Vehentem Mane

This title would describe Dawn of Bicycling Culture if Latin wasn’t already a dead language centuries before its invention, whether from Leonardo da Vinci’s doodles, madcap draisiennes, or Michaudines. Morning rides on empty streets amidst misgiving and mystery mean swiftwalkers are reborn daily. Origins often blur and become obscure, while meanings intended by ancients and pioneers morph into whatever those who exploit them want.

From get-go, Bike&Chain weighed freedom of self expression against responsibilities to family, friends, lovers, and society. While bicycling, maintaining balance is essential, as in all aspects of living. Leaning into extremes, though increasingly popular, leads to toppling. So toned down rhetoric and touted authenticity of personal experiences and ethics of reporting sincerely from own memory.

Background earth tones (a Gerola multimedia panel) recall what outdoors used to look like: canopied side streets, cow paths across verdant fields, dark bowers among shrubs, home gardens exuding floral fragrances, and woods along neighborhood boundaries. Michaudine is a steel object d'art representing a distant cousin's invention that began first bike boom and paved way to safety bicycles. Pile of scruffy flipbooks from 1990’s full of compiled paragraphs and sentences written in black pen during stolen moments (before existence of smartphones, upon which you can now text yourself), validated evidence of an observational and revelatory process, were the origins of Bike&Chain. Organizing, typing, fact checking, establishing conventions for self consistency, and proofing were huge chores; then came embellishing text with further insights before laying out as a published 1,000 page millennium document eight years after Y2K.

In 1933, heyday of publishing books for profit, Enemies of Promise author Cyril Connolly concluded, “Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.” Surely there’s plenty of middle ground, such as being of service while meeting own needs in pursuit of facts to liberate self from delusions. Explains glut of self published books that gain no traction. Apathetic and lazy humans usually disregard jumble of influences over eons of existence that constitute any quote or slogan.

Mostly regret this thankless effort, though anything one does supposedly builds muscles. What else was there to do besides prostituting self for cash or submitting to slavery? Although chose a wildly expansive topic, felt bound to never oversimplify or even speak conventionally, so painted self into a panic corner. At best, spending thousands of days of one's life on a pointless quest is quixotic, if not totally deranged.

Earth Day, April 22, 2023, marks 53rd year of modern environmentalism urging you to take notice, how brown and gray have replaced blue and green. Every road now seems lined with cruddy litter, dead animals, and other organic debris; but manmade items most often seen are dead soldiers tossed indiscriminately: lager cans, libation containers, liquor nips, or the like. Biden versus bidon: One's an aged Peloton water carrier, other Italian for a beverage container. Can you do without either? Given sheer volume of drink debris, ever wonder just how drunk drivers are? Are you not what you swallow?

Peloton Pasta
Narrow Mostaccioli (tubes) and Rotelle (wheels) with Butternut Squash (chamois) Sauce: Mostaccioli mean mustaches, evoking vintage handlebars, though they’re angle cut resembling frame components, and you know what cyclists do with chamois cream. Serve with any green vegetable as a side dish (great outdoors). Totally vegetarian for Earth Day, this carte du jour feeds up to four.

Recipe Ingredients
1 cup dried Mostaccioli Pasta
1 cup dried Rotelle
1 fresh medium sized Butternut Squash
1 to 2 cups of Vegetable Broth, as needed
3 fresh Sage leaves or 1/2 tsp of dried
2 cloves of fresh Garlic
Grated vegetable cheese garnish (optional)

Directions

Wash, peel, and cube butternut squash. Peel and mince garlic with fresh sage leaves (or add dried sage). Boil both pastas as directed until al dente. Meanwhile, sauté squash until tender. Add garlic/sage; cook a few minutes more until soft, not browned. Stir in vegetable broth at half of the volume of squash; heat to a boil, reduce heat, and cook 5 minutes. Empty into a blender. Run until totally puréed. Combine cooked pastas with sauce in same pan to warm briefly before serving.

Suitable accompaniments representing Grand Tour racing venues could be asparagus (Spain), broccoli rabe (Italy), Brussel sprouts (Belgium), haricots verts (France), spinach (Netherlands), sweet peas (England), or Swiss chard (Switzerland). Pair with La Bicicletta, a cocktail of Pinot Grigio or Prosecco on ice with splashes of Campari or Grand Marnier and club soda with an orange wheel; or a rosé, sauvignon blanc, or white zinfandel wine. For a perfect desert, combine musette bag fruit rolls (fig/granola filling rolled in chopped nuts) and banana gelato with an espresso. Screams Grand Tour appurtenances.

Commemorations and holidays bring out the best and worst of behaviors. On Halloween, 2017, psycho jihadist Sayfullo Saipov drove his rented Home Depot truck down a Hudson River bike path near former World Trade Towers, injured eleven, killed eight, smashed into a school bus, and tried to escape while grunting, “Allahu akbar!” until gut shot by New York’s finest. In January of 2023 he was convicted of his cowardly and mistaken murder of innocents, mostly tourists from Argentina and Belgium, among 28 felonies, and could be sentenced to death, a sentence appropriate for anyone driving a truck on a bike path.

On last show before 2022’s Christmas break, Tonight Show’s Jimmy Fallon, having saved his best-to-last stocking stuffer, gave everyone in audience a Sondors Smart Step ReCycled e-bike. Jealous? 

Outspoken author and songwriter Jeff Tweedy of band Wilco argues, “Year-end lists are egotistic, simplistic, and too small to capture life’s bigness.“ Furthermore, “Rhyming rain and train is pretty much the end of your career.” How well does Labann already know? Exposed on a bike in the vast outdoors, where to go is truly a worry. 

Bicyclists pursue 4 kinds of routes: 1) Loops, all roads different, that add scenery to stave off boredom; 2) Out-In on identical roads for maximum efficiency, typical of commutes or shopping runs; 3) Helical or Intertwined, where some segments repeat in opposite directions, usually because alternatives aren’t available or safe; and 4) Tours from origin to destination, sometimes over course of days to months, often involving intermodal connections with motor vehicles, planes, ships, or trains. Sometimes only choices that appear safe are alleys, parking lots, or sidewalks. Choosing to propel by pedal means having to abide road planning neglect. 

Recently witnessed a road rage incident. On a 4-lane undivided road, 6 foot shoulder peters out to 6 inches just before a side street often used by bicyclists to least inconvenience motorists. Signaled a left turn, using arm outstretched. Motorists have forgotten what signaling means, never mind arm positions: Left (out), right (up), and stop (down), supposedly for everyone's safety. Driver of an overtaking GMC stake truck broke 3 laws in a row: 1) Didn’t stop to honor left turn signal, 2) sped up to pass within inches not leaving mandatory 3 feet, and 3) stopped suddenly blocking traffic. He then got out and thrice accused cyclist erroneously: 1) Idiot for cycling (Einstein rode a bike), 2) pussy for not driving (only fearless tackle traffic two wheeled), and 3) riding in middle of the road (was literally outside travel lane). He would have added felony assault to his misdemeanors but avoided him by completing intended cross, though can’t say whether he wasn’t run over returning to his own vehicle. You might recall reading here how drivers of Chevy and GMC SUVs and trucks account for bulk of observed bad road behaviors; this anecdote is no exception.

Brings up an interesting question. Can bicyclists ever be accused of causing an accident? If so, does insurance ever cover damages? Mere presence is no excuse. Why initiate incidents and risk injuries only bicyclists would suffer, not motorists?

About the only time bicyclists don’t get right-of-way priority is on prohibited highways. Otherwise, bikes belong, can ride on right side of travel lane without impeding traffic flow, if possible, must follow all applicable traffic code, which means crossing into left lane to turn, holding for oncoming vehicles to pass, so waiting in the middle of street. How can bicyclists not impede motorists when there’s no shoulder to retreat to? Lawyers use terms like “riding sidewalks”, “running red lights”, or “unexpectedly merging” to assess bicyclists liability, though motorists never expect them, they have to cross against lights or never get a chance, and usually there’s no alternative to unfriendly stretches. 

Vélo Humain

With filing deadline postponed by pandemic, Tax Day arrived along with Bike-to-Work Week. Observed by viewing an energy alternative documentary, Planet of the Humans (Jeff Gibbs, dir., 2020), which stares down environmental issues and suggests Earth’s salvation rests in realigning lifestyles. “The path to change comes from awareness... Infinite growth on a finite planet is suicide... We must take control of our environmental movement and our future from billionaires and their permanent war on planet earth.” Good luck with that! If COVID taught anything, it’s that people aren’t easily cajoled to act on their own behalf, never mind community’s or planet’s. Following a year of furlough or work from home, drivers’ abilities and attention atrophied, bicycling risks were exacerbated, earnings diminished, and wealth inequality expanded.

Those who profited from technology caused problems, yet they remain convinced there are technological solutions into which they’ve heavily invested. Trying to eliminate fossil fuels and look carbon guiltless, they’ve created industries with equivalent toxic or tragic aftermaths, for example, burning biomass, which clearcuts life-giving forests for fuel, or solar panels, which combine rare earth materials out of devastating strip mines and defy recycling once failed after only a few years of use, even before mine land has been reclaimed. Power companies install innovations to justify rate hikes that they force users to pay. You’d think burning or gasifying garbage might work, or fusion reactors with no radioactive waste, but where’s the profit in it? It’s a complex issue made intractable by greedy capitalists and needy do-nothings.

Funny that Gibbs never mentions bicycling; even student protestors shown had sense to ride to rallies. Average cost of car ownership has risen in 2021 to $9,282/year, thousands more in 1st year, then gradually decreasing to half by 10th as costs, except insurance and maintenance, decline. An average of 13,500 miles are driven annually. This estimates about 70 cents/mile, not taking into account related cancer/crash deaths, shared cleanup costs, what’s consumed to afford this luxury, wars waged, and world destruction. According to industry analysts and confirmed personally, bicycling cost only 4 cents/mile with practically no environmental or geopolitical detriment. Paved roads are not even necessary, if you own an MTB, though do improve pedaling efficiency. Too many Americans prefer death, debt, and Dukes of Hazzard, although once popular NASCAR attendance had already dwindled before personal distancing seemed prudent.

Woke tree-huggers gravitate to new electric and hybrid vehicles and lambaste gas guzzlers, gross polluters, and pub crawlers. An honest statement aligned with nature can be made by riding bicycles and thumbing nose at busses, cars and trains. Beyond just Bike Month and for months at a clip, performing bands including Shake Your Peace, The Ditty Bops, The Ginger Ninjas, and This Bike is a Pipe Bomb used to ride by bikes between gigs all over North America. Bodies congregating and cooperating can even form a human bicycle side show act.

“Focusing on an individual’s carbon footprint is a useful mechanism that diverts attention away from the worldwide impact of global warming. Anti-global-warming PR often means deflecting global warming by re-locating the issue onto side issues. It prefers to blame global warming on individuals rather than corporate behaviour... Such campaigns blame those who highlight the impact of global warming by focusing on the messenger... Forbes magazine once suggested that [climate activist who crossed North Atlantic on a sailboat in winter to speak before UN] Greta Thunberg’s lifestyle may be one reason for global warming.” Norman Simms & Thomas Klikauer, May 20, 2021

Convincing his NYC family, Colin Beavan vowed to be No Impact Man (Justin Schein, dir., 2008) for a year by personally not contributing carbon exhaust from flying or motoring, coffee imbibing, conditioned air, disposable diapers, elevator rides, excess consumption, imported or take out foods, new purchases, paper trash, plastic packaging, refrigeration, subway use, taxi hops, television watching, toilet paper, and water toxins from detergents. For anyone to follow, they’d have to live his at-home author vegetarian lifestyle. For actual zero impact, you must also avoid work that consumes electricity. fuel or materials; compost food and human wastes; only ingest medicines you grow on windowsills; plant trees to offset carbon you exhale; self propel to farms to shop (shipping each menu ingredient averages 1,500 miles); sit at home in the dark; and skip as many meals as possible. Would miss cooked food and hot water. If everyone did only one, world would indeed be better off. But it’s Al Gore hypocrisy all over, profit driven drivel that says, Do as I say, not as I do.” After his Thoreau inspired trial, sole thing that stuck with Beavan was bicycling, since it proved the most economical and effective urban choice.

For 1 minute and 11 seconds in magic realism film 2:22 (Paul Currie, dir., 2017), multimodal commuter Dylan Branson (Michiel Huisman) rides his bike from his business district apartment to Grand Central Station to board a subway to his job as a JFK air traffic controller. As a bicyclist dodging midtown traffic, patterns come naturally to him, a skill that makes him great at what he does. One day at 2:22 PM, he’s suddenly stunned by universe crushing down upon him, and nearly causes an airline crash, which results in his suspension. This gives him days to explore a bizarre relationship with Sarah (Teresa Palmer), a repeating pattern of things that go boom at 2:22 P.M., and series of events based on fates of residents 30 years ago superimposed upon their current lives.

When Katja Şekerci (Diane Kruger) leaves her Kurdish husband and son at his office, she cautions a woman who’s leaving a brand new bike out front in Hamburg’s Turkish quarter that she ought to lock it up. In the Fade, aka Aus dem Nichts (Out of Nowhere, Fatih Akin, dir., 2017, German with subtitles) tells Katja’s story in the aftermath of this Neo-Nazi bike bomb, loosely based on events of 2004 Cologne. When courts are unable to convict couple responsible despite her testimony, Katja hunts down these terrorists.

Blood Road (Nicholas Schrunk, dir., 2017) tracks endurance mountain biker Rebecca Rusch and native guide Huyen Nguyen who pedaled 1,200 miles of Ho Chi Minh Trail to reach crash site and resting place of Rebecca's dad, a U.S. Air Force F-4 pilot who was killed when shot down over Laos 5 decades earlier during Viet Nam War. This documentary was nominated for or won a slew of film festival awards, though critics groaned that her emotional closure mattered more than permanent damage Nixon’s carpet bombing did in locations she visited. To their credit, filmmakers teamed with Nobel Laureate NGO nonprofit Mines Advisory Group to help de-mine along border and save innocent lives. Sick conservative tactics during 1960's made a lifelong impression on Labann.

Return to Earth (Colin Jones, Darren McCullough, Darcy Wittenburg, dirs., 2019) presents a joint Shimano and Trek vision of big air over Moab single track and Oahu volcanic moguls featuring star MTB riders.

In Brit rom-com Finding Your Feet (Richard Loncraine, dir., 2018), Lady Sandra Abbott (Imelda Staunton, known as draconian Hogwarts headmistress Dolores Umbridge in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix) takes umbrage at husband’s secret sex affair. She decamps to sister Bif’s (Celia Imrie) housing project flat. Bif admonishes her, “It’s one thing being scared of dying, Sondra. It’s a whole different matter being scared of living.” She begins to drop her defenses and open herself to new experiences, like riding a London Boris Bike.

Ami-Ami, aka (Girl)Friend (Victor Saint Macary, dir., 2018) has Vincent (William Lebghil) move in with best friend Nefeli (Margot Bancilhon) and swear off romantic love. Then Vincent meets Julie, which he fears will complicate his open lifestyle with Nefeli riding Vélib' bikes daily around Paris along with ninety-thousand other residents and visitors.

While getting fresh air and sunshine in great outdoors at Rim of the World (Joseph McGinty Nichol, dir., 2019) camp, four awkward kids band together against an invasion of dinosaur space aliens. They’re getting around fine by BMX, but when they receive a key that could save world, they trade bikes for a GTO to traverse last 70 miles to JPL in Pasadena.

Entrepreneur stooge pair Manu (Grégoire Ludig) and Jean-Gab (David Marsais), previously mentioned as stars of La folle histoire de Max et Léon, team again to pull a heist in sun drenched South of France. After stealing a car, they discover a fly the size of a dog in its trunk. Instead of releasing it sensibly, they insanely decide to forego heist and train “Dominique” to rob banks, like a drone with Mandibles (Quentin Dupieux, dir., 2020), thereby hoping to become comparatively rich. Mayhem and mistaken identity find them shacking up with zany villainess Agnes (Adèle Exarchopoulos), where Manu races off on a unicorn lemon squeezer.

The Half of It (Alice Wu, dir., 2020) portrays enterprising teen cyclist Ellie Chu (Leah Lewis), who writes essays for other high school students. Lovestruck jock Paul Munsky (Daniel Diemer) approaches her to write a letter from him to lovely Aster Flores (Alexxis Lemire). Ellie doesn't expect to become his friend, or to fall for Aster. Sure, the girl geek rides a bike; maybe she knows more than all her peers.

PBS documentary Blood Sugar Rising (David Alvarado, dir., 2020) asks, “Why isn’t there a war on diabetes?” Nearly 450 million humans, including 35 million Americans (10%), diagnosed with either Type I (5% of total) and Type II diabetes (95%) face crippling strokes, extremity amputations, fatal seizures, heart attacks, and organ transplants at a collective cost of $350 billion per year. Alvarado covers blood monitoring, dietary changes, and expensive operations, but neglects root causes in sedentary lifestyles enabled by automotive convenience and other seated activities supplanting self propulsion. Ask yourself, “Why aren’t more people going everywhere by bike?”

Hallmark whodunit A Beautiful Place to Die: A Martha's Vineyard Mystery (Mark Jean, dir., 2020) depicts detective Jeff Jackson (Jesse Metcalfe), who was forced into early retirement after taking a bullet in his spine, returned to bike infested island life, that is, until a body washes up and his crime solving creed is challenged. MVPD neglects to compensate him after risking paralysis by battling suspects and solving case. 

Escapades on the "D" train

“We sit here stranded, though we're all doin' our best to deny it, and Louise holds a handful of rain, temptin' you to defy it... In the empty lot where the ladies play blindman's bluff with the key chain. And the all-night girls they whisper of escapades out on the "D" train... The ghost of ’lectricity howls in the bones of her face where these visions of Johanna have now taken my place. And Madonna, she still has not showed... We see this empty cage now corrode... while my conscience explodes. The harmonicas play the skeleton keys and the rain. And these Visions of Johanna are now all that remain.“ Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan, from album Blonde on Blonde, 1966 vs. "Bicycle (oil on canvas)", Bob Dylan, 2012

Orange Bullet D Sixth Avenue Express once served stricken World Trade Centers en route between Bronx and Brooklyn's Coney Island. Escapades make one think of overreachers and terrorists. Why did Oppenheimer call A-bomb research The Manhattan Project? Because most sites involved were secretly located there, splitting atoms with millions of residents none the wiser. In classic obsessive compulsion he quoted Hindu scripture, “Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.” Film of same name (Marshall Brickman, dir., 1989) has smart cyclist Paul Stephens (Christopher Collet) steal plutonium from industrial tycoon John Mathewson (John Lithgow) to expose his company as a covert danger to surrounding community, whereupon he makes his own thermonuclear weapon that inadvertently almost takes out much of The Big Apple. All concerned join as a team to defuse it, while innocents unknowingly dodge instant death. After Sartre, being stranded by existential threats, biological to technological, has become the new “normalcy”.

Earth Day (April 22nd) and Mother’s Day (May 9th) evoke Earth-goddess Gaia offerings, Fugian Granny Mazu pilgrimages, Greek Cybele cult sacrifices, Laetare Sunday when Roman Catholics celebrate Mother Church, mother goddess Rhea rites, ode to a barefoot and biased madonna, Roman Hilaria festival, Semite Asherah adherence, Sun Goddess Amaterasu rituals, Taino Atabey admiration, Taoist Doumu adoration, and worship of queens of heaven Anat, Astarte, Inanna, Hera, Isis, Juno, Mary and Nut. All are tied to blossoming springtime, natural rejuvenation, and respect for life. But you get the feeling that however humans, even Shinto mountain ascetics, venerate them, these goddesses and saints don’t necessarily reciprocate, in fact, would rather wipe species off planet after multiple manmade threats of atmospheric pollution, fossil fumes, industrial toxins, nuclear weapons, ocean garbage, and prophesies of a hard rain delivered by Bob’s nasal twang when poetry used to matter.

B&C is 180° opposed to any anti-intellect, cancel culture, dumb down descent into global ignorance. Labann daily observes, reads, views or writes. Recent research indicates that sitting too close to computer screens and watching too many media streams can cause seizures or worse. Yet scholarly books encourage more of same; at least B&C preaches a balance between pedaling and viewing. Holidays might even inspire a ride if weather doesn't decide otherwise.

Culture on Two Wheels: The Bicycle in Literature and Film, literary criticism compiled by Jeremy Withers and Daniel P. Shea (University of Nebraska Press, 2016, 376 pp.), includes Nanci J. Adler’s insightful essay The Existential Cyclist: Bicycles and Personal Responsibility in Simone de Beauvoir’s Blood of Others, among dozens directly related to bicycling culture. Elsewhere, Adler explains how bicycles evolved into antifascist armament:
“Existential, absurdist and postmodern philosophers and writers of the era... questioned pre-war cultural values and the meaning of existence. Bicycles continue to appear in novels as transformative vehicles, but they no longer play the straightforward role as vehicles of liberation from the constraints of cultural mores, gender restrictions or social hierarchies. Bicycles often continue to be symbols of freedom, happiness and love, but they lose their irrefutable power to transform characters in permanently positive ways... Flann O’Brien’s The Third Policeman, Simone de Beauvoir’s The Blood of Others, Luigi Bartolini’s Bicycle Thieves, Samuel Beckett’s Molloy and L. P. Hartley’s The Go-Between, reflect bicycles as beloved articles, useful vehicles, and potentially positive transformative machines, yet they are unable to overcome the disquieting times; bicyclists are no longer destined for eternal happiness... [for Beauvoir] the bicycle is used to differentiate the hardships of the French from the relative affluence of the Nazis... The bicycle machine, in previous decades a symbol of modernity and personal freedom, takes on a more solemn role as a machine of the French Resistance.” Nanci J. Adler, The Bicycle in Western Literature: Transformations on Two Wheels, 2012

“The bicycle was still there, brand new, with its pale-blue frame and its plated handlebars which sparkled against the dull stone of the wall. It was so lissome, so slender, that even when not in use it seemed to cut through the air. Hélène had never seen such an elegant bicycle. ‘’I’ll repaint it dark green, it’ll be even more beautiful,’ she thought.” Simone de Beauvoir, The Blood of Others, 1945, which explores themes of freedom and responsibility, as B&C continues to.

You know Nazis by what they do: Berate, boss, command, demand, denigrate, force, grab, hate, lie, and lots of people die or suffer. The opposite is whoever calmly encourages, leaves be, merely suggests, offers help, shares wealth, and tolerates differences. Everyone has opinions which guide personal code. Nazis will kill if you don’t meekly submit to their sick will. Nazis are divisive, greedy and stupid, because intelligent people know that they do better when everyone does well. Nazis scream continually, irrelevantly of current situation, and unintelligibly. People who tell you facts and truths never change their story and seldom repeat themselves. Let-live losers sort through details to suggest stuff worthy of your time above ground.

Father and Daughter (Michael Dudok de Wit, dir., 2000) poignantly captures a person’s grief over loss and longing to be reunited. After father abandons daughter during their bicycling outing, she spends entire life revisiting spot on a Dutch dike, where throughout each character rides on a bike. Deservedly won BAFTA award and Oscar for best animated short.

Police sergeant John McLoughlin (Nicolas Cage) races his Bronco past a Big Apple bicyclist running errands to site of World Trade Center (Oliver Stone, dir., 2006) disaster, where he'll wind up trapped under rubble with fellow officer Will Jimeno (Michael Peña) for trying to evacuate towers and save lives 20 years ago this September. Bottom line: This jihadist suicide salvo against an international commodity exchange was sheer ignorance that targeted democratic freedoms, more muslims and people of color from 87 different nations than America, and system of commerce that feeds world. It purported to use technology to strike against technology, but turned out a vicious attack upon humanity itself. And never forget, Bush and conservatives tried to exploit this holocaust by describing it as a "test of our will" to continue pursuing illegal wars for sake of greedy swells, while it's never been clear who was really responsible. With no help from GOP, decent citizens, firemen, and police answered the call to duty.

An Irish fisherman named Syracuse (Colin Farrell) trawls up a foreign woman (Alicja Bachleda-Curuś) in his net. Astonished she’s not drowned, he asks her name, Ondine (Neil Jordan, dir., 2009). Syracuse, whom townsfolk call Circus, is a divorced recovering alcoholic who has visiting privileges but not custody of his daughter Annie (Alison Barry), whose kidneys are failing. After dialysis in her wheelchair she stalks dad and stumbles onto fact he’s hiding this mysterious beauty. Annie imagines Ondine is a selkie, a mythical chimera seal turned human. Mean kids on bikes take her wheelchair and taunt her for being different, but she’s wise beyond her tender age, because love conquers all.

In post-apocalyptic Montana, bounty hunter Gage (Gina Carano) hunts criminals who refuse to give up fossil fuel vehicles, considered the worst of offenses, and infiltrates Jackson’s (Ryan Robbins) belcher crew for both offered reward and personal vengeance. Jackson captures pilgrims to mine silver, a crucial commodity for ubiquitous masks that filter otherwise unbreathable toxic smog on a Scorched Earth (Peter Howitt, dir., 2014). Bicyclists escort pilgrims, but also get scorched. Those who ride horses fare better; how ponies breath isn’t explained.

Television sitcom Mom (Season 2, Episode 22) Fun Girl Stuff and Eternal Salvation (James Widdoes, dir., 2014) has mom Bonnie Plunkett (Allison Janney) by bicycle chasing daughter Christy (Anna Faris) from flop to flop after she moves out to avoid their toxic interaction that threatens both their relapses into substance abuse.

Fathers and Daughters (Gabriele Muccino, dir., 2015) has novelist Jake Davis (Russel Crowe) tell his daughter Katie (Kylie Rogers as child, Amanda Seyfried as adult), “Daddy sold a book today... That means you can have any toy on the planet.” She replies, “I want a bike! Pink with a basket and bells and streamers dangling from the handlebars...” So he buys her one and teaches her to ride in the park. Later they ride together on her birthday. Rest of film documents Katie’s traumas over tear jerker childhood: car crash, custody battle, fatal seizure, parents’ untimely deaths, separation anxiety, shadow of fame, and trust issues.

Microbe & Gasoline (Michel Gondry, dir., 2015) are nicknames bullies call school chums Daniel the artist (Ange Dargent) and Théo the grease monkey (Theophile Baquet), respectively. Theo rides around school on a bicycle tricked out with a sound system of his own design. Daniel’s caring but depressive mom Marie-Thérèse (Audrey Tautou, Amelie, The Da Vinci Code) and Theo’s dying and needy mom (Janna Bittnerova) give their adolescents cause to try crossing France in an inventive vehicle that can, with the flip of a lever, appear as a tiny house. Being underage, they can neither get driver licenses or register a motor vehicle, so stop when police happen by and transform to stationary. Theo regrets his mother’s death during his jaunt and returns to attend funeral.

Midsomer Murders, Breaking the Chain (Season 18, Episode 3, 2016), has DCI Barnaby (Neil Dudgeon) investigating homicide of pro cyclist Greg Eddon (Jack Staddon), who just won local leg and was leading tour. Plot thickens when it's disclosed that 5 years earlier Judith Oliver was accidentally run over by a motor vehicle while leading tourists along a side road supposedly blocked off for bike racing. Then rival Aiden McCordell is struck on the head with a chain whip, and his lungs were pumped with a high-pressure air compressor, rupturing them. Police finally act to save dad McCordell thereby ending the killing spree.

The Philadelphia Bicycle Vignette Story (Bryan Oliver Green, dir., 2017) is a socially scathing surreal series of short skits on title city around 2009. Marcus Borton plays the cyclist. Charlie Day and Rob “Mac” McElhenney of sitcom It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Season 13, Episode 5) keep up their unfunny putdowns of pedaling on a pair of stolen BMXs. Again, bullies are kids on bikes.

Adam Sandler is back to biking in latest film Hubie Halloween (Steven Brill, dir., 2020), where his character, town idiot Hubie DuBois, tries to save citizens of Salem from real skullduggery hidden behind holiday festivities.

SciFi thriller Songbird (Adam Mason, dir., 2021) set in near future speculates billions will die from highly contagious airborne variant COVID-23. Protagonist is a bicycle messenger, who is immune, so able to roam freely except through check points. Haven’t seen, but suspect poor ratings and weak returns are more due to people’s frustration with pandemic and suspicion over situational exploitation and theater attendance. Sure, it’s no Twelve Monkeys, in which Terry Gilliam totally predicted this predicament 25 years ago, but willing to give it 90 minutes after seeing hundreds of low budget turkeys that may have been worse.

Starz original series Men in Kilts: A Roadtrip with Sam and Graham (Episode 106, 2021) have title pair touring native Scotland by air, land and sea, partly by bicycles, to which one grumbles, “I cannot believe that this was your idea of a good time.” 

Ides Marchpane?

(Kim) Chung Ha, Bicycle [Korean], Querencia, Genie Music, 2021 

Messages might not be timely, and time plays tricks on memory. Labann scratches his head on why Richard Ballantine (1940-2013), American scion of Bantam Books publishing family, author of Richard’s Bicycle Book (aka “the bike-shed bible” from a half century ago, 1972) followed by 7 other cycling-centric titles (millions sold), and founder of Bicycle Magazine, has been forgotten. From early recognition of 1970’s bike boom, exposés of automotive greed, practical advice on buying and owning not just bikes but in general human powered vehicles, and protests against Vietnam War, wouldn’t be surprised his works were actively suppressed. Could explain why he mostly resided in London, where he kick started mountain biking by importing England’s first 20 units of Ritchey Montares. Ironically, when you google his name, you find dead twenty-year-old Marine PFC Richard Ballantine on Vietnam Veterans Wall of Faces, but not so much about this eccentric but influential cycling advocate, who gradually grew to understand how bicyclists are reluctant warriors against a vicious paradigm fueled by blood and petroleum.

For the first Earth Day, April 22, 1970, ecology aware San Jose State College students bought a brand new Ford Maverick, disrespected it in a mock parade, then buried it on campus. After Ralph Nader, people began to see cars as counterproductive to human survival. Still under attack 5 decades later, environment received a chance for justice after post-election policy reversals. Had to expect that fighting for planet’s sake would be controversial. They say the first casualty of war is truth, though soldiers whose lives are on the line don’t buy it.

While Biden promises a new round of bicycling infrastructure projects, he also intends to create a million new stateside automaker jobs. Reliance on obsolete, unsustainable mono-industry makes little sense in long run, whereas grants and rewards for positive innovations and practical inventions do. Yet elite pols heavily invested in EPVs, solar and wind rile neocon wonks. Cars and computers are no longer such necessities; climate, energy, food, housing, potable water, and vaccines remain biggest challenges to survival, especially if your policies do nothing to mitigate motor vehicles, which remain world’s biggest threat to all when you take wars for oil and wastes collectively into account.

Texas shut down in February with widespread suffering after decades of oil production caused climate change that affected jet stream and drew a polar vortex to freeze them, while regulators neglected to foresee and plan a suitable contingency. Texas is the only US state that privatized its electric grid, shuffling contract to insiders, all of whom have been fired or chosen to resign. So typical: Suck millions in obligatory taxes, then stick payers with consequences, so you can abscond to relax in tropical luxury. Global warming poses yet another threat, howling, punishing winds; never before saw so many rogue gales that menace bicyclists more than most. Regular people are forced to hunker down and read by candlelight, or computer screens, if lucky enough to still have service. In aftermath of catastrophe and contagion, some bake sourdough bread, sculpt marchpane whimsies for guests who weren’t invited, or solve crossword puzzles while sensing a García’s Márquez’s moment of love, plague, solitude, and yearning.

Busy online in advance of Earth Day 2021, collected 5 dozen previously unlisted bicycling songs from all over the globe, posted below (in order by year of release), many thanks to Alex Chang, who has been continually updating a Youtube channel that has reached 200+ videos from widespread sources and years, including Finland and Russia. Also updated definitive spreadsheet linked on Wikipedia, which, while impossible to ever be comprehensive, does contain more vetted non-covers than any other list on planet, about 2,150.

Cal Stewart, Uncle Josh on a bicycle [spoken word], single, Berliner, 1899

Cal Stewart, Uncle Josh Weathersby on a bicycle [spoken word], single, Victor, 1901
Comedy from over a century ago viciously attacked cycling for its impracticality. For decades dozens of different but similar versions were recorded. Joke’s on Josh, because bicycling got better and safer, and four times as many go by bike as by car.

Orquesta Tropical, Mi Amor En Bicicleta [one-step dance instrumental,”My Love on a bicycle”], single, Victor, 1924

Earl Rouse & Brothers, Pedal Your Blues Away [c&w, 1936], John’s Old Time Radio Show, East River Records, 2015
Apparently R Crumb with Cheap Suit Serenader’s weren’t song’s originators, as this recent rerelease points out.

Six Hits and a Miss with Gordon Jenkins Orchestra, Two on a Bike, single, b-side of Bye Bye Blackbird, Capitol Records, 1943
Composed by Gene de Paul with lyrics by Don Raye, was included in soundtrack of Hi’Ya Chum (Harold Young, dir., 1943).

Silvana Pampanini, Ma dove vai bellezza in bicicletta [Italian], Beauties on a Bicycle [soundtrack], EDIC, 1951
From 70 years ago, this farce about chorus girls on a mixed modal road trip stars Pampanini, who sings title song, “But where are you going, beauty, by bicycle? Do not be in a hurry, stay a little on my heart. Leave the bike, give me your kisses...”

Freddie Sandy, The Bicycle Song, single, [unknown label and date]
Cover of Max Miller’s Let’s Have a Ride on Your Bicycle (1953) rife with sexual harassment and innuendo, probably comes from early 1960’s. “I said, my dear, if there’s nobody near, I’d like a ride on your bike... After the ride I began to perspire. It wasn’t the ride; I’d been pumping her tyre.”

Brita & Eikka, Polkupyörä [Finnish, juvenile, “Bicycle”], Brita ja Eikka laulavat lapsille, Scandia, 1960
Sung to Freddy Quinn tune Oh, My Darling Clementine, “We borrowed a bicycle... I pedal, you control, as a dance journey goes, to Grandma when we cycle the skyscraper is not visible... After a bike ride to grandma, I put the bike behind the barn next to the wall to sleep...”

The Rolling Stones, Something Happened to Me Yesterday, Between the Buttons, Decca, 1967
At end of trippy album closing tune, Mick Jagger says, ”So if you're out tonight, don't forget, if you're on your bike, wear white. Evening, all.” Album was one of their top sellers.

Jean Saint-Paul, Vas-Y Eddy [Belgian, “C’mon Eddy (Merckx)”], single 7", Phillips Records, 1967
Notable for being the first recorded song about Merckx, it’s partisan praise for nation’s biggest bicycling champion and most famous citizen.

Singing Guitars, aka Поющие гитары, Песенка велосипедистов [Russian rock, “Cyclist’s Song”], single/video, Мелодия [“Melody” label], 1969
“It was difficult for a man ten thousand years ago. He walked to the pharmacy, to work, to the zoo. He didn't know the bike, blindly believed in miracles. Because I have not tasted all the virtues of the wheel... Sit down and just press the pedal. And now in this world everyone is romping somewhere. Adults and children are riding to work, to the zoo. They go to the bathhouse and the pharmacy. They’re going to my mother-in-law for lunch.”

Wachauer Buam, Ja mir san mit'm Radl da [Austrian beer hall polka], “Yeah, we are here by bike”], single, Philips, 1971
“... two cavaliers, they’re going to the country party. You expect a Porsche, chrome-painted and super fine. But suddenly the boys hear it screaming from afar: ‘Yes, I'm there with my bike; yes, I'm there with my bike!’”

Peter Hinnen, Mir sind mit em Velo [Swiss-German, “I’m on my bike”], single, self 1973

Christoph Busse, Fahrradsong, Sesam, Öffne Dich! (Mit Liedern Aus Der Sesamstraße)[‘Open Sesame! (With Songs from Sesame Street)”], Fontana, 1976
Ripoff of Neil Young’s tune After the Gold Rush (1970) with own lyrics, supposedly aimed at juvenile listeners.

Marcos Valle, Bicicleta [Brazilian funk], single, Som Livre, 1984

Sahnie (Hans Runge), Fahrrad fahr’n [German], Erste Sahne, EMI, 1989 “I have an old bike, just like I need it. It's beautiful and environmentally friendly too! I'm riding a bike, my old rattling bike. I'll get new rims made of light metal and chrome.” An aside, Runge is also a bespoke state-of-the-arts super-fast car brand, whereas Rudge was a British bikemaker, like Humber, swallowed by Raleigh.

Jason Wang, Bike, Wang Shixian Sings Old Chinese Songs 4, Sinuo Beite/Sony, 1990

Rick Reed & The Ethereal Bastards, Dr. Hoffman's Million Year Bike Ride [eam], single/video, self, 1990 

Bottlecap, The Bicycle Song, single, Tummy Button Cassingles, 1994

cLOUDDEAD, Bike 2, cLOUDDEAD, Mush/Bigda, 2001

cLOUDDEAD, Physics of a Bicycle, The Peel Session, self, 2001

cLOUDDEAD, Physics of a Unicycle, Ten, self, 2003
Used to think these four, including Bike 1 previously listed, were all the same under a different name. Once posted to Youtube, got to actually hear, and they are not, though that hardly matters given unintelligible content.

Eason Chan, 單車 [Chinese, “Bicycle’], Shall We Dance? Shall We Talk?, Emperor Entertainment Group/EEG Music, 2001

Juice Leskinen, Einarin polkupyörä [Finnish, “Einar’s Bicycle”], Juice Leskinen & Coitus Int, Love Records, 2003 rerelease bonus track
Lyrics describe finding a rusty bike under a barn, and riding it to a bar for beer and fallen angels.

Egotrippi, Polkupyörälaulu [Finnish, “Bicycle Song”], Matkustaja [“Passenger”], Zen Garden, 2003
“On your bike from the top of the hill, if you pedal really hard and don’t use the brakes, you can get into town in half an hour... Temptations in every direction. The wheels spin at a steady pace. I guess the bills go unpaid. How can it be possible... that all his money can be wasted... down to the last penny together in a record store. You can waste all your money down to the last penny with a good conscience.”

Bergelheim, Ich fahr Fahrrad [German indie, “I Ride a Bicycle”], Neuer Deutscher Pop - Aufnahmezustand 5 [compilation], XYX Music, 2006
“Only ride a bicycle and do what makes you happy.”

Holy Crow, The Bicycle Song, single/video, self, 2008

The Wonder Years, An Elegy For Baby Blue [indie punk], Won't Be Pathetic Forever EP, Hopeless Records, 2008
Anguish about bike being stolen: “It's like the world stopped revolving in the absence of you...Nothing about you but your wheel's been anything but true. Come on, man. You've been a good friend. I had that dream where we found you again... We didn't stand a chance. It broke my heart to watch them ride you down Mifflin. Sometimes, at night, I swear I hear you screaming, ‘No! No! Don't let me go...’ Dylan was right because it's all over now, Baby Blue... We're never (never) getting caught again. So, if you see them, tell them, 'Man, I just want my bike back.'"

Rock & Rollinger, Fahrrad [German, explicit], Rollst Du noch oder Rockst Du schon? ["Are you still rolling or are you already rocking?"], SM Noise Rec., 2009

Egotronic, Fahrradlied [German punk, “Bike Song”], Was Soll’s, self, 2010

Honey Trappists, Bicycle Ride Through the Nation’s Capitol (Lokin Out), Rough Jazz: Volume One, self, 2010

Vocokesh, Dr. Hofmann's Bicycle Ride [instrumental psychedelia], Dr. Hofmann's Bicycle Ride, Phonosphera Records, 2010

The Aquabats, Poppin' A Wheelie!, Hi-Five Soup!, Fearless, 2011
“I love love love love love love poppin' a wheelie! On my bike! When you see me outside with my wind-swept hair riding by with my wheel in the air, You’ll never see me happier... That’s when I pull those handlebars and get 'em in the air... And I'm the king of the world as I'm balancing.”

Dynamo Team, feat. Lulu, Roll the Dynamo [Slovak disco in English], Slavia, Lark Records, 2011
“After all day at school I am down. I need to get out, so I leave the town. I take my bike and roll the dynamo. I worked all day, now I should stop. It’s time to relax, at least I hope.”

Nico Touches the Walls, バイシクル [Japanese, “Bicycle”], Humania, Ki/oon Records/Sony, 2011

Ryan Hardy, Bicycle, Heavy Mandolin, self, 2011

Charity Kahn & the JAMband, Bike [juvenile], Family Values, self, 2012

Choi Jung In & Kang Gary aka 정인&개리, (자전거 [Korean, “Bicycle’], single, Sony-ATV, 2014
“We bike in the breeze. I keep smiling... Don’t stop, keep riding toward the sunset.”

Craig Richey, Girl on a Bicycle [instrumental], Girl on a Bicycle [soundtrack], Lakeshore Records, 2014

Charlie Burg, feat. Daniel James, Phillip's Bicycle, One, Violet, self, 2015
“On my bicycle I go too fast. The little shops that I ride past, he people's faces, they make me laugh. I approach the curve and stop to see a hill of true adversity. I think to myself, can anybody see me? I can't believe I'm better than I ever was... I am taken to a forest path where I trample autumn leaves and grass... my shoes are worn, my helmet's loose. I packed a sandwich and some juice. The wind and I have made a little truce”.

Bike, Enigma Do Dente Falso [Brazilian psychedelia, “False Teeth Puzzle”], 1943, 30th Cent. Rec., 2015
No discernible bike lyrics on this trippy album devoted to Dr. Albert Hoffman’s invention of LSD.

Schlappn, Altes Fahrrad [German, “Old Bike”], Back from Klappse, self, 2015

Dota Kehr, Rennrad, Keine Gefahr ["No Danger"], Believe Music, 2016

Vavan aka Владимир Селиванов (Vladimir Selivanov), Велосипед aka Velosiped [Russian, “Bicycle’], Zhenshchiny. Svoboda, Sony Music Entertainment (SME), 2016
“We'll leave here on a bicycle. We'll go wherever we want from here. Palm trees, the sea and the people.We will be welcomed and they'll notice that we're awesome.”

Celo & Abdi, Shimano XTR [German, explicit gangsta hip-hop], Diaspora, Azziackz, 2017
“G's on the street packaging tool, digital scales, cash, and my bike, get on the pedals, Bianchi Methanol [brand model]. Down the mountain, pack and seal, roll on carbon. Keep your balance with your phone to your ear. My driving style, sometimes fast, sometimes nice and slow.”

Chris Komus, Bicycle Rides with Dr Hoffman [eam], Sickly Fingers, Shanti Planti, 2017

Jason Bartsch, Son of Anarchy, 4478 Bochum, recordjet, 2017
I'll get my bike out of the garage, steering wheel up, nice retro look. My bikes are from Schwalbe. I'm a gangster in my hood... Whenever I cruise I am super ecological. I don't need an exhaust. I have legs and I am fashionable in time... I'm doing the tour through the village of Jan-Ullrich-Style... Cars stink. I'm more of the bicycle type.”

Stereophonics, fea. Kelly Jones, Boy On A Bike, Scream Above the Sounds, Parlophone Records Limited, 2017 “What am I running from? I used to be so fearless... I’d fly around the world. Suppose I’ve seen a lot of things, and maybe they left their mark. I know when you can't see what you're afraid of It's like being afraid of the dark... I used to feel so free when I was that boy on a bike riding down that silent snowy street in the valley that made me feel alive... But what's around the corner for me now? I gotta ride the whole street and take a turn.”

Auro, Schöne Mänsch Ufem Velo [German], single, self, 2018
Beautiful cyclists protesting too much war over last decade endure rubber pellets and water canons.

Rie Takahashi, Jitensha [Japanese], Hoshino Kizuna, Pony Canyon, 2018
“Go to see the sea by bicycle, aiming at the sun in the dawn sky. Chatting on undecorated days continues. Ride a bicycle and aim at the sun.”

Chevy & Park Bird, If I Could Ride a Bike, If I Could Ride a Bike, Sneaker Kids, 2019
“If I could ride a bike, I’d zoom around the world with you sitting there behind me. I’ll take you to places past several faces just livin' life so carefree... Oh, when you call me I'm drifting on clouds, like I'm dreaming. But in the morning, I’ll wake up and see that you're stuck here with me.”

D.A.B. feat. Spikey Spike, Op De Fiets [Dutch hip-hop], Het Begin Van Iets Groters [“The Beginning Of Something Bigger”], Walboomers Music, 2019

Jitterin’ Jinn, Jitensha [j-pop, “Bicycle”], single/video, Nippon-Columbia, 2019

Dominic Miller, Bicycle [jazz instrumental], Absinthe, ECM Records GmBH/Deutsche Grammaphon, 2019

Richard Eaton, The Bicycle Song [jazz instrumental], Songs of the Parkade, 1048381 Records DK, 2019

Team Dresch, Take on Me, Captain My Captain, self, 2019
“Wish I was riding bikes with you; I've sat down in the middle of this mess I've made of letters and clothes. Wish i was anywhere with you.”

Underwood, Vélocipède [eam], Vélocipède EP, Tanzgemeinschaft, 2019

Kinjal Dave, Cycle [Gujarati/Mumbai], Cycle, Zee Music, 2020

Myung-Jun Kim, Bicycle, Night walking alone, Five Senses Entertainment, 2020

Nick Goodman, I Want to Be Your Bicycle Seat, Heaven Sent Or..., self, 2020
“Honey, this Christmas I don’t want to fill with food... this year your love is all I need and to be the seat on your ten speed... I promise to be discrete.”

Tykes Unslain?

Reading synopses and skipping through film after film have uncovered fewer instances of bicycling culture than one might figure given ubiquity of bikes. You’d think but would be wrong that they’d appear more in Chinese or Indian movies. Costume dramas set earlier than two centuries ago shouldn’t show any. Action heroes increasingly rely on advanced technologies and jet propulsion. Pricey transportation choices don’t sell themselves, only occur as a result of conditioned delusions. Directors will never guarantee expressive quality since criteria are steeped in subjectivity. Face it, most scripts feature juvenile ideas, nightmarish fears, product placements, or silly plots. Filmmakers compile scenes about anything, just roll dice in hopes investment pays off. Big budget don’t necessarily produce blockbusters. Jewels are rare by definition. Movie time resembles what bicyclists mentally do while they ply every byway: Pay attention to approaching pavement, plan next ride segment, use quiet between meditating, noticing scenery, and reflecting on whatever one encounters directly or vicariously in any given moment.

Wide eyed Suzy Bannion (Jessica Harper) dances through cult horror classic Suspiria (Dario Argento, dir., 1977). If only that girl’s bike parked out front wasn’t removed, she could ride into town to escape witch coven that poses as a ballet school. As Professor Milius (Rudolf Schündler) explains, “[Witches] are malefic, negative and destructive... They can change the course of events, and people’s lives, but only to do harm... Their goal is to accumulate great personal wealth, but that can only be achieved by injury to others. They can cause suffering, sickness, and even the death of those who, for whatever reason, have offended them.“ Sounds like what poses as government these days. Greedy and needy, you waste treasures at your own jeopardy. Oddly, in recent remake Suzy walks past a group of liberating bicycles with no thought to ride away and save herself. Jump on and just go, girl!

Television series Pacific Blue (1996 - 2000) was yet another law and order drama. It covered daily dealings of Santa Monica’s elite bicycle squad. Season 1, Episode 3 stunt riders tackled nazi aggressors, nudist protestors, and wall desecrators. Likely it was canceled because it there’s only so much mileage you can get from a bikini clad bimbo and Muscle Beach bravado, although popular competing show Baywatch flexed and jiggled for 12 seasons. Monkees drummer Micky Dolenz who played city’s mayor was the only well known cast member.

A gang of tykes on bikes get embroiled in A Christmas Tale (Paco Plaza, dir., 2005), more like a low budget Spanish Goonies adventure. Hanging at and zooming around an amusement park that’s closed and for sale, they find a woman in a Santa suit, who fell down a well. For foolish reasons they decide to feed her but refuse to help her escape, later suspect she stole $2 million pesetas (less than $14,000 before Euros took over) according to news broadcasts. Once out, she tries to kill them all, only they pull Home Alone tactics, which result in her being decisively impaled but still a deadly threat.

Delusional author Mike O'Connell, when informed by his doctor he'll die of a grave, vague disease before end of next day, immediately implements The Living Wake (Sol Tryon, dir., 2007), so he can enjoy every minute of living, including grief of those bereaved. Considering himself on par with literary great Samuel Johnson, he has his own Boswell in manservant Jesse Eisenberg, who records every moment. Means limited by lack of cash, they embark on a full day itinerary with Eisenberg pedaling O'Connell throughout on a cycle rickshaw.

Protektor (Marek Najbrt, dir., 2009) set in 1942 Prague has Marek Daniel as a respected reporter who collaborates with Nazi invaders in order to defend Jewish movie star wife Jana Plodkova. Antisemitic enemies get the movie his wife bikes and stars in banned. Secretly he’s with antifascist resistance; when he attempts to assassinate Reich’s Deputy Protektor, photo evidence of a bicycle emerges to implicate him. Though couple go to lengths to hide it, bike proves to be their undoing.

Hesher (Spencer Susser, dir., 2011) opens with school kid TJ (Devin Brochu) on a BMX with a duct-taped seat chasing a tow truck and t-boning a car. Accident prone, his arm is already in a cast. Nicole (Academy Best Actress Natalie Portman) protects TJ when bully Dustin, who thinks TJ tagged his sports car, chases, doors, and smacks TJ down. Foul mouthed, mentally unstable, metal head squatter Hesher (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), who really vandalized car to punish TJ, witnesses further bullying, won’t interfere on boy’s behalf, but would later incinerate Dustin’s car and let TJ take blame. Police are unable to make charges against the boy stick without evidence. Hesher brings Nicole and TJ to a vacant home for sale, goes on a destructive rampage, hurls patio furniture and rides another bike into pool, then sets diving board on fire. Adults repeatedly disappoint this traumatized kid, who has lost in rapid succession his mother, grandmother, and innocence.

Daydream Nation (Mike Goldbach, dir., 2011) describes hopes youth have during systemic decline. Some just find cheap ways to dull ire and get high. Residents of a small town worry over smog from a continual industrial fire, so wear masks whenever they ride bikes, and a serial murderer killing cheerleaders, so pair up whenever outside. Wiseacre teen Kat Dennings (Two Broke Girls) safely bikes solo, but occasionally drives a Volvo, whereupon she collides with killer, so does town a favor pro bono.

She sums up society’s turmoil, “People will tell you that nothing matters, the whole world is about to end soon, but... Things don’t need to last forever to be perfect.” This pandemic too will pass, later if not sooner. And, as the late Gill Scott Heron warned, “The revolution will not be televised... reruns... will be live,” gestures supplanted by active changes.

World class geneticist William Blakely (Conal Byrne) takes home his research and sets into motion The Reconstruction of William Zero (Dan Bush, dir., 2014). He’s haunted by a fatal accident when motoring home and mowing down his own 6 year old son just after he taught him to ride a bike and told him to pedal on street outside. He consequently separates from bereaved wife Amy Seimetz, then, in order to disappear and escape grief, creates a clone of himself into whom he dumps all his memories. William Two hatches an evil plot to further clone himself and kill anyone who opposes plans, including nosy neighbor Scott Poythress, shown. William Three, aware he won’t live long, kills William Two, reconciles with unsuspecting wife, then transfers renewed relationship to William Zero. Although complete and complex fiction where nobody really died, every day motorists slay tykes, tyros and vets. By now, practically everyone has been inured against feeling complicit.

The Strongest Man (Kenny Riches, dir., 2015), Cuban immigrant Beef (Robert Lorie) and his Korean buddy Conan (Paul Chamberlain, l to r) are construction laborers in Miami. Beef doesn’t drive, loves his gold plated BMX bicycle upon which he can do impressive tricks, but it gets stolen. Conan feels responsible so helps him look for it downtown, which turns dicey after dark. Meanwhile, an existential Beauty and the Beef affair evolves with neighbor’s niece. Plagued with insecurities, Beef wisely testifies, “Sometimes I get anxious... Then I worry about feeling sick. I start worrying about germs, and doorknobs and hands... and humans, and filth, and public restrooms... about getting old... and going to die soon. There’s nothing you can do. Then you die,” prophetically given current events. Labann figures that biking 10 miles a day, or covering full or half century rides weekly, and still being able to lift bike onto its storage hooks provides evidence of one’s vitality and validates clean living and superficial scars through decade seven.

To the Moon (Emma Thatcher, dir., 2015) sent eighteen bicycling activists from San Francisco, CA to Amherst, MA through 15 northerly states, and took its title from an H.D. Thoreau quote about fresh-faced optimism. CoCycle hoped to raise awareness for United Nations’ 2011 International Year of the Cooperative, a socially just, sustainable business model. Such cross continental treks have held appeal for restless youth ever since Kerouac’s On The Road, and nation’s highways that facilitate roadie riding with sag support. Nice not having to pitch own tent and ride with panniers. Nicer sponging snacks off coops they visited along the way. All could hardly believe completing fourscore successive metric centuries to finish in less than 3 months.

2020: Fallen Earth (Joshua Land, dir., 2019) predicts a post Peak Oil shortage that decimates humanity. Ten years later, teenage lead Mitch Holson, who bikes across opening titles, hikes across a barren landscape in search of his estranged uncle’s farm to escape brutality of scavenger mentality. As a species, mankind doesn’t need a zombie uprising to witness apocalypse; desperation to preserve comforts and distribution inefficiency through loss of easy fossil fuels would drive anyone to savagery. Motorists are already impatient savages squabbling over lane space and right-of-way rules in place.

Biogenic Sovereign

Funny how nature bounces back no matter what vicious scars humans leave. Ever consider fuel cell, rechargeable battery, or rotary hub power sources for your bike headlights on Winter commutes? Fear Fall hurricanes caused by climate change? You won't personally make any impact. Late comedian George Carlin reminded the pretentious, "The planet isn’t going anywhere. We are!" Yet why preserve corruption of production where billionaires hoard and hordes abide? Blind leaders and ignorant followers invite mutual destruction. Mankind can't continue imposing its will upon the Earth, too expensive and wearisome, so nature rebounds in crazy ways.

Carlin was tired of, "Self-righteous environmentalists... bourgeois liberals, who think the only thing wrong... is that there aren’t enough bicycle paths," which typically resurrect foresaken rail beds. Railroads, then highways, cut off animal migrations and cyclist routes. Eventually, animals get around such impediments, and instincts genetically stored over millennia take over. Remember pedaling along one at dusk, then, flicking on headlight, saw hundreds of glittering eyes. Upon approach critters slunk away indifferently. Indicates amount of animal displacement due to human ingenuity is disarmingly marginal. Nearly ran over a slow skunk the size of an ottoman. Wrote of seeing deer crossing suburban interstates. A few years later that became urban, along with bears and cougars near rivers and similar pockets of unused property. Moose to mouse, animals retake whatever territory people don't directly despoil daily.

Fauna rely on flora as superior reclaimers. Often pass a feral side road covered in vines that have almost enveloped billboard size signs. Business is still there, but you have to access through a back entrance; suppose they gave up trying to keep curbside gate clear of vegetation. Imagine gardeners working weekly with machetes and stumpers. Bamboo, bittersweet, kudzu and wisteria destroy buildings, pavement, and stands of trees as they spread, while noxious weeds crowd out and steal nutrition from food crops. Forebears uprooted every tree they could when wood was the choice of fuel; society today seems determined to suck dry every gas and oil field. Biomass renews; a generation later trees again outnumber vertebrates by an extremely imbalanced ratio. Takes millions of years to compress organic matter into crude, however.

Majority that vows allegiance to oil will soon be betrayed by dwindling supplies, rationing, and total economic collapse. Humans will still have hands and legs to do and go. Conveyances, power tools, and vehicles merely sped them along. A bicyclist can be fueled on a bowl of rice or burger made of game or veggies. Few appreciate that microorganisms ultimately generate all energy and sustaining chemistry. Planet is a garden mankind was born to tend. Plastic literally means flexible. Any viable future demands many alternatives, all of which recycle wastes and none of which unduly strains supplies. Natural models rule everything alive. Nature conclusively and repeatedly demonstrates that diversity is key. Those who think differently should to be tolerated for diversity's sake, something closed minded conservatives can't seem to accept but might live to regret.