her New England hometown, and skinny dips in nearby swimming hole. Any wetter, everyone will drown.

Paris, post Charlie Hebdo massacre, another jihadist attack kills sister of odd job guy Vincent Lacoste, who barely gets by but nevertheless must take custody of her young daughter, his niece Amanda (Mikhaël Hers, dir., 2017). They deal with their grief and get around The City of Lights by riding their bikes. Survivors move on, but must differentiate between inalienable free speech and intolerable hate crimes.

Low budget Irish comedy The Young Offenders (Peter Foote, dir., 2017) has Cork teens Connor (Alex Murphy) and Jock (Chris Walley) stealing bicycles to ride on a quest to find a bale of cocaine worth €7 million lost after trafficker’s boat capsized. Unknown to them, bike on which Jock, a bike theft suspect, is riding has had a tracking device planted by Sergeant Healey, an obsessed local sheriff out to trap him in a sting. Soon old rivals and provoked smugglers join chase along the Wild Atlantic Way. Film, based on actual events, earned 20 times its investment and won several festival awards. As a feature filmed on location amidst emerald fields of Cork, joins The Runway (Ian Power, dir., 2011) recently reviewed.

Indian comedy Tripping on a Bicycle (Subbiah Nallamuthu, dir., 2018) has two Buddhist monks, Dorje (James Keenan) and Jamyang (Sikandar Bhana) aiding a neighbor by taking title trek. Haven’t viewed this hard-to-find film; no trailer was readily available, either.

Hedonistic poet Moondog (Matthew McConaughey) parties hearty in the Florida Keys while slowly composing a memoir, The Beach Bum (Harmony Korine, dir., 2019). He cheats on his wife Minnie (Isla Fisher), neglects daughter Heather (Stefania LaVie Owen), and sends wife into arms of his R&B singer friend Lingerie (Snoop Dogg). Acting inappropriately, bicycling in a bong mask and nought but a thong, drinking beer, and smoking ganja fill his parrothead, playboy lifestyle that fans so admire though fraught with continual tragedies. Exploit others, go with greed, and satisfy self in the moment seems its empty message. While Labann looks for instances of adults enjoying bikes, this isn’t an ideal example to show tykes.

Millie Bobby Brown plays bicycling sleuth Enola Holmes (Harry Bradbeer, dir., 2020), who enlists her older brother, famous consulting detective Sherlock, to help unravel a mystery in which her feminist mother (Helena Bonham-Carter) disappears. Patriarchs never want women to have any say. Oligarchs never want anyone to vote. Just about every evil that befalls society somehow descends from the top. While it’s myopic to rely on familiarity of World’s best known literary character, sounds like a fun story of female emancipation, which was so associated with 1890’s bicycling.

Feature film Viena and the Fantomes (Gerardo Naranjo, dir., 2020) has occasional bicyclist and punk roadie Viena (Dakota Fanning) on the tour bus traveling across 1980’s America. Self absorbed band members are broke, attract no audiences, perform at empty venues, and take advantage of entourage. Meanwhile, in another feature, bicycling teen Violet (kid sister Elle Fanning shown on her Schwinn) teams with on-probation classmate Theodore (Justice Smith) to report on All The Bright Places (Brett Haley, dir., 2020) around Indiana. Taboos are challenged as romance ensues. 

These known bicyclist, modern feminist sisters will appear together on screen for the first time in WWII drama The Nightingale (Mélanie Laurent, dir., 2021), another film in production slowed by COVID-19. Surprises that Dakota Fanning’s character Sara Howard isn’t seen pedaling in The Alienist miniseries, although she already raises male hackles for owning her own detective business. TV mystery series Home Before Dark, favorably compared to The Alienist, concerns bicycling sleuth and budding journalist Hilde Lisko (Brooklyn Prince) exposing a cold case involving her own father in the Pennsylvania lake town where he once lived. Filming of Season 2 is also in pandemic hiatus. Prospects for decent entertainment soon manifesting seem as grim as these storylines.

Nilou Hemat is tired of being stuck in a traffic jam every day on her way to grade school. Together with equally precocious Belgian friend Tuur De Baere, she invents a game, Cyclomax (Daniel Lambo, dir., 2020), that aims to change Brussels into a bicycling friendly city and get everyone on their bikes, which would relieve traffic gridlock.

German sports movie to be released next month, Madison: A Fast Friendship (Kim Strobl, dir., 2020) stars Felice Ahrens in title role of a teen racer trying to live up to champion dad’s legacy, but gets sidelined by a track crash. While on a healing vacation she meets Emilia Warenski, who introduces her to mountain bike racing despite mom’s reservations.

Out this Fall, social documentary Sex, Drugs & Bicycles (Jonathan Blank, dir., 2020) will try to correlate a high standard of living with Netherlands’s permissive, semi-socialist, supportive government. USA, which has been covertly ruled by anal retentive repressive conservatives for decades, rates much lower, 15th or so, than top 5 countries in order: Denmark, Switzerland, Finland, Australia and Netherlands. To be clear, with a population exceeded by only China and India, USA is distinctly regional; some locations have less crime and more amenities. And SOL describes an amalgam of all sorts of livability and longevity issues. You might feel safe, sated and serene where you reside, while a mile away whenever races collide unarmed people are being tragically shot by nervous patrolmen. Apathy explains why corruption flourishes and inequality exists.

“Musycle” Mountain

Labann maintains world’s most comprehensive list of bicycling related songs, including over 2000 to date. No other comes close, contains more than a few hundred, or covers entire world. Over 2 dozen more are listed below. Bears restating, can’t include every song that merely mentions bikes, of which planet has billions, because certain songs, rap genre in particular, toss in b-word to make a nonsensical rhyme, though many others do reveal bicycling in meaningful ways, as shown in examples below. Also don’t cite artists who cover an earlier recording except when lyrics add a unique reference or put a new spin on relevance. While focus is on newly emerging, sometimes old and overlooked tunes unexpectedly appear, usually because they were obscure, regional or unpopular. Didn't include Julie Andrews' Do Re Mi, though film Sound of Music (1965) is often cited for family cycling scene shown.

Pierre-André Gil, Eddy Prend Le Maillot Jaune [French], single, Monopole, 1969 -
About Eddy “The Cannibal” Merckx taking the Yellow Jersey during the Tour de France.

Frankie en de Trillers (Belgian on Monopole label) and Pierre-André Gil (French on EMI label) recorded same three additional songs about Merckx in their respective languages:
Eddy! Eddy!, single, 1970
Eddy Est Imbattable! [French], aka Eddy is niet to kloppen! [Belgian], single, 1971
Eddy en Claudine (in ’T Bed), single, 1971

Sobut, Bicycle [Japanese punk in English], Judgement Crew, Aaron Field, 1997 -
Song can be found at 10:40 in on album 25:07 long. “There was always a bicycle beside me. Everywhere I wanted to go, it took on me. In so much as I had a simple brain, I could always do as I wanted. Gave me the power, gave me the pleasure. Everything exited me in those days. What did bring a wind I wanted to feel? I thought a bicycle brought a wind. There was so good days. Everyday I'd ridden on a bicycle, everyday.”

Steve Seskin, Use Mine [folk], Something Real, self, 1997 -
“I was eight years old, we were poor as dirt. Mom was pregnant with my sister and dad was out of work. I wanted a bicycle to ride with my friends, a shiny Western Flyer in candy-apple red. I couldn't understand why that bike never came, but money can't buy what I got in its place. Dad tied wooden blocks to the pedals of his Schwinn, rolled out that clunker and said with a grin. Use mine, go ahead, take it; what else is it for? I wish I could do more, just go slow. You're gonna do fine, this is what life's all about. Use mine.”

Mac Benford & The Woodshed All-Stars, Freight Train Boogie (Delmore Brothers bluegrass cover), Willow, Rounder Rec., 1996 -
“Casey Jones he was a mighty man, but now he's resting in the promised land. He made the freight train boogie all the time as he rolled down the line... Casey Jones said before he died, ‘There are five more things i'd like to ride: a bicycle, tricycle, automobile, a four legged mule, and a ferris wheel.’” Adding new stanzas to bluegrass songs is common practice. Delmore Brothers’ original 1946 version didn’t mention bicycles, but tune is still a toe tapper. Tempted to add Bill Monroe & His Bluegrass Boys' 1954 Wheel Hoss, but can't be sure what this instrumental is about, likely more homage to steam trains. 

Art Garfunkel, Turn, Don’t Turn Away, Everything Waits to Be Noticed, Manhattan Records, 2002 -
Romantic bicycling vacation goes awry for actor and six time Grammy Award winning singer-songwriter: “Two tears, my own, fall on my collarbone, roaming in shade in the north of France, beneath where her shoulder meet and the rivers dance. Two weeks have flown, like water runs over stone. Bicycle wheels, bicycle wheels through the fields of grain to feel what I have to feel, learn how to speak your name... And it's turn by turn, the wheels on this gravel road tell me what I need to know.” Latest cycling fad is the gravel bike for those who commune with nature by riding hard pack country lanes and loose washboard trails.

The Hold Steady, You Gotta Dance, Almost Killed Me, Frenchkiss Records, 2004 -
“The gangster disciples knocked me off of my bicycle. It was midnight down by Selby & Griggs. I shouldn't have gone down there but it was too late to switch. You gotta dance with who you came with. You gotta go with what got you there.”

Cloud Cult, What It Feels Like To Be Alive, Advice from the Happy Hippopotamus, Earthology Records, 2005 -
“I heard grandpa on my transistor radio, though he turned in his bones twenty year ago. And he said, ‘Kid, there's something that I'd like to show you. Get your things, it's time for us to go.’ So i grab my backpack, and my flashlight, and a bag of caramel corn. I got my bicycle, and the radio, and I headed on the road. I said, ‘I'm ready for what I'm about to see, yepp.’ We headed north 'till the rain had turned to snow through rusty towns and dusty gravel road. He said, ‘Kid, you got a long way to go.’ So i went through canyons, caves, and catacombs, i sailed on bicycle boats. I slept in chapels, and brothels. I met the nicest folks... And I finally realized what he wanted to show me. Where I've been, and where I am, it's the show.” Full concert on youtube; song is at 1:05.

Kate Miller-Heidke, Caught In the Crowd [Australian], Curiouser, Sony BMG, 2008 -
“There was a guy at my school when I was in high school. We'd ride side by side in the morning on our bicycles. Never even spoken or faced each other, but on the last hill we'd race each other. When we reached the racks we'd each go our own way. I wasn't in his classes, I didn't know his name. When we finally got to speak he just stared at his feet, and mumbled a sentence that ended with James”.Teachers point to video as an example of a tolerant attitude, but social insecurities will always make for stupid bullies.

Japanther, Um Like Your Smile Is Totally Ruling Me, Tut Tut Now Shake Ya Butt, Menlo Park Recordings, 2008 -
“To me punk rock means encouraging bikes not cars. To me it means being sad when you can't see the stars... at night! So get on our bikes, ride downtown by the clear channel billboards, tear them down! They say it's a dream. I hope not! It's more than just a dream to me!”

Alpine, Icy Poles [Australian], Zurich, Ivy League Records, 2010 -
“I ride my bicycle around the park. It goes so very far. And the wind in my hair... Oh, it sets me free. Oh, it's okay now. Anything is possible. Be kind, my icypole summer.”

Kevin Abstract, Bicycle [hip hop], Imagination, [self], 2011 -
“Grab that bike and let's ride to a place, you decide, somewhere that fits that vibe... Happiness will arise, but please just let it be. Young kid, don't rush nothing, or nothing's just what you'll see. And you don't want that, no, a place that's so, so cold, where all the lost souls go. It's such a long, dark road.”

Unchain, My Bicycle [Japanese & English], Sundogs, Style-Missile Rec., 2011

Chronixx, Somewhere [reggae], Perfect Key Riddim, DZL Rec., 2012 -
“And I don't know where you wanna go, but I'm willing to take you there. Me nah no if a bike or a bicycle, but baby come mek me take you somewhere... Come with me. So much things to see.”

McSlappy (Tynan McDonald Davis), I’m in Oakland and I’m Riding My Bike [hip-hop], l.o.r.m.b EP, Funky Finger Productions, 2012

Beenie Man (Anthony Moses Davis), Wine Up U Body [Jamaican dancehall], Mad Step Riddim Mix, DJ Frass Records, 2013 -
From an old Kingston friend comes a hilarious enticement: “Yo fashion no cheap like Toyota parts. Yuh no have no clothe weh wi know by heart. Look good in a yo yard and yo hot in a yo shorts...Skin tone pretty and yuh have sex appeal, waist no have rims like bicycle wheel. And yo hands them no rough like yo work in a field.”

Alec Benjamin, My Old Bicycle, single, [self], 2016

Neil Young, Hawaii. Hitchhiker, Reprise Rec., 2017 -
Rare reference from canon of this legendary singer-songwriter and multiple Grammy, Juno and MTV award winner, originally recorded in Malibu in 1976, released finally from archive in 2017: “Things were getting hard to follow. I was feeling pretty hollow, when the stranger came to me and put out his hand. He said, ‘I think we better talk; there's something you don't understand...’ With my baby and my bicycle, I up and rode away. And many nights have passed since this morning came my way.”

Adekunle Gold [feat Seun Kuti], Mr. Foolish [Nigerian high life], About 30, Afro Urban Rec., 2018 -
“Oun gun keke ni railway; you’re riding a bicycle on railway tracks. Awe sofe pare; my friend, you want to die. You carry petrol put for nylon come dey smoke... Fire dey burn, you no dey run. You dey take selfie.” Suggests fatal consequences of riding dangerously and sitting on a sofa excessively.

Karsen, Bysykkel Illustrert [Norwegian instrumental], single, self, 2018

Powfu (Isaiah Faber), The Story of the Paper Boy [Canadian hip-hop], Some Boring, Love Stories, Independent, 2018 -
Oddly produced by rapping lyrics over instrumental Dead Feelings by Moshi. “So what is up? I got newspapers up in my bicycle. It’s getting cold out, feeling like an icicle. It's a new job on my first day. Didn’t wanna be a paper boy, but gotta get payed. Doing what I have to pedal through the wind. Can’t feel my cheeks and the air is feeling thin...Yeah, I hate this shit, but I'll stay with it. I put a smile on even though I'm faking it... I don't talk a lot, I say this and that. But my bars are clean, yeah they spick and span. I feel like I am flying. I don't wanna calm down now... Hop up on my bike again. Going like 22 except minus 10... Keep my mouth shut, so the bugs don't get in.Yeah, I'm kinda starting to like it. It feels good when my work pays off. I'm a nice kid, everyday grinding, but Sunday I’m a take off... I just hit cat. Try’na run away but my tire's flat. Heartbeat racing I’m a keep on paddling. Taking the steady, my breath feeling heavy. This how it goes when you travel the road you’ve never been down before.”

Drens, Bicycle Rider [German “surf punk” in English], Sunny Side Up, self, 2019

Tom Rosenthal, Bicycle Lane, B Sides, Kudos Records, 2019 -
“You are longer than the road, and you will be home so soon. One of you had a thought; it’s time to make the great escape. There’s no sign of cars. You’re in the bicycle lane.”

Casey Abrams, Def [psychedelia], single, Concord Music Group, 2020 -
“How 'bout you say we go for a bike ride? Definitely. Gonna ride my bicycle... wanna see some miracles. Hey, man, There’s a bike path over there. It looks real... Shall we proceed? Definitely. You gotta keep on movin’... (bike pedals, so soothin’.. Gonna ride a little bit longer... and our legs are gonna get stronger.” Abrams is also shown mountain biking in video for Simple Life. “Don’t need no speedy car to get me home.” But he then ditches bike for a jeep to transport his hippie chippies.

Karsen, Bicycle Song, single, self, 2020 -
“I got a brand new bicycle, and it goes ding, ding, and I can ride it where I like... It’s my cool ride. Can you sit on it? I’ll let you know. And it can go pretty far, now lady, to see the places I want to go, meet all the faces that gaze in wonder at the cool stickers and gears I show... And it can go pretty fast, now lady, but I prefer to be cruising slow.“

Purity Ring, Peacefall [Canadian witch house techno duo‽], Womb, Crystal Math Music, 2020 -
“Spoken like a prophet in all your misery. Peace comes at dawn, but yours comes at night, riding your bicycle into the light... Ride like a maniac into the light.”

Rain in Skåne

Latest push for evidence of bicycling culture began as a pastime during quarantine, but has escalated past obsession into full time occupation. But do a hundred more examples keep notion pristine? Have discussed how bikes add smarts and sparks to health food ads and pharma sales spots. Figure they might sell joint medicines to cyclists with bad ankles, backs, feet, knees, and wrists by showing aged others happily riding despite pain that exists. There’s no question once into your 70’s you’ll take these drugs if it will help you move freely, but they condemn champions and strip titles for same reason among twentysomethings, as scandalously documented in Icarus (Bryan Fogel, dir., 2017), which won an Academy Award. Movies untoward push bikes on kids as if a gateway drug to automotive addiction. You are born a creature with feet without extraneous conveyance predilection.

Neglect can exceed naked aggression in lost lives and ruined property. Amidst government confusion an ammonium nitrate stockpile blasted Beirut, cost billions, and killed hundreds. If you don’t exert yourself physically off and on your job, hydrate religiously, monitor conditions, and rest judiciously, your bag of bones, flab and fluids atrophies into a sickly blob and heart explodes. A cycled half century under 90° loads becomes nearly impossible for any coasting and panting slob. Global warming increasingly confines jaunts to early morning’s same old haunts. Leaves lots of air conditioned hours to address exploratory taunts.

Swedish experimental short film Hämta en cykel [To Fetch a Bike] (Roy Andersson, dir., 1968) stars a morose Monica Löf and pensive Pierre Bené. They wake early after having slept together. Following a minimal breakfast they get his bicycle stored in the attic above his brother’s cold water flat and part ways. He has to get to work, so she saunters off into an existential vacuum of meaningless modernity.

Twenty years later for Icarus Films young Scot actress Tilda Swinton exclusively by bike toured West Berlin’s border alongside its infamous Wall, documented in half hour short Cycling the Frame (Cynthia Beatt, dir., 1988). Goal was to experience poetically its psychogeography. On film’s twentieth anniversary, after Swinton had already won an Academy Award, they decided to team again to retrace this 162 km route where Wall, once graffiti laden yet hardly acknowledged as if a taboo topic, no longer exists, documented in The Invisible Frame (Cynthia Beatt, dir., 2009).

Bicycling trio Bean (Martin Delaney), Chip and Sumo are self proclaimed Peacekeepers, members of an exclusive club. Bean’s dad, science professor McNeil, aka Gadgetman (Jim Goddard, dir., 1996), is also an inventor, but his clever device gets him kidnapped by criminals, who want to use it for ATM robberies. Dad installed jet packs on Bean’s bike, which enable him to outride Cyber Rats bicycling gang and spring dad from captors. But Bean’s girlfriend Frankie and dozens of Cyber Rats create a diversion when McNeils need it most.

My Teacher’s Wife (Bruce Leddy, dir., 1999) is Vicky Mueller (Tia Carrere), whose abusive husband might recommend high school senior Todd Boomer (Jason London) for admission to Harvard University. Having an affair with her wasn’t at all advisable, wrecks his relationship with buddy Faber and girlfriend Kirsten, yet Todd rides his hybrid bike back to Vicky's studio for math tutoring and more as if a moth to a flame.

In a remake of H.G. Wells’ classic The Time Machine (Simon Wells, dir., 2002), Alex Hartdegen (Guy Pearce) hurtling forward into future stops briefly to reveal conditions in May of 2030. New Yorkers who aren’t flying in space cars are mostly bicycling and walking surface streets, except those who’ve begun adapting moon for underground condos. By 2037, after too aggressive tunneling, moon breaks up, which destroys earth’s surface, with bikes strewn haphazardly about burning wreckage. While time travel raises all sorts of physical impossibilities, it has been repeatedly linked with bicycling as a metaphor, such as going backwards to a simpler era. If you remain stationary in space-time, you’d drift off surface of earth as it rotated, planet continued to orbit sun, and sun orbit galactic center. Very accurate chronometers aboard space craft show that the faster you go, the more time slows. After a long journey an astronaut would be much younger upon return than her/his twin sibling, or even younger than offspring, if Einstein’s relativity, conceived while bicycling, is to be believed.

Twelve-year-old Ryan (Bryan Parkes) spending summer with astronomer dad Ned (Thomas Garner), doesn’t get any attention since dad was promoted. Ned compensates by buying Ryan a new bike. He meets three kids his age: Carlos (Wolf Bradley), Kyle (Graham Spillman), and Lisa (Callie Waterman). Kyle invites Ryan on a bike ride intending to embarrass him on a hilly course, so he avoids them and rides alone. When he comes home, pet retriever Jupiter is missing, nowhere to be seen. Resolving their differences to find lost pet, kids form Bike Squad (Richard Gabai, dir., 2005). Collecting evidence by bike, kids break case by following two bumbling dognappers (Michael Vaccaro and Michael Olifiers), who’ve sold Jupiter to Mr. Jackson (Michael McConnohie) for lab experiments.

Modern Indian Muslim girl living in San Francisco, Beena (Melanie Kannokada) is Bicycle Bride (Hassan Zee, dir., 2009). Struggling under thumb of a domineering mother, she hopes to overthrow old school tradition of arranged marriages. Seeing couples riding bikes, she recalls mom’s prohibition, “Bikes are for boys. Girls don’t ride bikes.” She literally bumps into a white Swedish bicyclist James (Andreas Wilson) from state college she longs to attend, who teaches her how to ride. She then sabotages every suitor visit her mother sets up, so they can live happily ever after riding through Golden Gate Park.

To middle class Scot debutante Emma Morley (Anne Hathaway, Academy and Golden Globe Award winner), rich playboy Dexter Mayhew (Jim Sturgess) quotes a proverb involving 9th Century Bishop of Winchester, “St. Swithun's day [July 15th], if thou dost rain, for forty days it will remain.” One Day (Lone Scherfig, dir., 2011) covers 18 years of these feast days that they spend apart or together. Too bad she doesn’t love bicycling comedian Ian (Rafe Spall) the needy slob with whom she lives. After finally ending up happy with Dexter, Emma on her bike exiting an alley is fatally t-boned by a London bus on a rainy July 15th in 2006. Dexter’s in for rough emotional weather, as are all characters in Dogme 95 productions in which Scherfig indulges.

Micro-documentary from Malmö, Skåne County, covers women entrepreneurs who invent The Invisible Bicycle Helmet (Carl Fredrik von Gertten, dir., 2012). Device, worn like a collar, inflates like a car air bag. But is it practical? Skåne is replete with thousands of bicycling routes among nearly half a million kilometers of dedicated lanes, fine ways to segregate cyclists from motorists during short Swedish summer, but to reach a destination roads must still be shared. Seems a crime E20 Öresundsbron to Copenhagen doesn’t allow bicycles, but a segment of Europe’s longest span for both motor vehicles and trains is submerged, so hard to see how that would work. Passenger train allows bikes for a fee, and supposedly there’s a seasonal bike ferry.

Set in 1993, 20 years before date of film’s release, The To Do List (Maggie Carey, dir., 2013) is what high school valedictorian Brandy (Aubrey Plaza) compiles as pre-college chores designed to catch up with missed fun and to ditch her perfect image. Being so organized was how she rose to top of her class. Biking through the Big Bun takeout lane wasn’t an item among them. With Aubrey’s awkward and cringeworthy persona, got to expect an R rated chuckle fest. What a delight she is!

Not to be confused with Adventure Boyz reviewed below, The Adventure Club (Geoff Anderson, dir., 2017) consists of 3 school kids - Bill (Jakob Davies), Ricky (Sam Ashe Arnold) and Sandy (Dalila Bela) - who bike around suburban Regina, Saskatchewan so much that without bikes there’d be no story. Ricky’s mom Jane Young (Gabrielle Miller) runs a science museum founded by her father, an archeologist in the mold of Indiana Jones and reputed recoverer of lost mystical objects. Ricky, eager for excitement, discovers a key and map to what he thinks might be a hidden treasure. It turns out to be an ancient wishbox, which grants a holder who’s “pure of heart” 3 wishes. Ricky hopes to save his family’s museum, but there are those who'll stop at nothing to have this box, in fact, enlist a rival gang of cycling kids to steal it. As these family movies go, this one has decent production values.

Adopted Detroit teen Eli Solinski (Myles Truitt) bikes to scavenge copper wire from abandoned buildings, where he finds a powerful alien weapon. Using it to protect his ex-con brother Jimmy (Jack Reynor) from villain Taylor (James Franco) triggers a signal to its owners, his actual birth KIN (John and Jonathan Baker, dirs, 2018) from another world. Mayhem ensues. Not even an edgy score composed and performed by old friends Mogwai could raise critical acceptance and ticket sales.

Teen son James (Lucius Hoyos) of Phat Tire bike shop manager Randy Nash (Tyler Christopher) finds lovable, one foot tall robot F.R.E.D.I. (Sean Olsen, dir., 2018) in a back pack while hiking in woods near his Bentonville, Arkansas home. He wants to keep this Future Robotics Engineered Design Innovation for an artificial intelligence pet, like E.T., but has an impeding move to Tucson and school science project to complete. Corporate security agents are desperately searching for this robot, programmed to analyze and avert safety hazards through telekinetic capabilities, before its power cell explodes and incinerates everything within village. Gang of kids on bikes lead gasping agents on bikes on a merry chase after they tase dad, who wouldn’t cooperate with questioning as to son's whereabouts. Why they abandoned SUV makes little sense. Teens return robot to Dr Palmer (Kelly Hu) who wants to keep its technology from being used as a weapon.

Emulating motorcycle racer dad Mike Harris (Howard J. Ford, dir. and star), towhead Adventure Boyz (2019) Jake and Sam (Felix and Rory Ford) tear about on their BMXs after dad gets framed and jailed for stealing diamonds. Ability to read lips aids their search for evidence to clear him. Capacity for eluding capture comes from biking around neighborhoods and vicinity which dad had urged instead of spending so much time playing virtual games on electronic devices. One must take physical risks to thrive; bicycling in particular nicely serves that prescription. Such films portray doltish adults schooled by schoolboys. Given so many supposed grown ups act as if emotional infants, including some in highest office, soothes to hope next generation may somehow evolve.

Tall Girl (Nzingha Stewart, dir., 2019) protagonist Jodi (Ava Michelle) is a teenager whose 6 foot plus height makes her insecure and self conscious at Ruby Bridges High School in New Orleans. Dunkleman (Griffin Gluck), a student in her class who always carries a crate, asks her repeatedly for a date, but she declines any request from suitors too familiar or short. Tall Swedish exchange student Stig arrives to stay with Dunkleman, but Jodi's nemesis Kimmy (Clara Wilsey) tries to lure Stig away when she assumes Jodi would be interested in him. Still chasing Jodi in vain, Dunkleman on his bike collides head over heels with a parked car.