Who’s Jermaine?

Mr. Jackbunny, who claims it’s his fixation, put together this Youtube video with 24 cycling snippets from feature films, 18 not previously listed in B&C. A cordial kudos is in order. His inspiration was slow moving drama Barbara (Christian Petzold, dir., 2012). East German doctor (Nina Hoss), who in 1980 asks for an exit visa to be allowed to emigrate West, gets punished by assignment to a small village hospital, where she is both seduced and spied upon by a fellow pediatrician (Ronald Zehrfeld). Tensions mount as she is monitored, restricted, strip searched, and tormented as a persistent suspect, though she indeed plans to flee and meet her fiancé, who has given her enough cash to pay a coyote. She fixes up a bicycle to commute alone, elude totalitarian oversight, and make dash to extraction point. But freedoms demand sacrifices from someone.

For Labann, collecting references is more an avenue to awareness and entry to myriad ideas and new perspectives. Any handle is better than none in an input maelstrom. Deceptive or honest notwithstanding, motion pictures are marvelous mirrors of contemporary culture. Merely citing a movie is never enough; goal is to explain its relevance without spoiler alerts. Critics must decide how much bicycling a movie includes to merit mention. Although some might complain that Labann has few filters, do often skip when bikes aren’t germane to story, just passers-by riding or school kids locking onto a rack. Always try to find peak or unique recommendations, pass up films that don’t hint bicycling will be portrayed, and review any that do, though that often leads to dead ends and disappointments. Lists can be interim wasters or multiverse portals. Therefore, feel exceptionally compelled with no excuses to add explanations to Jackbunny’s extraordinary list of new examples along with others recently exhumed.

In teen feature The Karate Kid (John Avildsen, 1984), Ralph Macchio gets knocked off his Mongoose 24 by dirt bike bullies and swears to learn martial arts and protect himself after tossing crumpled bike into a dumpster. He’s overheard by aged sensei Noriyuki Morita, who offers to teach him. First lesson: Wax on, wax off. A black belt requires muscle memory, skill, and strength as would be gained through basic chores and cycling tours.

Back to the Future trilogy (Roger Zemeckis, 1984 - 1990) has several scenes that show bicyclists including peeping tom dad in Part I, and in Part II crazy inventor Christopher Lloyd trying to catch up with Michael J. Fox to whom he lent his car. Time travel films can spotlight just about anything, so squeals on wheels should be expected. Easy to offer a thrilling sensation by tracking cranking action from offscreen vehicles.

The Lost Boys (Joel Schumacher, dir.,1987) reveals a Santa Clara victimized by a gang of vampires. Won’t see any riding bicycles, but they do race around on motorcycles. It’s their teen hunter-slayers who ride in a BMX pack.

Cinema of Unease (Neill & Rymer, 1995) is the oddly named memoir of noted screen actor Sam Neill (Jurassic Park), who every week in boring Christchurch, New Zealand would pedal with zeal to local cinema, thus wheel to reel, fall lifelong in love with movie field for real.

Father and daughter John and Michelle Porter (Michael Gross and Hillary Swank, Academy Award Best Actress) return to his home town to settle affairs of his late mother. Collecting boxes at recycling center he see a kid’s bike and recalls when in childhood when he and his friend followed sister to a cave on their bikes, where demons killed her in a satanic ceremony. He electrocuted them, but Sometimes They Come Back... Again (Adam Grossman, dir., 1996). So he’s forced to finish task or lose lives of both daughter and self to their ongoing treachery. Grieving survivors have emotional issues to process. Britney Spears has been using a bicycle to find “me time” and reduce stress over her dad’s nearly fatal illness.

Teen son Drew (Tim Redwine) of Augmentor 1000’s inventor (Randy Quaid) and his posse enlist car thief Samantha (Jessica Alba, Dark Angel, Fantastic Four) and form P.U.N.K.S. (Sean McNamara, dir., 1999) to Protect the Underdog with Nerve, Knowledge and Strength and save his dad, who’s being exploited and literally worked to death by a corporate villain (Henry Winkler). Once Samantha helps them get suit that multiplies human strengths, Drew on his BMX activates device and outruns henchmen in an SUV on expressway. Target audience of teens probably don’t know that BMX’s can’t reach such speeds no matter who pedals them, though road bikes properly geared might, yet seldom outrun swag wagons driven dangerously behind.

Cocaine distributor Daniel Craig (James Bond) sorts through the Layer Cake (Matthew Vaughn, dir., 2004) of London underworld hierarchy rife with double dealing criminals. While setting up for a hit, his hired assassin homes in on an innocent bicyclist to decide best location to shoot from when time comes.

Turtles Can Fly (Bahman Ghobadi, dir., 2005) in war torn Iraq during Dubya’s Desert Shield. A smart teen bicyclist nicknamed Satellite (Soran Ebrahim) commands a ragtag army of starving Kurdish children to do whatever they must to subsist, including dodging land mines, rearranging television antennae, searching for a satellite dish to receive vital news, and unloading spent munitions from trucks. When his teenage girlfriend’s rape baby wanders into a minefield, he sacrifices area's only bike in an attempt to save him. Camp is thick with despair, especially after US forces pass through ignoring refugees on their way to debatable victory and wrong side of history.

Back in spoiled America, dimpled towhead Carol Lee (Ireland Rose Maddox) points to her holiday heart’s desire, a shiny new bike from Sears&Roebuck Catalog. Depression era want, WWII’s Day of Infamy, and worries over metal shortages conspire against it. Dad (Jace McLean) gives up trying to find one among downtown stores. Disappointment on her cherubic face is tear jerking, “Do letters to Santa get lost?” Then Santa’s little helper, lost mutt Mr. Christmas (Beth Brickell, dir., 2005), wanders off street into their lives. Will cost more than the $23.95 bicycle, only $3.00 down, but kids are content for the moment.

Director’s memoir of growing up on mean Queens streets purports to be A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints (Dito Monteil, dir., 2006). Dito (Shia LaBeouf, Transformers), his dad (Chazz Palminteri), mom (Dianne Wiest, numerous major awards), and friends all lamely follow Antonio (Channing Tatum), an abused kid who grows up into a charismatic monster. Dito, who plans to go to California for a better life, finally splits after Antonio kills a couple of people, including, unintentionally, his own brother. Adult author Dito (Robert Downey Jr.) returns home to regret such influences and tend to family he left behind. Apart from a few incidental bicycles, can’t say why this bore inclusion.

Hot Fuzz (Edgar Wright, 2007) describes police constable Simon Pegg, who takes two fisted pistol fire from an angry schoolmarm on a bicycle. His partner Nick Frost doors her to squelch threat. Film allegedly introduces phrase, “OK, boomer,” but can’t be faulted for thousands of mindless repeats. According to this Outside article, 185,000 bicycles are stolen every year in USA alone. Makes you wonder who wants to defund police forces while such heinous criminality abounds.

Confusing, low budget, but luridly entertaining science fiction Timecrimes (Nacho Vigalondo, dir., 2007) has Héctor (Karra Elejalde) witnessing an odd occurrence across a field behind his isolated country home. Bicyclist Barbara Goenaga lures him into forest, where he gets stabbed trying to help her. Scientist Vigalondo had already sent Héctor back a few hours, which creates a paradox that he must resolve, so becomes his own assailant.

Con artists The Brother Bloom (Rian Johnson, dir., 2009) - Bloom Bloom (Adrien Brody) and Stephen Bloom (Mark Ruffalo) - target eccentric heiress Penelope (Rachel Weisz) for one last score by sending Bloom down a slope on a banana bike to fake an accident with Penelope’s sports car. Plan goes awry when he falls for her.

Spy spoof advises that you to Burn After Reading (Ethan & Joel Coen, 2008) memoirs of former CIA analyst John Malkovich. When disc falls into the hands of Brad Pitt and Frances McDormand, these two gym employees see a chance to make enough money for her to have life-changing cosmetic surgery. Yeah, good luck with that.

An Education (Lone Scherfig, dir., 2009) has a young woman seduced by a sophisticated man twice her age while they bike about Paris together. Rather than being repulsed and feeling used, she’s grateful for lessons she learns. Doesn’t sit well, more middle age fantasy, phony and wrong, unlike Nabokov’s Lolita.

For a span of 127 Hours (Danny Boyle, dir., 2010), adventurer, hiker, and mountain biker Aron Ralston (James Franco, Oscar Best Actor nominee) is literally caught between a rock and a hard place after falling into a crevice in Utah’s Canyonlands National Park. Having to drink own urine and extricate self by amputating arm seem cruel and unusual punishments for not letting anyone know where you’re going and testing your mettle against remote locations. Based on actual events, Aron learns to value every moment alive.

Teens ride bikes around Detriot contemplating The Myth of the American Sleepover (David Robert Mitchell, dir., 2010) and who to hook up with for a summer fling before going back to school. Girls including Claire Sloma just want to have fun. Or they could star in a feature film.

In romantic comedy Your Sister’s Sister (Lynn Shelton, dir., 2011), Mark Duplass abuses a ten speed, then sleeps with his deceased brother’s ex-girlfriend and her lesbian sister.

Only the Young (Elizabeth Mins & Jason Tippet, dirs., 2012), a mockumentary filmed in Santa Clarita, CA, a smalltime backwater without much to do, covers coming of age aspirations of bicycling and skateboarding buddies Garrison Saenz and Kevin Conway, and love interest Skye Elmore, as they drift into unproductive adulthood denied the American Dream. Didn’t Flobots sing, “I can ride my bike with no handlebars... it's good to be alive in such a small world.”

Superior Donuts comedian Jermaine Fowler (aka crossdressing Miss Mimi Teapot of Ru Paul’s Drag Race), Bike Between My Thighs (single, self, 2013): “I love my ride, good for exercise, cardiovascular, and my thighs. Plus it kills a lot of time. While you’re waiting for trains, I’m running through stop signs... I got robbed.” Is this a short sitcom or new musical entry?

A remarkable 2015 tourism ad for Destination Gstaad focuses solely on road cycling at this Swiss Alps ski resort town. What else is there to do when there’s no snow half of each year?

Super salesman Tom Hanks temporarily relocates to Saudi Arabia to demo A Hologram for the King (Tom Tykwer, dir., 2016), the next step beyond video conferencing. Efforts are hamstrung with broken promises and official postponements, so frustrations arise as well as opportunities to take in local culture. He’s reminded of being on the board of directors of USA based Schwinn, and having to tell 900 employees that all operations would be transferred to China, so they were all being laid off. Chinese went on to copy bike build technologies and manufacture several brands so cheaply they eliminated competitors. Unchecked greed will never be a good thing. He loses hologram contract to Chinese competitors. After Americans sold China biological techniques and viruses, they were saddled with a bioengineered pandemic and more joblessness. Offshoring to capitalize on slave labor invites unforeseen consequences. And bicycling culture must include brands and workers whose livelihoods depend upon policy makers, promoters and purchasers. 

Economic decline in Bavarian town of Wackersdorf (Oliver Haffner, dir., 2019) in 1980 threatens re-election bid for socialist county commissioner Hans Schuierer (Johannes Zeiler). Plans to build a nuclear plant amidst its played out mines sound like a mutual godsend. Buoyed by news, he leads his cigarette smoking, old Master+ Red cycling team through pristine countryside. But he begins to notice how forcibly state mutes criticism and suppresses dissent, likens it to Gestapo tactics. Expressing doubt and supporting resistance, he’s threatened further and winds up cycling alone as former friends forsake him. Being isolated and ostracized are what men of conscience should expect. Doesn’t take a genius to do what’s right, then Chernobyl occurs and makes you look like one. Based on actual events, won’t be the first or last time liberal partisans had to fight neocon nazis and their greedy tactics. But Wackersdorfers who bowed to intimidation warn world how easy it is to shut up and simply let the wealthiest few steal your future.

Doctor Sleep (Mike Flanagan, dir., 2019) couldn’t help but recreate tricycling scene from The Shining (Stanley Kubrick, dir., 1980), where young Dave, rolling manically along halls of haunted Overlook Hotel, runs across ghastly twins girls who aren’t supposed to be there. Indoor cycling isn’t new, considering enclosed velodromes and fin de siécle venues, but you seldom hear much of it lately other than spin classes awaiting reopening as new COVID cases set record daily numbers and smart cyclists hit roads and wear masks.

Protease Antipain

In the few centuries since bacteria and viruses were known to cause diseases, zoonotic epidemics have become linked with animals, some used as food: Cholera from any animal feces, influenza from chicken and pigs, plague and typhus from bats, cats, opossums and rats, salmonella from all poultry, smallpox (killed 500 million people over 12,000 years) and tuberculosis from cows. Mosquito bites transfer Chikungunya, West Nile and Zika viruses, dengue fever, and malaria among humans. Pandemic incites health concerns; people gravitate to whatever they think improves immunity, including bicycling. A  plethora of ills and potential for death await those who don't proceed with care.

To fight Hepatitis C, HIV, and retroviruses, they’ve developed several antipain drugs around protease inhibitors which have extended patients’ lives up to 60%. Some of these compounds are found in common foodstuffs: Apple, banana, cabbage, legumes such as soybeans, potatoes, seeds, spinach, some herbs and spices, tomatoes, what’s generally identified as ingredients of a healthy diet, and whole wheat. A couple of almonds every day are supposed to preclude cancer. Is relying on food quackery or will dripping elderberry syrup into your tea actually prevent contagion or provide a remedy? You are what you eat, it’s said; food is fuel, and inner chemistry enables mental focus and rational stability. Too little Vitamin D you get for free from sunshine causes depression. Niacin deficiency can cause psychoses. Sugar and white flour increase incidence of diabetes. A human body completely replaces itself every 7 years or so, some parts more quickly, versus brain cells irrevocably lost along with memories and spirit, which can be a source of serious distress. To forget and forgive might relieve your stress.

When three friends - played in childhood by Christina Ricci, Gaby Hoffmann and Thora Birch - reconnect in 1991 to help Ashley Aston Moore through end of her first pregnancy, they compare Now and Then (Lesli Linka Glatter, dir., 1995), their coming-of-age summer. During big bike boom of 1970, all kids on camera have one that they ride incessantly around otherwise empty suburban streets. Gaby attempts to retrieve a bracelet from a storm drain but gets trapped as water rises. Walter Sparrow, whose reclusive character only comes out at night to ride his bike, rescues her. Adult perspectives allow them to reconcile. Critics knocked film as a girly version of Stand By Me, though it has become an admired cult classic.

Television series Mystery Science Theater 3000, Season 8, Episode 21 (1997) was a roast of movie Time Chasers (David Giancola, dir., 1994). Crow (Bill Corbett) complains, "Come on, this can't be the hero of the film. He has a geeky ten speed bicycle. He should have at least have a cool burnt orange Stingray. This can't be the star. Maybe he's going into the house to meet the real hero." In one scene cyclist/inventor/protagonist Matthew Bruch carjacks a Yugo, crashes it into a rack of bikes, flips car over, pardons himself saying to owner, "I don't drive," then steals a bike to continue his flight from corporate goons chasing him. Duly listed in B&C's appendix, took until today's cable streaming to actually watch this low budget turkey.

You must count health among gifts you have to apply to retain. Rigorous exercise boosts mood, builds stamina, and buoys libido. Everything that Lila Says (Ziad Doueiri, dir., 2004) bubbles up from an abundance of hormones, apex of imagination, and avid self propulsion. After moving in with her aunt in the Arab ghetto and throughout story sweet sixteen Lila (Vahina Giocante) in a short skirt rides her moped around contemporary Marseilles like a pro to tease young men. Story narrator Chimo (Mohammed Khouas) falls for her simulation of smoldering sophistication, and she his kind sincerity. There’s a long scene of a heavy petting balanced aboard her rolling bike. Chimo’s fickle friends sexually harass her, and jealous pack leader rapes her, proving she was a virgin after all her worldly words. Heartbroken, Lila moves to Poland, and Chimo plans to follow, but writing this story earns him a scholarship to an exclusive Paris school.

A lonely elephant escapes zoo captivity through an abandoned Santander bike-share unit, a London Underground subway ride, then a purchased unicycle to home on Serengeti Plain in Paradise, Coldplay’s 2011 hit. "When she was just a girl she expected the world, but it flew away from her reach... Life goes on, it gets so heavy. The wheel breaks the butterfly, every tear a waterfall. In the night, the stormy night, away she'd fly and dream of paradise." You can say you saw everything once you see an elephant fly.

Very Good Girls (Naomi Foner, dir., 2013) Gerri (Elizabeth Olsen) and Lily (Dakota Fanning) take trains from Flatbush enclave to Brighton Beach to meet up and skinny dip. Then they ride their bicycles along sea strand. Later they talk of divesting themselves of the vexation of virginity before going off to college at summer’s end. Gerri collides with an ice cream truck manned by David (Boyd Holbrook) and starts flirting. David is really an artist who takes photographs and turns them into posters he pastes all over New York City. When Lily sees one that shows her bicycling from behind, she returns to ice cream cart and starts an affair with David. Gerri gets jealous, and tries to seduce David after her dad dies. This threatens her friendship with Lily.

Life goes haywire for newlywed GenXers Alice and John Macy (Juno Temple and Michael Angararo) when Alice swipes The Brass Teapot (Ramaa Mosley, dir., 2013) from an antique shop owned by an aged Nazi concentration camp survivor. Since ancient times, the teapot was coveted and stolen by generals, genocidal maniacs, heads of state, and history’s most infamous villains, including Hitler. All exploited its one magical property: treasure commensurate with the degree of pain or suffering. emotional or physical, holder personally experiences or witnesses. In this social allegory on greedy effects and mental defects, the Macys are nonentities. John commutes by bike to a dead end telemarketing job. Unemployed recent grad Alice takes their beater Pinto to her consecutive unsuccessful interviews. When she accidentally burns herself, teapot belches out a couple of Benjamins, seemingly a godsend for a couple struggling to make ends meet. But there’s a curse, of course.

After successful Afghan ops together, soldier Robbie Arnell, handler for USMC Malinois dog Max (Boaz Yakin, dir., 2015), advances into a Taliban held position to protect injured dog, but gets gunned down doing so. His teenage brother Josh Wiggins, who sells illegally copied video games, winds up with surviving hero, who’s talent is sniffing out munition caches. They embark on a series of adventures together in which dog teaches boy the bad pay and bitter fruit of crime.

The Intergalactic Council of Superior Beings (voices of John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, and Terry Jones) intercepts Voyager II, then convenes as judge and jury to try Earth for destruction or inclusion, not that they’ve ever chosen the latter. Procedure means randomly selecting a sole individual, very nearly settling upon Sarah Palin, to have power to do Absolutely Anything (Terry Jones, dir., 2015). Nope, it’s bicycling nerd, school teacher, and small man Neil (Simon Pegg). Neil just wants to not get run over by a van, which tacos his wheel causing him to be late again, survive another day among his unruly students, and woo lovely neighbor Catherine (Kate Beckinsale), who hardly knows he exists. Discovering his powers, then doing selfish or stupid things with them, including making his dog Dennis (Robin Williams, posthumously, in final film role) talk and think like a human, are enough to convince him to transfer his powers to Dennis, which averts global catastrophe at the final moment. Anyone but a bicyclist would have done worse.

The Brothers Grimsby (Louis Leterrier, dir., 2016), orphaned and separated as children, reunite and retreat to their Lincolnshire home town, where juvenile delinquents on bikes roam litter laden, traffic free streets devoid of industry. Nobody dad of eleven kids Nobby (Sacha Baron Cohen), a demented soccer hooligan who works the dole system with devoted girlfriend Rebel Wilson, and secret agent Sebastian (Mark Strong), falsely accused of going rogue, fight through adversaries on both sides to prevent terrorist Penelope Cruz from killing billions of poor people. Despite disgusting scenes and slapstick antics, these heroes save the day, and noted bike hater Donald Trump dies of AIDS along the way. Hurray!

Cultural artifacts related to bicycling are forever emerging, so it's hard to keep up chore of cataloging. One can query many search engines to find references to bicycling, but results relate not to culture primarily but to racing, as if life is nought but a Darwinian contest you cannot escape and must lose. Aggravating. Aussie filmmakers Eleanor Sharpe and Nickolas Bird document MAMIL (2018) regarding middle-aged weekend warriors clad in lyric who have “all the gear and no idea” what drives them from family and jobs into obsessed road lust. Maybe it’s just a chance to test self esteem against hand picked competitors for narcissistic dominance in land down under. Narrated by long time Tour reporter Phil Liggett, this string of sound bites purports to clarify.

Bedevil Antifain

Personal distancing requires continual judgements and heightened vigilance, neither of which occur when noses are stuck in smartphones. Besides obvious derelicts, panhandlers, slobs dressed in rags with stains, stumbling drunks, and those without masks fully covering mouths and noses, you'd be right to shun pet owners who play all day with feces and smokers swinging hand to face on a sneeze trapeze. At least you’re already avoiding coworkers who value paychecks over your wellbeing, family members, and other people’s kids. Do you even have to mention sick patients in doctors' offices? Together they probably account for most episodes of contagion. Virus may even exceed 2 meter perimeter by floating on smoke particles, but morons hanging a lit cigarette out a window in a crowded parking lot are not likely to be arrested for a hate crime or terrorist act. Most crime goes unchecked, unreported even. An informal count tallied half of people not wearing masks or taking them off unless right next to those infected, by then too late. You don't know when some careless "covidiot" is going to come around a corner or overtake you from behind. On Labann’s favorite holiday, those in total pandemic denial will gather for Independence Day festivities and line parade routes. Watch next week for the post holiday spike.

Meanwhile, it's well known that human bodies consist of a surprisingly sizable portion, cell count up to 57%, of extra-human microorganisms, including gut biota, outnumbering human cells 10:1, though, since microscopic, only 1 to 4% of body mass. This fact becomes the point of departure for short All These Creatures (Charles Williams, dir., 2018). Award winning actor Yared Scott narrates fictional story of his dad’s bedevilment by them and subsequent suicide. Teen peers and Yared invade empty houses and speculate how these squirming bugs will displace their identities and leave empty husks devoid of selves, their bikes without riders. Where do bugs begin and you end? Most folks can handle germs as long as their brains aren’t affected and immune systems still function. But repeated use of antibacterial cleansers and antibiotic medicines is bound to backlash, expose you to even more lethal disease, such as pneumonia and tuberculosis, and make novel influenza seem a minor inconvenience by comparison.

Human interest stories abound among billions of viewpoints upon which tens of thousands of films are based. Few are as poignant as what history’s quintessential sociopath, Adolph Hitler, did to Christians, Jews and Russians before defeated by global decency in 1945. The list of atrocities is too heartbreaking to enumerate, but his malignant tyranny extended to the smallest details of one’s life. “Our freedom was severely restricted by a series of anti-Jewish decrees: Jews were required to wear a yellow star... to turn in their bicycles... forbidden to use streetcars [and] ride in cars, even their own... I long to ride a bike, dance, whistle, look at the world, feel young and know that I’m free, and yet I can’t let it show.” Such simple pleasures were dreams for hopeful teen Anne Frank in 1943, before being interned in a concentration camp then dying in a typhus epidemic just a month before allied liberation at end of WWII. Toronto artist Jenn Woodall’s ANTIFAin image from zine Girls suggests that the freedom machine is today’s weapon to fight fascists and whoever else is intolerably mean.

Before starring in blockbuster hits like Jurassic Park, Sam Neill was the protagonist in New Zealand drama Sleeping Dogs (Roger Donaldson, dir.,1977). Nestled into a peaceful life on a small Maori island, he’s falsely accused and detained by fascist regime when local tensions flare up. After he escapes and finds a love interest, who he rides around on his bicycle, relentless monsters catch up with him. What else is new? Why all these repressions unless to preserve possessions and properties of those who already own too much? “It is a sin to be rich. You know that it's a low down shame to be poor. You know a rich man ain't got a chance to go to heaven, and a poor man got a hard way to go.” Samuel Lightnin’ Hopkins, written 50 years ago, recorded in 1972, tells it straight how it’s an endless struggle balancing on a tightrope, fulfilling moderate need without succumbing to greed.

“Do you have the time?” asks Jennifer Love Hewitt in If Only (Gil Junger, dir., 2004). It’s never how much time you’re given, but what you do with it. Magically given a second chance to cherish and relive his remaining day with her, Paul Nicholls makes them count. Motor accidents claim millions of lives. Both characters would have been better off riding one of the newly introduced mountain bikes they see on London streets two decades ago. Any Google search will show doe-eyed Client List star Hewitt on a pink lady bike with a basket. Wikipedia, however, lists less than 4 dozen bicycling related films, most of which B&C previously catalogued, but none of which are among 6 dozen Labann described in last several posts. As always with superficial research, can’t just count titles that refer, because you’ll miss other connections a hundredfold. B&C is all about bicycling’s ubiquity, proven through thousands of pages, yet 30 years later, still wondering where’s the love and why bicyclists still aren’t accommodated on streets.

Beto (César Troncoso) builds The Pope’s Toilet (Enrique Fernandez, dir., 2007) on cash stolen from his daughter’s college fund, because he’s anticipating charging use fees for tens of thousands of visitors expected for John Paul II’s stop in Melo, Uruguay, a poverty stricken northeast border town. Plot focuses on several transporters who subsist by arduously bringing goods from Brazil by bike with hopes of avoiding duties levied by corrupt customs officer Meleyo (Nelson Lence). Despite crossing frontier off road and wading though swamps, they frequently get caught and suffer losses. Meleyo later confiscates Beto’s bike, but that barely has any impact on this financial fiasco. Many townsfolk had same idea and invested in market booths, but few visitors show up and none buy anything, which leaves entire region worse off. Dramatized upon actual event, results demonstrate downside of proactive planning around power wielded capriciously.

Vivian Bang plays a naturalized Korean performance artist in White Rabbit (Daryl Wein, dir., 2018). She bicycles throughout contemporary Los Angeles, plants herself in parks and supermarkets, and spouts amplified monologues on Asian-Black tensions during 1992 riots, which had resulted in massive losses stoked by exaggerated news. Her sister asks, “Is it self indulgent to be, like, ‘Okay, I can be an artist today,’ when world’s, like, going crazy?” She replies, “I have to make stuff. If I don’t find a way to express myself, like, I’ll go insane.” Art expression becomes life experience when black fashion model Nana Ghana locks her bike to Vivian’s and messes up important business. They later meet under better circumstances and spend several days together. Vivian lets her lesbian lust for Nana get the better of her before learning to let go.

Judith Davis, who directs and stars in this 2018 French comedy, asks Whatever Happened to My Revolution? Her radical character fights for space to ride a socialist Vélib’ on busy Paris cobblestones to work, but goes by bus after being sacked by her merely liberal bosses. “We have no right to judge people. It’s uninteresting and counterproductive...” Storyline addresses millennial angst and moral judo, but she settles, like everyone these days, for a love interest that fulfills basic needs. Revolution begins and ends as an inner quest. 

Set in 1985 Columbia, Rolling Elvis (Gustavo Torres Gil, dir., 2020), pudgy preteen Julián Andres Salcedo Rodriguez, awakes hoping to skip school and view Tour de France on television, dreams of becoming a professional racer like countryman Luis “El jardinerito” Herrera, sneaks into video room instead of attending assigned class, but suffers embarrassment of combative paternal chastisements and punitive maternal inducements to participate in a talent show. Parents fighting over his fate, he dashes off on his BMX, gets Elvis costume caught, and goes head over heels, winding up a paraplegic. In hospital at least he can watch Tour coverage. Mom (Maria Dalmazzo), a big fan of The King, has entertainer aspirations for son, and hots for a handyman installing a handicap ramp. Portrayal of dad’s homophobia and hypocrisy seem to be handled ham-handedly for a PG-rated after school special. Helped by local kids, who build him an ad hoc hand-cycle, he rides until he can again use his legs a year later.

Tykes Unslain?

Reading synopses and skipping through film after film have uncovered fewer instances of bicycling culture than one might figure given ubiquity of bikes. You’d think but would be wrong that they’d appear more in Chinese or Indian movies. Costume dramas set earlier than two centuries ago shouldn’t show any. Action heroes increasingly rely on advanced technologies and jet propulsion. Pricey transportation choices don’t sell themselves, only occur as a result of conditioned delusions. Directors will never guarantee expressive quality since criteria are steeped in subjectivity. Face it, most scripts feature juvenile ideas, nightmarish fears, product placements, or silly plots. Filmmakers compile scenes about anything, just roll dice in hopes investment pays off. Big budget don’t necessarily produce blockbusters. Jewels are rare by definition. Movie time resembles what bicyclists mentally do while they ply every byway: Pay attention to approaching pavement, plan next ride segment, use quiet between meditating, noticing scenery, and reflecting on whatever one encounters directly or vicariously in any given moment.

Wide eyed Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) dances through cult horror classic Suspiria (Dario Argento, dir., 1977). If only that girl’s bike parked out front wasn’t removed, she could ride into town to escape witch coven that poses as a ballet school. As Professor Milius (Rudolf Schündler) explains, “[Witches] are malefic, negative and destructive... They can change the course of events, and people’s lives, but only to do harm... Their goal is to accumulate great personal wealth, but that can only be achieved by injury to others. They can cause suffering, sickness, and even the death of those who, for whatever reason, have offended them.“ Sounds like what poses as government these days. Greedy and needy, you waste treasures at your own jeopardy. Oddly, in recent remake Suzy walks past a group of liberating bicycles with no thought to ride away and save herself. Jump on and just go, girl!

Television series Pacific Blue (1996 - 2000) was yet another law and order drama. It covered daily dealings of Santa Monica’s elite bicycle squad. Season 1, Episode 3 stunt riders tackled nazi aggressors, nudist protestors, and wall desecrators. Likely it was canceled because it there’s only so much mileage you can get from a bikini clad bimbo and Muscle Beach bravado, although popular competing show Baywatch flexed and jiggled for 12 seasons. Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz who played city’s mayor was the only well known cast member.

A gang of tykes on bikes get embroiled in A Christmas Tale (Paco Plaza, dir., 2005), more like a low budget Spanish Goonies adventure. Hanging at and zooming around an amusement park that’s closed and for sale, they find a woman in a Santa suit, who fell down a well. For foolish reasons they decide to feed her but refuse to help her escape, later suspect she stole $2 million pesetas (less than $14,000 before Euros took over) according to news broadcasts. Once out, she tries to kill them all, only they pull Home Alone tactics, which result in her being decisively impaled but still a deadly threat.

Delusional author Mike O'Connell, when informed by his doctor he'll die of a grave, vague disease before end of next day, immediately implements The Living Wake (Sol Tryon, dir., 2007), so he can enjoy every minute of living, including grief of those bereaved. Considering himself on par with literary great Samuel Johnson, he has his own Boswell in manservant Jesse Eisenberg, who records every moment. Means limited by lack of cash, they embark on a full day itinerary with Eisenberg pedaling O'Connell throughout on a cycle rickshaw.

Protektor (Marek Najbrt, dir., 2009) set in 1942 Prague has Marek Daniel as a respected reporter who collaborates with Nazi invaders in order to defend Jewish movie star wife Jana Plodkova. Antisemitic enemies get the movie his wife bikes and stars in banned. Secretly he’s with antifascist resistance; when he attempts to assassinate Reich’s Deputy Protektor, photo evidence of a bicycle emerges to implicate him. Though couple go to lengths to hide it, bike proves to be their undoing.

Hesher (Spencer Susser, dir., 2011) opens with school kid TJ (Devin Brochu) on a BMX with a duct-taped seat chasing a tow truck and t-boning a car. Accident prone, his arm is already in a cast. Nicole (Academy Best Actress Natalie Portman) protects TJ when bully Dustin, who thinks TJ tagged his sports car, chases, doors, and smacks TJ down. Foul mouthed, mentally unstable, metal head squatter Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), who really vandalized car to punish TJ, witnesses further bullying, won’t interfere on boy’s behalf, but would later incinerate Dustin’s car and let TJ take blame. Police are unable to make charges against the boy stick without evidence. Hesher brings Nicole and TJ to a vacant home for sale, goes on a destructive rampage, hurls patio furniture and rides another bike into pool, then sets diving board on fire. Adults repeatedly disappoint this traumatized kid, who has lost in rapid succession his mother, grandmother, and innocence.

Daydream Nation (Mike Goldbach, dir., 2011) describes hopes youth have during systemic decline. Some just find cheap ways to dull ire and get high. Residents of a small town worry over smog from a continual industrial fire, so wear masks whenever they ride bikes, and a serial murderer killing cheerleaders, so pair up whenever outside. Wiseacre teen Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls) safely bikes solo, but occasionally drives a Volvo, whereupon she collides with killer, so does town a favor pro bono.

She sums up society’s turmoil, “People will tell you that nothing matters, the whole world is about to end soon, but... Things don’t need to last forever to be perfect.” This pandemic too will pass, later if not sooner. And, as the late Gill Scott Heron warned, “The revolution will not be televised... reruns... will be live,” gestures supplanted by active changes.

World class geneticist William Blakely (Conal Byrne) takes home his research and sets into motion The Reconstruction of William Zero (Dan Bush, dir., 2014). He’s haunted by a fatal accident when motoring home and mowing down his own 6 year old son just after he taught him to ride a bike and told him to pedal on street outside. He consequently separates from bereaved wife Amy Seimetz, then, in order to disappear and escape grief, creates a clone of himself into whom he dumps all his memories. William Two hatches an evil plot to further clone himself and kill anyone who opposes plans, including nosy neighbor Scott Poythress, shown. William Three, aware he won’t live long, kills William Two, reconciles with unsuspecting wife, then transfers renewed relationship to William Zero. Although complete and complex fiction where nobody really died, every day motorists slay tykes, tyros and vets. By now, practically everyone has been inured against feeling complicit.

The Strongest Man (Kenny Riches, dir., 2015), Cuban immigrant Beef (Robert Lorie) and his Korean buddy Conan (Paul Chamberlain, l to r) are construction laborers in Miami. Beef doesn’t drive, loves his gold plated BMX bicycle upon which he can do impressive tricks, but it gets stolen. Conan feels responsible so helps him look for it downtown, which turns dicey after dark. Meanwhile, an existential Beauty and the Beef affair evolves with neighbor’s niece. Plagued with insecurities, Beef wisely testifies, “Sometimes I get anxious... Then I worry about feeling sick. I start worrying about germs, and doorknobs and hands... and humans, and filth, and public restrooms... about getting old... and going to die soon. There’s nothing you can do. Then you die,” prophetically given current events. Labann figures that biking 10 miles a day, or covering full or half century rides weekly, and still being able to lift bike onto its storage hooks provides evidence of one’s vitality and validates clean living and superficial scars through decade seven.

To the Moon (Emma Thatcher, dir., 2015) sent eighteen bicycling activists from San Francisco, CA to Amherst, MA through 15 northerly states, and took its title from an H.D. Thoreau quote about fresh-faced optimism. CoCycle hoped to raise awareness for United Nations’ 2011 International Year of the Cooperative, a socially just, sustainable business model. Such cross continental treks have held appeal for restless youth ever since Kerouac’s On The Road, and nation’s highways that facilitate roadie riding with sag support. Nice not having to pitch own tent and ride with panniers. Nicer sponging snacks off coops they visited along the way. All could hardly believe completing fourscore successive metric centuries to finish in less than 3 months.

2020: Fallen Earth (Joshua Land, dir., 2019) predicts a post Peak Oil shortage that decimates humanity. Ten years later, teenage lead Mitch Holson, who bikes across opening titles, hikes across a barren landscape in search of his estranged uncle’s farm to escape brutality of scavenger mentality. As a species, mankind doesn’t need a zombie uprising to witness apocalypse; desperation to preserve comforts and distribution inefficiency through loss of easy fossil fuels would drive anyone to savagery. Motorists are already impatient savages squabbling over lane space and right-of-way rules in place.

Booty Wolfsbane

Having exhausted joyride potential in a 50 mile radius from home, Labann has begun to consider driving to daytrip starts. Same old scenery suggests what’s alluring in countrysides, galling nearby to sensibilities, and going or staying wrong in cities, which then taints social media entries. Contentious talk among quarantined crazies turns to pandemic blowback and revolutionary resistance to solemn guidance once majority begins to act as if they’re exempt from disease; gives new meaning to phrase "gone viral”. Many more will be gone permanently if they lower their guard in even the least instance. Horrific things occur right after officials announce “all clear” and you relax vigilance, particularly when it comes to economy.

Already intuited that CARES Act would disproportionately help richest, because so-called representatives care a lot more about corporate campaign donors than hundreds of millions of hand-to-mouth constituents. While those who earn over $100,000/year don’t get a $1,200/person stimulus check, the wealthiest forty-three thousand will get on average $2.6 million in other benefits buried deep in small print, potentially $11.2 billion. Trillions in relief will also transfer to bankers, credit holders, insurers, tax coffers, and whatever obligations you can’t ignore. Covert intent was to make majority complicit in the biggest swindle in nation’s history. Few will see it this way, so tax cheats will get away with not having to pay. Did you expect something better than yesterday? Nobody much cares, settles without struggle, so nothing improves. “As we wage war on an invisible enemy... America will triumph yet again---and rise to new heights of greatness,” says Trump, though he and his pirate pals alone stand to plunder booty. Who’s really your worst adversary? How do you protect yourself? Which is worse, being starved or dodging bullets?

Things ignored eventually get noticed, including any pivotal but small bicycle appearance in films, another reason to pay closer attention. Cheerless biopic about Conan creator and pulp writer Robert E. Howard describes The Whole Wide World (Dan Ireland, dir., 1996) of early 20th Century wordsmiths. Media then mostly meant classroom lessons, neighborhood gossip and old wives’ tales. You had to bike down to drug store to find something actually entertaining, and sat on a curb devouring latest comic book, lurid magazine, or strange story anthology drinking a bottle of Nehi. A dearth of ideas can prove deadly, but what of too many? Alligient citizens ride today’s waves of business mergers, community neglect, criminal onslaughts, and uninvited door-to-door numbskulls who resent pandemic, so risk lives begging, cheating, proselytizing, and selling. You never have to answer door or phone, of course.

Things seem to be looking up for nearly illiterate teen Reese Witherspoon, seen riding happily on homeboy beau Bokeem Woodbine’s handlebars at high school, but usually that’s when bottom falls out. After crackhead mom and deviant stepdad go back to jail, just before fiancé gets gunned down in a drive-by shooting, she takes to the Freeway (Matthew Bright, dir., 1996) to grandmother’s place. Junker car breaks down, naturally, so she naïvely accepts a ride with big bad wolf Kiefer Sutherland, who reveals himself to be the serial murderer/rapist of trailer trash shown in news and sought by police. When she feistily fights back, bane to wolves who figure age and sophistication gives them an edge, mayhem ensues. Strong arguments are made for educating youth better and leaving none behind.

Based on actual events, everything is not Hunky Dory (Marc Evans, dir., 2011) for working class bicycling brothers Angus and Davy (Aneurin Barnard) in 1976 Wales, who get abused by classmates and conservative drunk of a father. In a tender moment dad imparts a lesson on fixing tube punctures. Angus berates Davy by insulting his flighty girlfriend: "Don't know why you bother. Stella. Everyone knows she's a school bike." Teacher Viv (Minnie Driver) tries against setbacks to stage an updated version of Shakespeare's Tempest using contemporary music from David Bowie (thus the title) and others.

There are tantalizing titles, such as dating angst flick Fish without a Bicycle (Brian Green, dir., 2003), that, as advertised, are devoid of bici-culture, hardly any outdoor scenes even. Then there are films specifically about cycling with titles that one might not pick up on. Speculative documentary King of Mont Ventoux (Fons Feyaerts, dir., 2013) pits reputations of five famous peloton stars - Bernard, Gárante, Merckx, Pantani, Virenque - to place one on a pedestal as sole champion of this Bald Giant of Provence and penultimate climb stage of Tour de France, using archival footage, contemporary interviews, and informed arguments. For it Nits produced an original soundtrack. Pity poster boy for illegal doping Lance Armstrong, who respectfully gave Pantani that stage win in 2000, arguably the best duel in Tour history,  wasn’t considered. John McCutcheon made Original Song about Lance Armstrong and Barack Obama, Peter Joseph Head & Pascal Babare penned Lance Armstrong (Mont Ventoux), and others composed 4 more about this scandalized Texan. Eddy “The Cannibal” Merckx has equally been honored in at least 6 songs and Marco “The Pirate” Pantani 14. Since, in 2016 and spectacular fashion, frontrunner Chris Froome was knocked down by a pileup caused by a motorcyclist and ran on foot sans bike before hopping on a teammate's to finish this stage.

In offbeat comedy 3.2.1 Frankie Go Boom (Jordan Roberts, dir., 2012), deadbeat druggie and wannabe director Chris O’Dowd tormented baby brother Charlie Hunnam with cringeworthy videos from child through adulthood. Charlie is guilted by mother into attending recovering sibling’s coming-out-of-rehab ceremony, after which jilted bicyclist Lizzy Caplan literally crashes into him. She is so desperate and drunk, they connect for a hesitant one-night stand. Chris makes yet another embarrassing video of their fumbling rendezvous that gets millions of internet hits, triggers a string of misadventures, and sells brother’s car without permission. Soon Charlie, like Lizzy, also has to ride a bike to get around.

Bike culture on full display over the course of one night, lean bike messenger Jenny Strubin, shown en route to an unsanctioned race on Chicago streets called The Alley Cat (Marie Ullrich, dir., 2013), struggles to deal with one loss after the next. Ex lover Tom Reigel crashes after cut off by a car and sustains a fatal injury, a pervert propositions then stalks her until she can elude him, then she visits her “niece” at dawn, though viewers suspect she gave up her daughter along with nearly everything else to pursue a cycling lifestyle.

Called on the carpet and told his office would be consolidated with another more distant, dour civil servant Eddie Marsan (director and star) volunteers to buy a bicycle to make commute possible. Instead sacked, he faces his final case for Client Services, where he arranges state funerals and investigates people who’ve died alone to bring some closure to estranged families, mostly without success. With bikes on a rack outside, he finally locates right fish & chip joint where last client last worked, so funeral for once consists of more bereaved than he alone in Still Life (2013). Dignity for dearly departed might be moot when multitudes die while trying to stay away from contagion. Many may see, but not all understand.

Katie Holmes plays mild mannered vigilante Miss Meadows (Karen Leigh Hopkins, dir., 2014), who gets bailed out by bicyclist pedophile recidivist Callan Mulvey when he tries to kill her with her own pistol, thus imparting fingerprints which link him to serial murders instead of her. She marries sheriff James Badge Dale, and lives happily ever after as a force for justice in a twisted world full of criminals who think avenging angels don’t exist and preying upon innocents will never be opposed. 

In a bizarre reversal of Miss Meadows, neocon London bicycling bobby Kevin Bishop asks, "May I Kill U?" (Stuart Urban, dir., 2014) before deciding whether criminals deserve to be executed on the spot. He wasn't always such a rogue enforcer; a vicious punk stuck a pipe into wheel of his Smith & Wesson cruiser [shown], he flipped over onto his head, then his migraines began to trigger traumatic responses. Police walk a tightrope between downfalling and upstanding, but given what scum they have to wrangle daily, it's difficult to agree that defunding solves anything. Authority and power do corrupt, but not automatically or necessarily; conscience and intelligence usually choose correctly in hot scenarios.   

In short The Gift (Gabriel Robertson, dir., 2015), eleven year old Elvis (Brady Permenter) goes into town with mom Gladys (Amye Gousset) to buy himself a birthday present from his modest savings. Though, “nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs,” mom’s resigned that it will be the dangerous bicycle which Forrest Bobo (Xander Berkeley) shows in hardware store’s front window, but youngster has changed his mind and rather have a rifle. Mom is horrified and refuses. Bobo persuades him to take a guitar instead. A true story, the Presleys return to their Tupelo, Mississippi farm, a real journey to rock and roll kingship begins, and the rest is history. According to recently discovered photos, Elvis got his first bike at age 13, just before moving to Memphis.

Another Men in Black moment occurs when immortal Henry Rollins begins to open up to waitress Kate Greenhouse about why He Never Died (Jason Krawczyk, dir., 2015). Bicyclists drift past in busy downtown backdrop as he lists all jobs he held during his millennia on Earth. But he fails to mention until later being named in the Bible (Adam’s wayward son Cain), defending the helpless, or working hard to kick his addiction to villain flesh.

Max & Leon (Jonathan Barré, dir., 2016) has comic stars David Marsais and Grégoire Ludig doing anything they can to avoid French military service during WWII, including disguising themselves as a bicycling priest and childish civilian. They probably wouldn’t have repelled Nazi invasion anyway. Luckily, allies stepped up to turn back fascists, though they never disappeared. After all hate speech Trump belched while on continual stump, no coincidence exist why cries of Antifa and Black Lives Matter persist. All lives matter, except bigots and idiots who’ve embraced evil as a lifestyle.

So, how do you navigate such Dark Waters (Todd Haynes, dir., 2019) really? In this legal thriller, attorney Mark Ruffalo, after years of defending questionable corporate practices, sues industry giant Dupont Chemical, who covered up company’s poisoning of seventy thousand West Virginians by dumping fluoropolymers into their drinking water. Hundreds of dead cows and rotting gums of local kids on bikes provides clear evidence that ultimately leads to nearly $1 billion in damages. Turns out, “Better Living Through Chemistry,” was no more than an unexamined slogan fraught with human casualties. Though devastating and disheartening, decades of toxins in low concentrations don’t kill nearly as quickly as viral bioweapons specifically engineered to wipe out entire populations.

Trailer for just released biopic King of Staten Island (Judd Apatow, dir., 2020) has nerdy antihero Pete Davidson debating a career opportunity as an NYC firefighter, since his firefighter dad was killed on duty. Bonding with this band of brothers in service to The Big Apple seems to include another nighttime group bike ride. Basic hook and ladder equipment includes a company helmet, Pete.